Résumé Adventure #19: Beverly Hills Secretary!!!

For Résumé Adventure #19, I am applying to my dream job. 13 hour days, an illegal payment system, working for minimum wage in Beverly Hills so I can drool over those that have more (way more) than me. Yeah, that sounds just divine. You can read the original job post on Craigslist or read the excerpted part below. My emailed cover letter follows and my résumé can be found on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).

The Job Post

"2 Office Assistants/Secretary (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour

Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.

Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.

Hours are between 10AM-11PM

Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.

Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."

My Cover Letter

Dear Dream Job Recruiter,

I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary. 

First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits. 

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

There is no need to fear 

When Moonbow Rollings is near

Answering the Powowowowower Phones

In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit! 

Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!

Can you hold...my heart? 

JK LOL No I don't think so!

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode. 

You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers. 

You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!! 

I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you. 

As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!

The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits. 

I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Pee-Patties,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #16: Eight Hours of Daily Hell with La Canada Age-Discriminators

For Résumé Adventure #16, we are going to take a cover letter trip to the pristine streets of affluent La Canada, California. I found a job post on Craigslist from a family ageist douche-tubes that needs someone to deal with all of the unpleasant parts of life for them. I have excerpted the job post below. My cover letter follows. You can read the résumé that I sent this domestic dream-maker on Moonbow's Résumé Page. This is pretty far from Long Beach, but I hope I get it any way. Wish me lots of luck!

Srubstep goes hand in hand with beatboxing (photo by wrestlingentropy via Flickr). 

The Job Post

"full-time housekeeper (la canada)
Date: 2012-06-05, 12:59PM PDT
Location: la canada

We are looking for a full-time, female housekeeper, 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. Must have experience with a large house. Must drive. Duties include all housecleaning services: clean floors, windows, change beds, laundry, clean kitchen, etc... we need a reliable person who is great with children and is professional and organized. We would prefer someone under the age of 50. This is a long term employment opportunity. Please only respond if you are qualify. Thank You."

My Cover Letter

Dear Maid Seeker,

I am interested in the housekeeper position that you posted on Craigslist. You list several job requirements in your post and I believe that I meet them all.

First, you want someone that is female. Well, guess, what? Yup, you got it! I AM FEMALE. GIRLZ ROOL!!!! You gotta admit -- the best part about being a woman is that you get solicitations to clean other people's toilets. Like, srsly, who ever hear of a man cleaning up a house? God, I love being a woman. I am woman! Hear me scour!

Second, you want someone that drives. Well, I do. Okay, so I do have this little problem where ice cream truck jingles put me into a medically-verified trance that often results in me running my car off the road, but I can probably drive up in La Canada where you live because it is pretty fancy and affluent up there and you probably don't have any ice cream trucks randomly driving around like we do down here in the LBC.

Third, you are looking for someone with experience with a large house. I have a pretty big place of my own...600 square feet of rented heaven that I share with a huge pride of adorable house cats. I manage and clean my whole place on my own. I sweep, mop, clean up dust, scoop up sticky hairballs, scrub the toilet and litter box, cook, and do shopping all on my own. Not many people can say that they take care of their own house these days. I can totally do that for you. Cleaning is an art form. It is okay if you haven't mastered cleanliness and house hygiene in your own home yet. I will use my mop mastery to pull you out of the filth-laden pit that has become your life. So yeah, I've got that requirement covered! :-D

Fourth, you need someone that is great with kids. I am going to guess that since you even had to mention this, that your little ones are just total, inconsiderate self-entitled slobs that like to trash newly cleaned areas and just leave all of their toys and dirty laundry and half-eaten snacks laying all over the house for the maid to pick up. It is probably pretty hard to get someone who is willing to put up with that kind of abuse. Well, look no further because I AM YOUR VICTIM! YEAH! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! I have no qualms about dealing with children. In fact, kids should be minded by their housekeepers and not their own parents. I know this is true because nobody ever complains about the inadequacy of their housekeepers in therapy, just their parents. LOL! My philosophy about kids is that as long as they are not playing with matches or watching reality television, that they should just do whatever they want.

Fifth, you said that you prefer someone that is under the age of 50. Well, once again, that is me. I want to come and clean your house and watch your kids and run your errands for you sooooooo bad that I am not even going to report you for putting that illegal ageism age-discrimination bullshit in your job post. I mean, I love people of all ages, but if you hate people over the age of 50 so much that you won't even let them interview for your housekeeping job, well that is your business. Just because people over the age of 50 are capable of important things like governing countries, being judges, running large organizations, and other responsibility-laden stuff like that, does not in any way indicate that older workers are smart enough to clean the soap scum ring out of your bathtub.

Lastly, I would like to say that I think it would be awesome to land your long-term employment job. Since it is long term, I bet you offer benefits like health care, paid time off, and sick leave. I know you didn't mention those things in your post, but you know, I bet you offer those basic work benefits. Right? Ok, who am I kidding? You probably were not planning on giving your future employee any of those things. But, after you meet me, I know you are going to want to hook me up with that stuff. Why, you ask? Because not only do I meet all of the requirements of your job listing, but I also have more skillz. For example, I have MAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ! I can defend you and your family in the event of a spontaneous smack down challenge. Also, I know how to beatbox, so if your electricity ever goes out and you can't put the kids in front of the television to keep them out of your way, I can entertain them with my musical stylings. If you are a single parent and need to hire someone to fill that labor need, I am clearly just the sort of protective and entertaining lioness that you are looking for. Finally, I am all about attention to detail which is an excellent quality in any employee. For example, I noticed every single one of your job post typos! All nine of them.

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to gaze intently at. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours in Yellow Rubber Gloves,
Moonbow Rollings