Résumé Adventure #20: Job with Vague Promise of Potential Pay in the Future, Maybe

I have been M.I.A. from M.R.A. for quite a while. Let us just pretend that nothing when awry and get back on track with Résumé Adventure #20. For this Résumé Adventure, I am applying  to a position on Craigslist with Hollywood Leek. Their writing position offers no pay, but the potential to get paid in the future. Maybe. If I am lucky. But you, probably not. I have excerpted the job posting from Craigslist below. My cover letter follows. Be sure to look over my luckeriffic résumé on Moonbow's Résumé page.

It is not easy being leeky (photo by snickclunk via Flickr).

The Job Posting

Comedy Writer for HollywoodLeek.com (Hollywood)

Date: 2012-06-21, 3:47PM, PDT

Location: Hollywood

Compensation: No initial pay. Potential for Future Staff Position.

HollywoodLeek.com is an entertainment news satire service currently recruiting comedy writers to create satirical content. Along with articles, Hollywood Leek is developing a video component with a producing partner, including viral videos, fake trailers, and a daily news show. 

Hollywood Leek provides writers with immense visibility in the industry and nationwide. Writers will work alongside award winning comedians, produced screenwriters, Emmy-nominated TV writers, film producers and more. Huge potential for future salaried staff position. 

We would love to talk further about writing for Hollywood Leek! Please contact us to set up an interview. Thank you!

My Cover Letter

Dear Leek of Hollywood,

I am responding to your job post from the List that is Craig's. Did you rip-off the title of the mother of all modern short printed news satire, The Onion? I bet The Onion hates you for treading on their odoriferous vegetate-allium title + satire territory. Do you have a feud with them now? Please, please, please say YES. I hope so. And I hope it is long-standing and grueling. I personally adore a good feud. Feuding is the sole reason that I got into lone-warrior beatboxing and street fighting. I hate the ass-cheeky, self-satisfied, predictable attempts at humor that The Onion tries to pass off as readable. Sometimes if I am trying to get coffee from one of those public coffee dispensing establishments with free wireless fidelity, already seated window-hogging coffee-bitches will ask me if I have seen such-and-such article in The Onion blah-blah-blah because apparently social caffeine drinkers think it is just soooooo funny hahahahahahha. But, it isn't. The Onion just is not funny at all ever. Don't worry. I stay true to myself by sneering at their feeble attempts to engage me in that chat that is chit. I have made a vow to one day become a barista just so I can conceal my own spittle in the foam of their over-priced cappuccinos and then REVENGE WILL BE MINE. I hope you wipe the linoleum with The Onion so you can get some revenge too. Let's agree to think evil-y sort of thoughts about the The Onion while eating actual onions until our common enemy has been appropriately  subverted and dominated.

So, yeah, you should work with me because I am a good writer. Nah, I am a great writer. No. Scratch that. I am a fist-pumping, jacked-up-mega-unicorn-posse writer. It is true. You can ask the kids up in 'Dena. They know all about my unicorn posse. Do you know what makes me a great writer? Huh? Guess. Come on. Just guess, already. No, I am not telling you until you at least try to guess at why I am a great writer. Fine. Whatever. I'll tell you. Ready? Wait for it...I HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Two of them in fact. I can write with pens. I can write with pencils. I can write with crayons and colored pencils. And I can write with a keyboard. Or a stylus. Or even a touchscreen keyboard. Yeah...you read right...I can write it all, baby. I can write stuff while ice skating or eating snacks or listening to White Snake B-sides. I can even write stuff while I have the syndrome that is premenstrual. I bet you can't do that. I have definitely got some mad writing skillz, for real. 

Also, like wouldn't it be awesome it viral videos actually gave people viruses? Then you could totally use them for feuds. If that viral video dream ever came true, I would totally pretend to be friendly with my numerous and many and formidable enemies and I would be like "Hey, Ex-Enemy." And then they would be like "Hey, Moonbow. Please don't street fight us today." And then I would be like "No, I don't want want to fight. I want to be friends. Let us be friends. Here, check out this hilarious and adorable online video of a kitten snuggling with a baby panda bear that is snuggling with baby that is dressed up as a panda bear." And then my enemies would watch the video and before they could squeal "awwww, so cute," WHAM! They would have contracted varicella zoster virus. Maybe if you befriend me we could put a zoster virus on your website. That would be so AWESOME!

At this point, I bet you are like totally impressed with my feuding and writing skills. You should probably just hire me now. Oh wait, you won't hire me. Hahahahahhahahahhaha. LOL x infinity +1. I totally forgot about that part where you want people to work for you without compensation. Joke is on me, I suppose. HAHAHAHAhahahahahHAHAHAHha. You are indeed funny, my friend. Oh well, you do say that there is huge potential involved with your writing position. As an American, I do like me some huge. I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Just remember, Moonbow Luvs Yoo!

Yours in Power-Scallions,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #19: Beverly Hills Secretary!!!

For Résumé Adventure #19, I am applying to my dream job. 13 hour days, an illegal payment system, working for minimum wage in Beverly Hills so I can drool over those that have more (way more) than me. Yeah, that sounds just divine. You can read the original job post on Craigslist or read the excerpted part below. My emailed cover letter follows and my résumé can be found on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).

The Job Post

"2 Office Assistants/Secretary (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour

Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.

Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.

Hours are between 10AM-11PM

Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.

Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."

My Cover Letter

Dear Dream Job Recruiter,

I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary. 

First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits. 

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

There is no need to fear 

When Moonbow Rollings is near

Answering the Powowowowower Phones

In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit! 

Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!

Can you hold...my heart? 

JK LOL No I don't think so!

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode. 

You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers. 

You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!! 

I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you. 

As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!

The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits. 

I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Pee-Patties,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #17: Secret Shopper Scam!

