Résumé Adventure #19: Beverly Hills Secretary!!!

For Résumé Adventure #19, I am applying to my dream job. 13 hour days, an illegal payment system, working for minimum wage in Beverly Hills so I can drool over those that have more (way more) than me. Yeah, that sounds just divine. You can read the original job post on Craigslist or read the excerpted part below. My emailed cover letter follows and my résumé can be found on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).

The Job Post

"2 Office Assistants/Secretary (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour

Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.

Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.

Hours are between 10AM-11PM

Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.

Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."

My Cover Letter

Dear Dream Job Recruiter,

I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary. 

First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits. 

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

There is no need to fear 

When Moonbow Rollings is near

Answering the Powowowowower Phones

In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit! 

Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!

Can you hold...my heart? 

JK LOL No I don't think so!

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode. 

You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers. 

You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!! 

I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you. 

As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!

The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits. 

I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Pee-Patties,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #18: I Wanna be Willy Loman When I Grow Up!

For Résumé Adventure #18, I am taking a look southward towards that beacon of gleaming boredom and detached single family homes, San Diego! I am not having much luck up here in Long Beach finding any work, but maybe San Diego can scootch over a nudge and make room for Moonbow. This morning, a Craigslist job post beckons to me, calling out for me to leave my desk behind for the Willy Loman door-to-door sales path to enlightenment. You can read the excerpted job post and my cover letter below. You can bask in the glory of my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Door-to-door sales are the stuff of nightmares (photo by h3h via Flickr.)

The Job Post

"Are you Tired of Working at a Desk? (san diego)
Date: 2012-06-08, 8:49AM PDT
Location: san diego

Have you spent 8 hours a day or more sitting at a desk staring out the window wishing you were outside enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather?!
Many of our current employees say that this was them. What we are looking for is 5 energetic highly motivated individuals to help our marketing department.
This is the healthiest industry in the economy today. What we specialize in is energy efficient home improvements.
There are many companies in San Diego doing what we do.
However there isn't one out there that has 25 years in business or that generates anywhere near the 23 million in new sales volumes each year as we do.

If you are a people person, if you have a professional appearance and most importantly if your ready to make over 1500$ a week with no experience required than this is the job for you.
We offer paid training in a fun and exciting work environment.
Please don't spend you time behind a desk unhappy anymore making little money compared to the effort you put in.
We have the vehicle to change your life and promote a new career for yourself.
For immediate consideration please email your resume"

My Cover Letter

Dear Silicon City Recruiter,

I read your job post on Craigslist and I am interested in joining your sales team. Once I join, we can call ourselves the Sales Force Five and get coordinating but not matching uniforms with sleek utility belts. I am totally going to take San Diego by sales-storm. Sales Force Five will br organized ourselves like Charlie's Angels and we'll do cool ninja spy stuff with office supplies too. Maybe we'll make nun-chucks out of pencils and rubber bands. And we'll have secret code words too. I know we'll be a really good secret terminology team because I can already understand your code language. For example, I can tell that the beautiful sun-drenched job that you are describing in your post is actually a Willy Loman style door-to-door sales job in an over-saturated market. Ah-ah! You see! I TOTALLY get you and we haven't even met yet!!! Also, I totally dig the way you like practically beg people to apply for you job. Don't worry. It shows that you are a man or woman of the people and that you are not afraid to bow down to the awesomeness of my presence. 

In your job post you say that you are looking for people that are sick of being stuck at their desk jobs. Well, I don't actually have a desk job, but I do have a desk and I do sit at it all day long while I troll the Internet looking for cute pictures of cats dressed up in business suits. I guess it would be better to get out there in the world and make some money. Plus with all of that time out in the blaring hot Southern California sun, I should be able to overcome my vitamin D deficiency. That would be AWESOME! Honestly, if I did have a desk job, I would be super triple unicorn happy about just being employed and I would fight fang and claw to keep my comfy, cushy desk job. Who in their right mind would leave their ergonomically designed swiveling office seat to go stumbling around in the hot sun on foot all day doing door-to-door sales? I dunno. Not me. So, if you actually get people that already have comfortable jobs that want to leave their job to sell crap outside, you should flatly reject them because you know they must be crazy. WE CANNOT HAVE CRAZY PEOPLE OF SALES FORCE FIVE. That would be too risky and might compromise our mission. But since I don't have any job at all, desk or otherwise, and since I am like hyper-doubly-sane, I would be happy to join your door-to-door Sales Force Five

I definitely meet your oh-so-stringent job requirements: I definitely look professional as you can see from the photo background on my résumé and I definitely want to make $1,500 every week. I am not necessary the most energetic person, but I do know how to jack myself up on candy to make it appear as though I am naturally energized. I am not really much of a people person, but I am a cat person and God knows, that is like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better anyway. Cat ladies are natural sales women. And also, not only can I help you sell your product, but I can help you like, you know, edit all of the grammatical errors out of your future job posts because OMG OMG OMG, I've got mad GRAMMAR SKILLZ!

