Résumé Adventure #18: I Wanna be Willy Loman When I Grow Up!

For Résumé Adventure #18, I am taking a look southward towards that beacon of gleaming boredom and detached single family homes, San Diego! I am not having much luck up here in Long Beach finding any work, but maybe San Diego can scootch over a nudge and make room for Moonbow. This morning, a Craigslist job post beckons to me, calling out for me to leave my desk behind for the Willy Loman door-to-door sales path to enlightenment. You can read the excerpted job post and my cover letter below. You can bask in the glory of my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Door-to-door sales are the stuff of nightmares (photo by h3h via Flickr.)

The Job Post

"Are you Tired of Working at a Desk? (san diego)
Date: 2012-06-08, 8:49AM PDT
Location: san diego

Have you spent 8 hours a day or more sitting at a desk staring out the window wishing you were outside enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather?!
Many of our current employees say that this was them. What we are looking for is 5 energetic highly motivated individuals to help our marketing department.
This is the healthiest industry in the economy today. What we specialize in is energy efficient home improvements.
There are many companies in San Diego doing what we do.
However there isn't one out there that has 25 years in business or that generates anywhere near the 23 million in new sales volumes each year as we do.

If you are a people person, if you have a professional appearance and most importantly if your ready to make over 1500$ a week with no experience required than this is the job for you.
We offer paid training in a fun and exciting work environment.
Please don't spend you time behind a desk unhappy anymore making little money compared to the effort you put in.
We have the vehicle to change your life and promote a new career for yourself.
For immediate consideration please email your resume"

My Cover Letter

Dear Silicon City Recruiter,

I read your job post on Craigslist and I am interested in joining your sales team. Once I join, we can call ourselves the Sales Force Five and get coordinating but not matching uniforms with sleek utility belts. I am totally going to take San Diego by sales-storm. Sales Force Five will br organized ourselves like Charlie's Angels and we'll do cool ninja spy stuff with office supplies too. Maybe we'll make nun-chucks out of pencils and rubber bands. And we'll have secret code words too. I know we'll be a really good secret terminology team because I can already understand your code language. For example, I can tell that the beautiful sun-drenched job that you are describing in your post is actually a Willy Loman style door-to-door sales job in an over-saturated market. Ah-ah! You see! I TOTALLY get you and we haven't even met yet!!! Also, I totally dig the way you like practically beg people to apply for you job. Don't worry. It shows that you are a man or woman of the people and that you are not afraid to bow down to the awesomeness of my presence. 

In your job post you say that you are looking for people that are sick of being stuck at their desk jobs. Well, I don't actually have a desk job, but I do have a desk and I do sit at it all day long while I troll the Internet looking for cute pictures of cats dressed up in business suits. I guess it would be better to get out there in the world and make some money. Plus with all of that time out in the blaring hot Southern California sun, I should be able to overcome my vitamin D deficiency. That would be AWESOME! Honestly, if I did have a desk job, I would be super triple unicorn happy about just being employed and I would fight fang and claw to keep my comfy, cushy desk job. Who in their right mind would leave their ergonomically designed swiveling office seat to go stumbling around in the hot sun on foot all day doing door-to-door sales? I dunno. Not me. So, if you actually get people that already have comfortable jobs that want to leave their job to sell crap outside, you should flatly reject them because you know they must be crazy. WE CANNOT HAVE CRAZY PEOPLE OF SALES FORCE FIVE. That would be too risky and might compromise our mission. But since I don't have any job at all, desk or otherwise, and since I am like hyper-doubly-sane, I would be happy to join your door-to-door Sales Force Five

I definitely meet your oh-so-stringent job requirements: I definitely look professional as you can see from the photo background on my résumé and I definitely want to make $1,500 every week. I am not necessary the most energetic person, but I do know how to jack myself up on candy to make it appear as though I am naturally energized. I am not really much of a people person, but I am a cat person and God knows, that is like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better anyway. Cat ladies are natural sales women. And also, not only can I help you sell your product, but I can help you like, you know, edit all of the grammatical errors out of your future job posts because OMG OMG OMG, I've got mad GRAMMAR SKILLZ!