For Résumé Adventure #17, I am responding to a clearly fraudulent email from a recruiter claiming that he works for a secret shopping service called Customer Perspectives. You can read the email below...I have excerpted the whole thing in its entirety, including tons of dead-give-away grammatical and structural errors that just scream not-too-bright scam artist. Between you and me...I know this job is a total fake and I am not going to get involved with this recruiter beyond sending in my sarcastic cover letter, which you can ch-ch-ch-check out below. I hope it teaches that scam-tard a lesson. I seem to get these sort of fake employment emails frequently, but this one is a little different because the sender seems to be impersonating a legitimate business. So after I send out my cover letter to this fake recruiter, I am going to call the real Customer Perspectives company up and let them know what is going on. Being unemployed gives me lots of time to fight crime and evil doers! You should read what the Better Business Bureau wrote about this scam.

You forget what shopping looks like when you have been unemployed for as long as I have. 

I think it looks like this (photo by epSos.de via Flickr). 

The Recruitment Email

"Hello,

Our company conducts surveys and evaluate other companies. We get hired to go to other peoples companies and act like customers in order to know how the staffs and personnel there handle company services in relation to their customers. Once we have a contract to do you would be directed to the company or outlet and you would be given the funds you need to do the job (either purchase things or require services) after which you would write a comment on the staffs activities and give a detailed record of your experience. Examples of details you would forward to us are;

1) How long it took you to get services.
2) Smartness of the attendant.
3) Customer service professionalism.
4) Sometimes you might be required to upset the attendant to see how they react to clients when they get tensed (under pressure).

'When performance is measured and reported, service improves. When performance is measured, reported and shared with employees, service accelerates.company representatives play in driving purchase intent. Most companies employ our assistance when people give complaints about their services or when they feel there is need for them to improve their service.

JOB DESCRIPTIONS?
1. Receive payment from a mystery shopper in form of certified check/money order
2. Cash and Deduct $250 which will be your salary.
3. Forward balance after deduction salary to a mystery shopper whose information will be provided in subsequents emails via an outlet you will be evaluating

DO YOU NEED TO PAY FOR THE TRANSFER FEE FROM YOUR PERCENTAGE?

No you do not have to; all necessary transfer fees should be deducted from the balance after you must have cashed and deduct your $250 from the total money Received after cashing.

ADVANTAGES

You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent
contractor right from your home / office.
Your job is absolutely legitimate.
You can earn up To 3000- 4000USD monthly depending on time you will
spend for this job.
You do not need any capital to start.
You can do the work easily without leaving or affecting your present
Job.The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers.Anyway our employees never leave us.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS,
18 years or older, Legally capable, Responsible, Ready to work 3-4 hours per week. With PC knowledge, E-mail and Internet experience (minimal)

Your identity would be kept confidential as the job states (secret shopper) you would be pain $250 for every survey you carry out bonus
on
Your transportation allowance and funds would be given to you if you have to dine as part of the duty.

Your job will be to evaluate and comment on customer service in a wide
variety of shops, stores, restaurant and services in your area. No
commitment is made on this job and you would have the flexible hours as it
suits you.

If you are interested do send in your:

(I)Your Full Name:
(II)Your Residential address:
City:
State:
Zip Code:
(III)Present work address:
(IV)Home and mobile Phone numbers:
(V)Email address:
(VI)Your age and Current Occupation:
(VII) Your Gender:

So we can look at your distance from the locations which you have to put your service into, and your address would also be needed for your payments. We also implore you to send a scanned copy of any form of identification for the processing of your application form and also for record purpose but if you cannot provide it presently then you can provide it later..

Are you a U.S. citizen or otherwise authorized to work in the U.S._______

PLEASE NOTE: ONLY INTERESTED APPLICANTS SHOULD RESPOND. AND CHECK YOUR EMAIL BACK FOR RESPONSE WITHINT 24  HOURS............

Regards,
Thanks.
Hiring Manager.
Thomaks tura
Customer Perspectives"

My Cover Letter

Dear Thomaks tura,

Thank you for sending me an email about your secret shopper job opportunity. Actually, scratch that. No thank-you. I wish you never sent me this job opportunity because it is clearly a BIG STUPID WTF SCAM. You really suck at putting together a believable recruitment email. Really, you do. Let me tell you how I knew your recruitment email was a scam-tard fake:

First of all, your spelling sucks, you don't structure anything consistently, you don't punctuate properly, and you don't use words or symbols that a fluent English speaker would use. You didn't even capitalize your own last name! You are clearly living somewhere over-seas and you obviously have a very poor concept of American vernacular. Or worse yet, you just think that all Americans are hopelessly dumb. Well, I certainly am not dumb and I find your lack of attention to detail annoying and insulting. For god's sake man, the website of the company that you are impersonating doesn't have the same sort of flawed language as your email. No legitimate company would ever let an email that was brimming with so many errors go out into the world as a representation of their work. I know ninja kittens who write better letters than you. 

Second, your email address name doesn't match the name that you sign-off with. Nor does your email address match that of the Customer Perspectives contacts. Company employees generally do not use gmail addresses for official business and if they do, they do not use the phrase "handsome1" as you have done. I would be a whole week's ration of Flaming Cheetos that you are not even handsome. Why do you have to turn me into a player hater like that? You make me player hate you.

Third, um, dude, seriously, anything involving the LAUNDERING OF CERTIFIED CHECKS is BLATANTLY CRIMINAL. WTF ARE YOU THINKING?

Fourth, in the United States, it is ILLEGAL to ask for the candidate's age in a job post or employment application. No legitimate company or recruiter would ever do that.

Fifth, the fact that you have to stress the legitimacy of your job opportunity and how wonderful it is means that you are over-compensating for the fact that it is indeed fake and total bullshit.