I have attached my résumé for you to behold, in all of its Microsoft-y glory. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Death-of-a-Salesman Street Style,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #16: Eight Hours of Daily Hell with La Canada Age-Discriminators

For Résumé Adventure #16, we are going to take a cover letter trip to the pristine streets of affluent La Canada, California. I found a job post on Craigslist from a family ageist douche-tubes that needs someone to deal with all of the unpleasant parts of life for them. I have excerpted the job post below. My cover letter follows. You can read the résumé that I sent this domestic dream-maker on Moonbow's Résumé Page. This is pretty far from Long Beach, but I hope I get it any way. Wish me lots of luck!

Srubstep goes hand in hand with beatboxing (photo by wrestlingentropy via Flickr). 

The Job Post

"full-time housekeeper (la canada)
Date: 2012-06-05, 12:59PM PDT
Location: la canada

We are looking for a full-time, female housekeeper, 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. Must have experience with a large house. Must drive. Duties include all housecleaning services: clean floors, windows, change beds, laundry, clean kitchen, etc... we need a reliable person who is great with children and is professional and organized. We would prefer someone under the age of 50. This is a long term employment opportunity. Please only respond if you are qualify. Thank You."

My Cover Letter

Dear Maid Seeker,

I am interested in the housekeeper position that you posted on Craigslist. You list several job requirements in your post and I believe that I meet them all.

First, you want someone that is female. Well, guess, what? Yup, you got it! I AM FEMALE. GIRLZ ROOL!!!! You gotta admit -- the best part about being a woman is that you get solicitations to clean other people's toilets. Like, srsly, who ever hear of a man cleaning up a house? God, I love being a woman. I am woman! Hear me scour!

Second, you want someone that drives. Well, I do. Okay, so I do have this little problem where ice cream truck jingles put me into a medically-verified trance that often results in me running my car off the road, but I can probably drive up in La Canada where you live because it is pretty fancy and affluent up there and you probably don't have any ice cream trucks randomly driving around like we do down here in the LBC.

Third, you are looking for someone with experience with a large house. I have a pretty big place of my own...600 square feet of rented heaven that I share with a huge pride of adorable house cats. I manage and clean my whole place on my own. I sweep, mop, clean up dust, scoop up sticky hairballs, scrub the toilet and litter box, cook, and do shopping all on my own. Not many people can say that they take care of their own house these days. I can totally do that for you. Cleaning is an art form. It is okay if you haven't mastered cleanliness and house hygiene in your own home yet. I will use my mop mastery to pull you out of the filth-laden pit that has become your life. So yeah, I've got that requirement covered! :-D

Fourth, you need someone that is great with kids. I am going to guess that since you even had to mention this, that your little ones are just total, inconsiderate self-entitled slobs that like to trash newly cleaned areas and just leave all of their toys and dirty laundry and half-eaten snacks laying all over the house for the maid to pick up. It is probably pretty hard to get someone who is willing to put up with that kind of abuse. Well, look no further because I AM YOUR VICTIM! YEAH! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! I have no qualms about dealing with children. In fact, kids should be minded by their housekeepers and not their own parents. I know this is true because nobody ever complains about the inadequacy of their housekeepers in therapy, just their parents. LOL! My philosophy about kids is that as long as they are not playing with matches or watching reality television, that they should just do whatever they want.

Fifth, you said that you prefer someone that is under the age of 50. Well, once again, that is me. I want to come and clean your house and watch your kids and run your errands for you sooooooo bad that I am not even going to report you for putting that illegal ageism age-discrimination bullshit in your job post. I mean, I love people of all ages, but if you hate people over the age of 50 so much that you won't even let them interview for your housekeeping job, well that is your business. Just because people over the age of 50 are capable of important things like governing countries, being judges, running large organizations, and other responsibility-laden stuff like that, does not in any way indicate that older workers are smart enough to clean the soap scum ring out of your bathtub.