I have attached my résumé for you to behold, in all of its Microsoft-y glory. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Death-of-a-Salesman Street Style,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #11: Pyramid Scheme

For Résumé Adventure #11, I am responding to a two-week old recruitment email from a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions district manager that somehow found my résumé online. You can read the email from Farmers Insurance below. I kept the original typos intact. My response follows. You can view the same résumé that the recruiter viewed on Moonbow's Résumé Page. I have changed the Farmers Insurance district manager's name to protect his privacy.

Camels are zero emission vehicles (photo by jaybergesen via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Juan Smith, and I manage a district office of Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions. I found your resume online, and I feel your background is a potential match for a position we have available. I currently have a need for a couple new Sales Agents within my district. 

If you are selected for a position within my district, I will help you capitalize on your strengths in a highly supportive and consultative environment. Many of our established advisors are producing well over a six-figure income; I feel this is a great opportunity for you to look into. We require candidates to have no felonies on record and no bankruptcies within the last 2.5 years, and at least 2 years of professional experience.

If you feel that you are interested in developing a new career with us, please send an e-mail to me and send me an updated version of your resume.

After reviewing your updated resume I will contact you directly.

Best Regards,

Juan Smith

District Manager

To learn more about this position, please go to our website."

My Cover Letter

Dear District Manager,

Thanks so much for sending me an email about your open sales position. I am not sure where you found my email. Hopefully you found it on your own through my blog and are just acting out of desperation because, seriously, I don't have any sales skillz. If you used some sort of bot to cruise Monster for you, well, I should inform you that it isn't working very well because I did not specify any interest in sales. None at all. I am more interested in street fighting and cats and stuff. But whatevs...I need a job. A "J" to the "O" to the "B." I suppose since you and I are both clearly not preoccupied with other stuff and because you claim I can make six figures, we might as well pursue this open stream of correspondence as far as it can go, right? Right.

So, six figures, eh? That is a lot of money and I like money a lot. How exactly does a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions Sales Agent bring in that kind of commission? Is it through some sort of pyramid scheme?  If so that would be AWESOME! I LOVE EGYPT! Did you know that the Great Pyramid was built by like aliens from outer space and stuff? And also that the aliens did chimera experiments on people in ancient Egypt and that is how they have so many pictures of half human half bird people on the walls of the pyramid and on pottery and stuff? Yeah, it is true. I saw it on History Channel. I watch a lot of TV since I have been unemployed for so many years. 

As per your email, the job requirements that you have for the Sales Agent position boil down to three skillzzzz. I think you will be supremely impressed with my skillzzzzzzzzz set, and if fact, I think that you may find that I am overqualified for the position. The first requirement that you mentioned is that I have no felonies on record. Well, let me tell you...actually you are going to be so blown away by this that you may want to sit down. Sit down. Hurry up. I am waiting for you to sit down. Ok. Are you sitting now? Good. So get this...I HAVE NO FELONIES EVER!!!!!! Nope none. Give me ten extra bonus points. I definitely meet that job requirement. The second is that I have no bankruptcies within the last two and a half years. I meet that condition as well because even though I am very broke, I have not filed for bankruptcy, because seriously, dude, filing for bankruptcy is really expensive and I can't afford the attorney fees. Not only have I avoided bankruptcy for the last two and a half years, I have avoided it for 31 years. Did you just gasp is awe? Hahahahahah, I sure bet you did. Wink. Wink. Lol. Finally, you require two years of professional experience. Um, yeah, I got that. I have been a professional-grade cat lady and unmarried housewife for way longer that two years. 

In addition to my rundown of your requirements, I would like to add that I have even more skillzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For example, have you noticed how I casually intergrate the letter "z" into emails to illustrate my coolness factor? Yeah, customers will totally dig that and will want to buy insurance from me just so that my coolness can rub off on them. Also, I am really helpful. Here, I will prove it to you by giving you a helpful tip for free: The grammar rule for writing numbers is that everything below and including the number ten must be written out as a word. Everything including and above the number 13 must be written out in digits. Eleven and twelve are flexible. It is okay to write them out as words or digits. So for example, when you wrote that you "require at least 2 years of professional experience" what you really should right there is "two years of professional experience." Yeah, you should probably fix that. You are welcome.

Thank you so much once again for your time and consideration. I have attached my résumé to this email. I look forward to hearing from you! :-)

Yours in Picking Scarabs,

Moonbow Rollings