But, um, despite all of that, I am going to answer your ridiculous little survey anyway:

(I)Your Full Name: MOONBOW ROLLINGS
(II)Your Residential address: ROT IN A CHEETO-LESS HELL!
City: TAKE A LONG WALK OFF OF A SHORT PIER!
State: YOU SUCK COCKROACH BALLS!
Zip Code: I WILL NEVER HIGH FIVE YOU! NEVER!
(III)Present work address: WTF?!!!
(IV)Home and mobile Phone numbers: 555-GO-SCREW-YOURSELF
(V)Email address: UNICORNS HATE YOU!
(VI)Your age and Current Occupation: ADORABLE KITTENS HATE YOU!
(VII) Your Gender: MOONBOW HATES YOU!

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Yours in Cockroach Balls,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #9: Taking Advantage of the Geriatric Set

Wow! Bankers Life and Casualty Company wants to interview me about selling stuff to unsuspecting seniors.ME! Can you believe it? I didn't even apply for a job with their company, they just sent me an email that basically says come be our sales bitch, yo! I think I might actually be getting closer to getting a job :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  I signed up for Monster and I just knew that the barrage of annoying half-rate predatory advertisements must mean that Monster is a valuable and worthwhile website. I sent my résumé and cover letter the the recruiter. You can read my ageless résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter and the recruiter's poorly written email can be found below. I left out some identifying parts on account of how I am nice about privacy and stuff, but mostly because I don't want any other résumé adventurers stealing my job lead. Nobody puts Moonbow in a corner!

YUM!!! Coffin full of doughnuts (photo by Smath via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Sunny Sunsmith and I am a branch manager at Bankers Life and Casualty Company. I came across your resume on Monster. I believe you have the skills to be a successful independent insurance agent at Bankers and would like to extend an invitation to meet me and my management team. Bankers is a leading national insurance company who has been in business for over 130 years. We help service the needs of the retirement market by educating individuals on the financial realities of retirement. Our insurance products help provide peace of mind and independence. 

Bankers is also committed to supporting the causes that affect our customers and their families. Bankers is a proud national sponsor of the Alzheimer's Association and since 2003, has helped raise more than $2 million for the Alzheimer's Association through our annual Forget Me Not Days nationwide fundraiser and corporate donations.

If you would like to learn more about Bankers and the opportunities we have available, please schedule a time to meet with my management team online. The online process takes less than 2 minutes.

Thanks and I look forward to meeting you.

Sunny Sunsmith

Branch Manager|Bankers Life and Casualty Company"

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister Sunsmith,

Thank you so much for using a bot to scour the electronic underbelly of Monster.com to find me. It must have been a treacherous journey through their forest of pop-up advertisements. I am glad you survived and want to be the gallant knight in a cheap suit and tie that rescues me from the throws of unemployment. Normally, I would suspect that you are offering a really crappy job because you are trying to sell the job to me without me having to sell my skill set to you. Generally speaking, that means an employer is desperate because their job sucks so bad that nobody wants it. But you know, since you are just all about genuinely helping out senior citizens, well, you must be good people. I read on Wikipedia that you guys get sued all the time for denying policy holders their benefits, but that must be a mistake because you are so NICE!!! I am sure that you don't give money to charitable causes just to wrangle more customers and unsuspecting job seekers. I can totally tell from your superfluous mention of your Alzheimer's charity in a recruitment email that you must really care about your clients! 

Let me use your charitable giving as an example to show you how good I am at selling stuff: You are probably thinking that Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance has to donate money to Alzheimer's research to make sure that your customer base doesn't get Alzheimer's because then they will be too sick to deal with buying insurance from you. That is definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of approach. I would take the glass-is-half-full path and use client memory loss as a way to SELL MORE INSURANCE. I would be like "Hey, do you want to buy some insurance for when you die?" And the customer would be like "I already bought insurance from you, Moonbow." And then I would be all like "Ummmmm, no you didn't. Your age-related memory loss is confusing you." And then the customer would be like "Oh yeah, I guess you are right. You better sell me some more insurance." And then we would both eat doughnuts from your in-office snack station and it would be AWESOME! So, yeah, I can totally be a douchey, predatory saleswoman that targets venerated elders. No problemo. 

Also, I really like that your company name has the word "life" in it before "casualty." That shows that you like to think on the bright side, too! Just like me, Moonbow! Casualty makes me think of war and death and unwaxed floss. SO SPOOKY!!!! I also like that you refer to your management team so much. Are you guys like a corporate gang? That is soooo gangster, dude! My only question for you is like, if I come work for you, how long will I have to target unsuspecting mature adults before I get to retire in style myself? I want to move to Leisure World in Seal Beach when I retire. They have this giant metal globe in front of their assisted living community that is really cool. When I retire to Leisure World, I am going to pronounce the word "leisure" the real classy way. You know, like "leh-sha world" instead of like "leesure world" which is just so declasse!

I have attached my résumé to this email for your records. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Socially Acceptable Stealing,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #8: Dysfunctional Sexy Nacho Time Reality Show on Major Network!

Today's Résumé Adventure is for grown-ups only. Apparently a major network is looking for someone to be on their reality show about sexy-time stuff and I, Moonbow, am all about sexy-time stuff. On yeah, you know it! You can see the original job post in all of its improperly capitalized glory on Craigslist, or you can just view excerpted the text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's masterful butchering of written English and random use of bold text, underlines, and random highlighting. I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the TV show's recruiter today. You can view my titillating résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

When sexy-time partners don't wear matching clothes, you know there is trouble in paradise 

(photo by gareth1953 Alive and Well and Much Better via Flickr).

The Job Post

"SEX THERAPY Series on MAJOR NETWORK Now Casting Season 2! (Los Angeles)

Date: 2012-05-22, 11:53AM PDT

Location: Los Angeles

Compensation: TBD

Successful Sex Therapy Series on Major Network is Now Getting Ready to Kick-Off Season 2!

We are looking for Individuals or Couples with Sexual Addictions, Compulsions, Intimacy Disorders & Anything in Between.

