Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).
The Job Post
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour
Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.
Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.
Hours are between 10AM-11PM
Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.
Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."
My Cover Letter
Dear Dream Job Recruiter,
I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary.
First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits.
Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez!
And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!
PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh!
PS, I love you!
There is no need to fear
When Moonbow Rollings is near
Answering the Powowowowower Phones
In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit!
Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!
Can you hold...my heart?
JK LOL No I don't think so!
Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez!
And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!
PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh!
PS, I love you!
Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode.
You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers.
You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!!
I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you.
As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!
The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits.
I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Yours in Pee-Patties,
Moonbow Rollings