Lastly, I would like to say that I think it would be awesome to land your long-term employment job. Since it is long term, I bet you offer benefits like health care, paid time off, and sick leave. I know you didn't mention those things in your post, but you know, I bet you offer those basic work benefits. Right? Ok, who am I kidding? You probably were not planning on giving your future employee any of those things. But, after you meet me, I know you are going to want to hook me up with that stuff. Why, you ask? Because not only do I meet all of the requirements of your job listing, but I also have more skillz. For example, I have MAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ! I can defend you and your family in the event of a spontaneous smack down challenge. Also, I know how to beatbox, so if your electricity ever goes out and you can't put the kids in front of the television to keep them out of your way, I can entertain them with my musical stylings. If you are a single parent and need to hire someone to fill that labor need, I am clearly just the sort of protective and entertaining lioness that you are looking for. Finally, I am all about attention to detail which is an excellent quality in any employee. For example, I noticed every single one of your job post typos! All nine of them.

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to gaze intently at. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours in Yellow Rubber Gloves,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #8: Dysfunctional Sexy Nacho Time Reality Show on Major Network!

Today's Résumé Adventure is for grown-ups only. Apparently a major network is looking for someone to be on their reality show about sexy-time stuff and I, Moonbow, am all about sexy-time stuff. On yeah, you know it! You can see the original job post in all of its improperly capitalized glory on Craigslist, or you can just view excerpted the text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's masterful butchering of written English and random use of bold text, underlines, and random highlighting. I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the TV show's recruiter today. You can view my titillating résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

When sexy-time partners don't wear matching clothes, you know there is trouble in paradise 

(photo by gareth1953 Alive and Well and Much Better via Flickr).

The Job Post

"SEX THERAPY Series on MAJOR NETWORK Now Casting Season 2! (Los Angeles)

Date: 2012-05-22, 11:53AM PDT

Location: Los Angeles

Compensation: TBD

Successful Sex Therapy Series on Major Network is Now Getting Ready to Kick-Off Season 2!

We are looking for Individuals or Couples with Sexual Addictions, Compulsions, Intimacy Disorders & Anything in Between.

• Is Sex Ruining Your Relationship, Marriage, Job, or Life?

• Does your Sexual Fetish make you feel powerless?

• Or do you find Sex Difficult?

Now Casting Individuals or Couples 18 and older who need the help or a Sex Specialist!

To apply:

Send us an E-Mail about yourself to the e-mail address provided above. Please include:

• Name
• Age
• Current Photo
• Your City and State
• Phone Number
• Tell Us About Yourself

*PLEASE USE E-MAIL ADDRESS PROVIDED ABOVE*"

My Cover Letter

Dear Theraputic Sexual Recruiter,

My name is Moonbow Rollings. I am 31 years young. I am living large in Long Beach, California. I don't have a phone number, sorry, but if you need to get a message or contract to me, my cats are trained messengers. Here is a little bit about me and why I want to be on your sexy dysfunction TV show: 

I have been unemployed for a mega-long time and it is definitely affecting my ability to find a man to do sexy things with such as eating nachos or pretending to be prehistoric animals. I guess being unemployed has got me down in the dumpster and I just can't use my womanly ways with processed cheese like I used to. OMG! If it weren't for my precious little baby cats, I would be totally extra lonely. Wait...does that make it sound like I date cats? Well, I don't. That isn't what I meant. Like, duh! Don't worry, I don't eat nachos with my cats. That would be soooooo gross. Srsly. I know that people from La Jolla are into hookin' up with felines, but no way, man, not me. We don't do that kind of thing in here in Long Beach. Anyway, I just know that I would be an excellent subject for a major network show that reveals the most secret, private stuff of people that don't get sexy-time. 

I don't have any addictions or compulsions or intimacy issues, I just have trouble getting men to like me even though I am way more beautiful than any other woman in Long Beach. Lately, if I do find a cute guys that I want to have Mesozoic beast fun with, they expect me to pay them!!! Maybe they need the money because the economy is so bad, but this is a major problem for me because I can't afford to pay them because I am unemployed. What I really need is guys to do sexy stuff with me for free. When I see a man on the street that I think is a total hottie like myself, I offer him some Flamin' Hot Cheetos because they are a scientifically proven aphrodisiac. But guess what? Not even Cheetos are enough to seduce a nice man these days. :-(  I would like your sex specialist to help me find sexy nacho time for free. It would also be okay for the sex helper to give me some money so I can pay some beef cake hotties to hook up with me. Like if you want to tape me talking about all this stuff with the sex specialist, that is cool, so long as you pay me (I am a job seeker, you know). I don't have any human family members to embarrass by putting all of the private business of my private parts out in the public sphere on national television. I do have cats for family, but they don't like reality television shows, so I don't think they will care if I am on one. They do like a good crime drama, but I promised them I would never be on a crime drama, so we are all good on that front. 

I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Your in Sexy Thang Miracles,

Moonbow Rollings