• Is Sex Ruining Your Relationship, Marriage, Job, or Life?

• Does your Sexual Fetish make you feel powerless?

• Or do you find Sex Difficult?

Now Casting Individuals or Couples 18 and older who need the help or a Sex Specialist!

To apply:

Send us an E-Mail about yourself to the e-mail address provided above. Please include:

• Name
• Age
• Current Photo
• Your City and State
• Phone Number
• Tell Us About Yourself

*PLEASE USE E-MAIL ADDRESS PROVIDED ABOVE*"

My Cover Letter

Dear Theraputic Sexual Recruiter,

My name is Moonbow Rollings. I am 31 years young. I am living large in Long Beach, California. I don't have a phone number, sorry, but if you need to get a message or contract to me, my cats are trained messengers. Here is a little bit about me and why I want to be on your sexy dysfunction TV show: 

I have been unemployed for a mega-long time and it is definitely affecting my ability to find a man to do sexy things with such as eating nachos or pretending to be prehistoric animals. I guess being unemployed has got me down in the dumpster and I just can't use my womanly ways with processed cheese like I used to. OMG! If it weren't for my precious little baby cats, I would be totally extra lonely. Wait...does that make it sound like I date cats? Well, I don't. That isn't what I meant. Like, duh! Don't worry, I don't eat nachos with my cats. That would be soooooo gross. Srsly. I know that people from La Jolla are into hookin' up with felines, but no way, man, not me. We don't do that kind of thing in here in Long Beach. Anyway, I just know that I would be an excellent subject for a major network show that reveals the most secret, private stuff of people that don't get sexy-time. 

I don't have any addictions or compulsions or intimacy issues, I just have trouble getting men to like me even though I am way more beautiful than any other woman in Long Beach. Lately, if I do find a cute guys that I want to have Mesozoic beast fun with, they expect me to pay them!!! Maybe they need the money because the economy is so bad, but this is a major problem for me because I can't afford to pay them because I am unemployed. What I really need is guys to do sexy stuff with me for free. When I see a man on the street that I think is a total hottie like myself, I offer him some Flamin' Hot Cheetos because they are a scientifically proven aphrodisiac. But guess what? Not even Cheetos are enough to seduce a nice man these days. :-(  I would like your sex specialist to help me find sexy nacho time for free. It would also be okay for the sex helper to give me some money so I can pay some beef cake hotties to hook up with me. Like if you want to tape me talking about all this stuff with the sex specialist, that is cool, so long as you pay me (I am a job seeker, you know). I don't have any human family members to embarrass by putting all of the private business of my private parts out in the public sphere on national television. I do have cats for family, but they don't like reality television shows, so I don't think they will care if I am on one. They do like a good crime drama, but I promised them I would never be on a crime drama, so we are all good on that front. 

I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Your in Sexy Thang Miracles,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #7: I'm Not Scared of You, Gordon Ramsay Restaurant!

For today's Résumé Adventure, I am applying for a job as a Gordon Ramsay bar-wench at The Grove. For those Résumé Adventurers that don't know who Mister Ramsay is, um, he is basically this guy that has a bunch on Michelin Stars and a bunch of reality cooking shows where he is really mean to his employees. Not always, of course, but you know, enough for him to earn some street cred for being a meanie. If you don't know what the Grove is, just picture the fake old-timey town at Disneyland and then take away all of the fun rides and replace it with boring and expensive retail shops. The Ramimator's temper doesn't scare me one bit because there is a unicorn-mounted posse of seventh graders up in Altadena that got my back no matter what, so I think I will probably get this job just for being so brave. You can see the original job post on Craigslist, or you can read the excerpted text below. Always the stickler for accuracy, I have included the recruiter's original typos. You can view the résumé that I sent to the Rams-aurant on Moonbow's Résumé Page. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it because I don't have health insurance in the event that I get chef-whipped.

Flambé-style street fighting skillz (photo by geezaweezer via Flickr). 

The Job Posting 

"Bartenders for new Gordon Ramsay Restaurant (The Grove)

Date: 2012-05-21, 9:15AM PDT

Location: The Grove

Compensation: Compensation is dependent on experience.

New restaurant at The Grove by Gordon Ramsay and Andi Van Willigan is looking for a fantastic bartending team! This new high-volume concept will present elevated California comfort cuisine with a British flair. You will be making delicious cocktails made from fresh, local ingredients. You must be experienced in full-service, high-volume restaurants and have a true passion for hospitality and great service.

A track record of success is a must!"

My Cover Letter

Hey RamVaniGan Grove-aurant Recruiter,

Hey, whazz up? I was trolling around Craigslist, just cruising the job section and I saw your bartending  post. It was at this moment that an imaginary light bulb turned on near my forehead because I know that not many people will be applying for this job which means that OMG OMG OMG my chances of getting an interview for the position are quite high. Statistically speaking, those STATS RULE! 

First off, I'm gonna say please pass this message on to your boss: Yo, G-Ram! You get mad props for opening up a business and hiring employees because we seriously need more jobs in Los Angeles. The job market here just effing sucks so effing bad. Like srsly, it does. You should totally give yourself a high-five for that. HIGH FIVE!!!!! The part where you are all like talking about how the restaurant is going to be like new and high-volume and concept and like elevated California comfort and like cuisine and like British Flair-ized is truly like just going to Santa Monica (crazy, I know) which is really smart because a lot of peeps totally love Santa Monica but like nobody has the time to go all the way over there to get their SM on. Going to your Ram-man pub thing in the Grove would be like having a lil' mini Santa Monica vacation! SOOOO AWESOME!

Second off, I am going to address the reason that you will not be getting a high response rate for this job posting: The Ramster has some seriously bass-ass, mo-fo street cred. Everybody in the Internet knows that Ramsay will cut a bitch if he needs to. He would be all like "Hey, I don't like you. I'm famous which means I have a license to treat you like crap. I'm about to get Sweeny Todd on your ass." Then PARING KNIFE SLASH! KICK! SLAP! FORK STAB! FIGGY PUDDING TO THE FACE! DOUSE WITH ALCOHOL AND PROCEED TO FLAMBÉ! Yeah, just like that. Potential candidates are definitely gonna be worried that the Gordon-a-tron might hurt them because he's got that mean streak reputation that he self-justifies with his fame. But you know what? I am not afraid of the Ram-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong. Nope. Not me. I have ninja skillz. And street fighting skillz. And I got my head reinforced with steel just in case zombies try to eat my brains, but a cool perk of that surgery is that my reinforced brain-case means that it is imposssible for grouchy chefs to give me concussions. I never heard of Andi Van Willigan, but I'm gonna take an educated guess that she is like a henchwoman and stuff. That is totally aweome. Henchwomen rock! GRRRL POWRRR!

Yeah, so I am the ultimate-mega-best job candidate for your position because I am not scared of the Gor-Force. I don't have any bartending skillz, but since I have never had to attend any court-mandated alcohol-related 12-step programs, I should be fine. I won't sneak any sips of fancy liquors from you. Granted the tacky throngs of nouveau riche women that don't have any thing better to do with their time than shop at the prefabricated wonder-mound of bland shopping that is the Grove, um, yeah, they scare the Bee Gees out of me. But no worries! Over time I will develop the appropriate stealth combat skillz to defeat them if they challenge me to a duel. It will be like on-the-job training.

I have attached my résumé to this email for your admiration. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Hahahahahahahaha...LOL, I just rhymed. Admiration...consideration...get it? Haha. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you! 

Yours in the Ram-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #6: Appear in a Party Bus Promo Video for No Money

For today's résumé adventure, Résumé Adventure #6, I am going on a trip -- an imaginary trip where I imagine what it would be like to work on a party bus without monetary compensation for my time. I found the original "Appear in a Party Bus Promotional Video" job posting on Craigslist. The only requirements are few, but stringent: applicants MUST be a video-worthy hottie over the legal alcohol-consumption drinking age. I hope I get the job! I posted my cover letter below. Wish me lots of luck x infinity + 1 because this one is a good one, except for the part where there is no pay involved. I just know I can totally rock this party bus promotional video pioneer style, yo! My cover letter is below. Get drunk and have a regrettable one-night stand with my party-hardy résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

This is what it will look like when you get really drunk on a party bus (photo by rendallren via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"Party Bus Promotional Video (Hollywood)

Date: 2012-05-17, 1:03PM PDT

Location: Hollywood

Compensation: no pay

We need 25 attractive, enthusiastic women to be in our promotional video for our party bus and night club service. You will visit several Hollywood nightclubs while cruising aboard our party bus. You will enjoy the service for free. No compensation for this event.

MUST BE 21 OR OVER (A valid ID will be required the day of the shoot)

Please reply to this posting with a clear photo and which of the following dates you will be available:

Sat, May 19, 9pm -- 2:30am

Fri, May 25, 9pm -- 2:30am

Sat, May 26, 9pm -- 2:30am

Fri, June 1, 9pm -- 2:30am

Sat, June 2, 9pm -- 2:30am"

My Cover Letter

Dear Party Bus,

Rollin', rollin', rollin'...keep the party rollin'...keep those hotties movin', rawhideparybus! I want to be in your video. I think your party-bus business model is just so inspiring and intrepid. I would love to be a part of such a venture. What you have created is sort of like Little House on the Prairie, but instead of Michael Landon, you have a BUS! And not just any bus, a PAR-TAAYYYY BUS! You are like contemporary La-La Land pioneers, just a-roamin' and a-ramblin' the wild, trash-cluttered streets of Hollywood in a modern-day covered Conestoga wagon inhabited by a bartender and a DJ. Yee-Haw! I think it would be really awesome to work for you for five-and-a-half hours straight without pay.

There are three qualifications outlined in the job description, and let me tell you mister or missus fancy bus, today is your lucky day, because I meet ALL THREE job qualifications. Yup, that is right! All three. I am attractive, enthusiastic, and over the age of 21. But, wait...there is more! I am not only attractive, but I am 150 pounds of smokin' hot, adipose-blessed pounds that roll over my body when I dance like amber waves of grain, gently swaying in a good old-fashioned Americana, gentle gust of adult-onset acne. I am definitely enthusiastic, but you don't have to take my word for it. Here, let me demonstrate my enthusiasm about your party bus video job. OMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG PICK ME TO BE IN YOUR PARTY BUS VIDEO ENTHUSIASMENTHUSIASM WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOH. YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, I am well over the age of 21. Not only do I meet your age requirement, but I surpass it by ten years. Impressive, I know. What's that you say? You don't believe that I am a day over 21 because of my fun attitude and youthful looks? Well, you are wrong. I am 31 and I can prove it with valid government-issued photo identification documents.

At this time, I would like to further set myself apart from your other job applicants. I know that the wheels on your bus go round and round the cheesy Hollywood club scene. While certain high-quality individuals might be turned off by this element of So-Cal tackiness, I say, it is okay to be cheesy, because cheesy rhymes with sleazy and sleazy rhymes with hookin' up and everybody and their mama loves hookin' up. Plus, with all of those mobile STD testing vehicles that they have on Santa Monica and Sunset Boulevards now, hookin' up without worry is a breeze! Clearly, I have the right attitude to make your booze-cruise on tires a big success. Together we can redefine and reclaim the term "cheese-bus."

Thank-you so much for your time and consideration. I am most interested in riding the bus on all of the days you have listed, but I am a beacon of flexibility, especially if you put a few liquid ounces of Alize (any variety) in me. Yeah, so like any day that you choose is fine. I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Please feel free to contact me any time.

Cheers,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #5: MTV Reality Show Opportunity of a Lifetime

For Résumé Adventure #5, I'm going to try my luck with the most prestigious of all employers, MTV. More formally known amongst the academic set as Music Television, this audio-visual wonder of pubescent anti-smarts is offering a no pay "opportunity of a lifetime." You can view the original job posting from Craigslist or just read the copied text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's youthful use of excessive quotation marks and care-free lack of proper punctuation. I sent my low-concept résumé on to MTV on to the recruiter, but you can view it on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter is below.

Welcome to Torrance, CA (photo by HectorF via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"MTV reality show casting (torrance,ca)

Date: 2012-05-17, 12:27PM PDT

Location: torrance,ca

Compensation: no pay

Are you funnier than the "situation?" Do you have more gusto than "J Wow?" Do friends and family members constantly tell you that you should have your own show? This could be the opportunity of a lifetime for you. We are seeking people between the ages of 18-25 from the tri-state area that have what it takes to be a reality star. 

For open casting details, please submit your name, contact details and recent photo and a brief description about why you can be the next reality star to"

My Cover Letter

Dear Opportunity of a Lifetime Recruiter,

I would LOVE so freaking HARD to be on an MTV reality show because I would love to be famous for like doing stuff on TV or whatever. You know? I am six years too old, but it isn't like cool to be an age discriminator and you guys shouldn't do that. You would think that my 31 years of maturity would have left me with the common sense to know that MTV is the cultural equivalent of stepping in still-warm body temperature dog poop on a sidewalk, but no, I have not developed that sense yet. I am still awesome and youthful and sexy. Plus I can buy beer for the under-age cast members. You didn't mention it in the job description, but I TOTALLY ROCK at making duck lips. I am a duck lip expert that knows that duck lips are what all of the cool kids are into these days. Actually, I practice making them for hours each day just like the girls on Jersey Shore.

I am definitely funnier than "the situation." And I am waaaay funnier than the situations that MTV contrives for the sake of fake drama. Hahahahaha! I just made a rhyme. Double unicorn LOLz! Anyway, I know I would be funnier than the contrived situations that are on reality shows because they are not funny at all. Well, actually, they are funny in a sad, laughing-at-the-expense-of-pathetically-shameless people kind of way, but not funny as a comedic sort of way. I am sure you know what I mean because this cover letter has already made us simpatico now. Two minds in one cover letter, two souls in one résumé. Two and me baby, all the way.

I am awesome and perfect for your show because I would excel at sitting in a small room to recite scripted dialog that is supposed to look like really emotional real stuff even though it is not because my great grandmother used to lock me in small closets as punishment for not fetching her cigarettes fast enough, like all the time when I was a child, and when I was trapped in the closet I would make up stories about tender-hearted Conestoga wagon pioneers in the style of Her Most Luminous Majesty, Vanna White, which is basically the same premise as reality shows.

I don't really have any friends or family, but I do have lots of cats and they DEFINITELY AGREE that I should have my own show. I know that you are not going to offer me any compensation for any hard work or talent that I bring to your reality show, but since it is a FrEaKInG OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and because it is in OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG that beacon of high art and culture, TORRANCE, CA...I am down with not getting paid. I know that even that even though MTV is a multi-million dollar pop-culture venture and an industry leader, that not compensating people is just how MTV rolls. Booooyah! 

Thank-you so much for your time and consideration! I have attached my résumé and my semi-professional (minus the professional part) head shot to this email. I look forward to making fake stuff look real, but not really with you!

Yours in Cheap Broadcasting Options,

Moonbow Rollings

PS. Did you know that I am also a reality TV show expert? Well, it is true. I am! I can name tons of reality shows like Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Jersey Shore, Nick and Jessica, Survivor, Tommy Lee Goes to College, The Surreal Life, Big Brother, The Simple Life, Road Rules, The Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, Top Chef, America's Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Toddlers in Tiaras, American Idol, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Miami, Real Housewives of DC, Real Housewives of Israel, Real Housewives of Vancouver, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: London, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Miami, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Hawaii, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Sydney, The Real World: Denver, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Cancun, The Real World: Washington, DC, The Real World: Saint Thomas, and Live! With Regis and Kelly. 

Résumé Adventure #4: Raising Money for the Apocalypse

You know those annoying, collegiate-aged throngs of matching t-shirt clad, clipboard-waving kids that harass people to give them money and credit card information for charitable causes in front of the grocery store and other public places? Yeah...you do. Of course you do. We all do. Well, for Résumé Adventure #4, I am going to apply to be one of those folks, a street canvasser. I found a street canvasser job posting on Craigslist and you can view the original job posting or read the excerpted text below. I have honored the recruiter's typos and dramatic use of bold text, but omitted her last name to protect her privacy. You can view my resumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

This is what the Apocalypse will probably look like. Photo by mikelehen via Flickr.

The Job Posting

"FT/PT work for The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency! (Central L.A.)

Date: 2012-05-15, 10:00AM PDT

Location: Central L.A.

Compensation: Solid base pay and competitive bonuses - health benefits, 401K and paid time off

Join the Emergency Response Team- US Association for UN Refugee Agency

What is the most preternatural disaster?

In most recent history we had the earthquake on the island of Sumatra in 2010 leaving more than 1,000 people dead and several thousand more trapped underneath the rubble.

In 2008, the people of Myanmar were victims of Cyclone Nargis that killed 78,000 people and the same month the earthquake in Western China killed 67,000.

In January of 2010, the Haitian people suffered a severe earthquake in a country that already has so many challenges killing 22,000.

To sum it up, in 2010, 260,000 people died worldwide from natural disasters up from 15,000 in 2009. There are endless examples of things that happen for which there is nothing we can do. The storm hits, the damage is done and often this happens in the matter of hours before resources can be mobilized and NGO's, like UNHCR's Emergency Response Team, are rushing in to handle the emergency humanitarian crisis that was created by these natural disasters. This is the best, more reasonable response to these types of disasters. 

Now we get the question, what is the most preternatural disaster?

There are situations in the world today which we know about. We have been forewarned. We have time to act. We have the opportunity to raise funds, but sometimes, we do nothing. That is the biggest disaster of all. Most people want to help, but they do not know how. Start Today!

For these very same types of disasters above, we raise funds. For the people in Eastern Africa, we raise funds. For the 12 million stateless people around the world, we raise funds. For the war-torn people in Darfur, we raise funds. For the family in Iraq, we raise funds.

The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency is now hiring for our brand new fundraising teams in the Los Angeles Area. We are hiring Fundraisers and Team Leaders all with hourly wages or salaries, bonuses, family heath benefits, 401K, and PTO. We are hitting the streets hard in 2012 with out residential canvassing teams and our street teams. BE THE FIRST to apply.

So, the most Preternatural Disaster of all is doing NOTHING at all. Be the CHANGE! Apply today. 

Please send all resumes - Attention: Angela ---- "

My Cover Letter

Dear Angela,

Your job post sounds so grave! I guess the world was a big mess between 2008 and 2010. I am not sure why you don't use recent 2012 death toll statistics, but that does not matter to me because I know the biggest preternatural event ever -- THE APOCALYPSE -- is coming. It is true. I saw a documentary about the Mayan Calendar and how the world is going to end in 2012 because the calendar is going to end in 2012. We really, really need to prepare for the worst by raising funds. We here in the United States will probably be spared too much END-OF-THE-WORLD hardship, but industrializing countries will definitely be hard hit by God's wrath. It just isn't fair to ignore poorer countries even during the inevitable END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. I really like that your organization rushes in to help after a natural disaster strikes because rushing in before an unseen event would just be a waste of money. That is a mantra that I can definitely support and I would love to be a part of your fundraising street team. 

I do not have any experience in fundraising, but I have encountered tons of college age kids trying to get me to give them my credit card information outside of Trader Joe and Whole Foods. I never give those fundraisers the time of day, I despise them, and I really hate that I can't just take care of my shopping without being harassed. When fundraiser canvassers come to my door asking for money, I usually just crouch down low by the front door and bark and growl like I am a vicious guard dog until they leave. That said, I KNOW HOW THE AVERAGE ANTI-CANVASSER PERSON THINKS! I will certainly be able to use this knowledge to my advantage to make your organization and myself lots of money. For example, it doesn't matter how friendly the canvasser seems, I won't give them money. Their false offering of friendship just makes me distrust them. So what I would do is be really blunt with potential donors. I would be like "Hey, you! If you don't give us some money for people in Africa who might get KILLED IN AN EARTHQUAKE, I'm going to tell everybody that you hate poor people." That shaming will definitely do the trick. It is sort of like reverse psychology and stuff, you know?

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to ponder. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in APOCALYPTIC FEAR, 

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #3: Hot Hostess Needed for Millionaire's Luau

Despite decades of Cheeto and Flamin' Cheeto feasting, I am still a hottie. For Résumé Adventure #3, I am putting my good looks to the test and applying for a job as luau eye-candy at a millionaire's party. I found the original job posting on Craigslist, but I have put the text in this post too. You can see my sexy résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter to the luau recruiter is below. If you decide to go ahead and watch that ridiculous video, you do so at your own risk to your sense of taste and sensibility. Moonbow's Résumé Adventure assumes no responsibility to the affront to your eyes that PB Castle will surely cause.

Jello shots, by UCFFool via Flickr.

The Job Post

"Hot Hostesses Needed for Millionaire's Luau (Los Angeles)

Date: 2012-05-13, 9:17AM PDT

Location: Los Angeles

Compensation: $100

We are now hiring hostesses for the upcoming PB Millionaire's Luau party at the famous PB Castle! It will be held Saturday, June 16th, from 4 to 11PM. We are looking for friendly, outgoing people with good, positive energy. You will be greeting guests, serving jello shots, and just looking good for the cameras as this is also part of a reality show. You will also be wearing festive luau themed attire. The pay is $100. Email us a photo and your contact info.

Become our friend on facebook for more details: http://www.facebook.com./pbreality

To see what our parties are all about, click to play our video:"

My Cover Letter

Dear Luau Reality Show Recruiter, 

I am interested in your luau eye-candy position. I know that you really just want an emailed photo to see that I am indeed a hottie, but I thought that sending you a professional cover letter might increase my chances and set me apart from the anti-Mensa crowd that normally engages your attention. I see that even though the position is in the San Diego metro area, you have posted the job in the Los Angeles section of Craigslist. I guess you ran out of women with hot bodies down there. Or maybe you just don't have any pretty ones left because the women on your show clearly need some fancy makeup to pass. If that is the case, shame on you, because people can't help if their faces negatively reflect the ugly, cruel person that they are on the inside like walking Dorian Gray paintings with less than stellar faces. They shouldn't be judged for that! Or maybe you do have pretty and fit women down in San Diego, but you just can't seem to find one that is really good at pretending to be a mildly developmentally delayed modern-harem 'ho', televised pimp stable pony, popular culture reality show programming media skankatron. Well, if that is what you are looking for...I AM THE SKANKATRON FOR YOU! 

While I do not have experience attending parties or working in pre-fab mini castles, I can definitely fake it until I make it for the PB Millionaire. A little bit about me: I am five and a half feet tall. I weigh 150 booty-licious pounds. I wear a size 12. I am a natural beauty that does not need to brush her hair or her teeth to know that she is gorgeous. I wear old eye glasses that I found on a bus stop bench because it is just cheaper to wear found items rather than go to an optometrist. They are not my actual prescription, but whatever, they hide some of my wrinkles and adult acne for the camera.   

I do not drink alcohol, but I often have terrible allergies from my pride of house cats that require me to take shots of alcohol-laden Ny-Quil from that little measured plastic cup that comes with the bottle. I believe that my experience with alcohol containing, bright green medications from shot-sized vessels will carry over nicely in a generalized sort of way to jello shots. Also I am experienced at wearing costumes, oops, excuse me, I mean "luau themed attire." 

Furthermore, for this glorious, life-affirming chance to be on a reality show, I am willing to accept your minimum wage payment even though the PB Millionaire could clearly afford to pay me more because he is a millionaire with a freaking castle. I think that the travel expenses down to San Diego will probably eat up all of the minimum wages that you are offering, so I was wondering if you have a travel stipend because a travel stipend would be totally awesome and stuff. 

Anyway, I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you! Woooooooooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! 

Stay Classy,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #2: $8 Receptionist

I found a job posting on Craigslist for an $8 an hour receptionist position. Sounds pretty scrumptious! See below for the job posting text and my cover letter (I kept the recruiter's grammar errors in tact). Check out Moonbow's Résumé Page for my technicolor-hued résumé. I really hope I get this receptionist job. Wish me, Moonbow, lots of luck!

Photo by Renato Ganoza via Flickr.

The Job Post

"Receptionist Position Abvailable - INTERVIEWING TOMORROW (Hollywood)

Date: 2012-05-14, 9:44AM PDT

Location: Hollywood

Compensation: Starting pay is $8/ hour

We are a local office located in Hollywood looking to fill a full time and part time receptionist position.

The job involves answering incoming phone lines and scheduling applicants for interviews. We are looking for someone who gives an excellent first impression. Friendliness a must! The qualified applicant must also be 100% reliable and looks to go above and beyond the bare minimum. We require someone who has the proper demeanor and appearance for a business setting. Lastly, experience on the phone and with a computer is not necessary but a plus.

Our receptionist can take or make anywhere between 50 and 100 phone calls in a day and must be able to handle the multiple phone lines with patience and composure. There is also administrative work involved. 

Please submit resume via email and follow up with a phone call to (323) 203 1108 and leave a message stating your name and phone number."

My Cover Letter 

Dear Receptionist Seeker,

I am most interested in the receptionist position that you posted on craigslist. Phones have been a part of my life since the early 80s and I am quite skilled at dialing, answering, speaking into the receiver, and responding to ringing sounds that indicate that someone is trying to make contact. Your job posting states that you don't care about experience, just so long as the applicant is a hottie...well, let me tell you, I am quite a looker. I am also skilled at sitting at desks, being friendly, using computers, and using post-it notes to take hard-copy messages. I have to confess that I am not 100% reliable...I AM 156% RELIABLE. Hahahahahahaha...I got you there!!! You probably totally thought I was going to say that I am less than 100% reliable, but I didn't, lol! 

I realize that you want to get a really good, high quality employee to fill your receptionist position, and at a whooping $8 an hour, and I am sure you are going to get tons of candidates willing to go "above and beyond the bare minimum" (to use your eloquent qualifier) even though you are not willing to pay a wage that is even remotely above the bare minimum required by the law. But please, when you are culling through all those emailed résumés, please keep me, Moonbow Rollings, in mind because as you can see from the photo on my résumé, I am indeed a business setting kind of gal. I have attached my résumé to this email for you to peruse. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Post-It Notes,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #1: Casting for Prenatal Workout Video

Today I applied for a job on Craigslist as a prenatal workout video starlet. See below for the job posting text and my response. See Moonbow's Résumé Page to have a look-see at my Pulitzer-worthy résumé. I stayed true to the original job posting's typos and errors be copying them here. I hope I get the prenatal workout video girl job. Wish me luck!

Photo by one tiny spark via Flickr.

The Job Post

"Casting for PreNatal Workout Video (Los Angeles)
Date: 2012-05-14, 9:15AM PDT
Location: Los Angeles
Compensation: Pay for rehearsal and on-camera time.

Fitvid Productions LLC is looking for women who in this upcoming month of June will be in their 5th to 8th month of pregnancy ( 2nd to 3rd trimester) to participate in a workout dvd production. Dancers, athletes, personal trainers, fitness models, and women who exercise regularly are especially welcomed. Please, email your full body photo plus a professional resume or typewritten bio/profile to our company at fitprodcasting@aol.com. Production is being held in the Los Angeles area the week of June 11th. Non Union. Cast is paid for rehearsal and non-camera time. No nudity. No spoken role. Talent invited to audition must bring documentation of good health and have written physician's clearance. Fitvid Productions LLC. Cal Pozo, Producer/Director."

My Cover Letter

Dear Fitvid Prenatal Video Recruiter,

Okay, so here's the deal. I REALLY want to be in your prenatal workout video, but, at the moment, I'm not preggers. I mean, I love babies, but I don't want to let one live off of my bodily juices until it comes to fruition in my belly like in Alien, but that is another story for another cover letter, lol! Anyway, what I don't have in the way of the almighty baby bump, I definitely make up for with my gut. Call it a faux-fetus, if you will. Perhaps you could say that I am pregnant with chips and pizza. And tacos. Yes, I am pregnant with those items, not a baby. I don't have a "bun in the oven." I have it in my stomach. And it isn't actually a bun, it is a donut. My little immaculate-conception-by-snacks pot belly baby is often mistaken by strangers on the subway that offer me their seats, ask me when I'm due, and congratulate me on my soon-to-be-motherhood. So if my tummy can be mistaken by those seat-hungry folks that just want to rest their feet for a bit, then I am sure it will show up well on camera. Actually, my torso protuberance looks quite pronounced in spandex, which is sure to be a boon for a workout video. I am kinda surprised that you want to make a video considering that nobody uses VCRs anymore, but whatever, I'm just going to assume that you meant DVD. Also, since you don't know how to properly capitalize the letters of "prenatal," I am more than willing to work outside of the workout video starlet job description and help you fix that minor editing problem. I have attached my résumé and photo for your perusal. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Yours in Sweaty Spandex,

Moonbow Rollings