The Fan Mail
Dear Mrs. Rollings,
I just want to tell you that Mr. Jaworski's 7th grade English class is learning about the resume and cover letter writing. Mr. J. is using your blog as an Instructional Aide and tells us "this is what NOT to do" but we think you rule and hope you stay tru 2 yourself!!
FYI we hope you could come visit our class sometime before summer and debate Mr. J. on staying tru vs. him saying we need to tell the corporate world what they want to hear. Would you please please please?!? It would rule so hard and LOL he's kinda cute too. We think he might be getting separated or divorced soon cause he's not wearing his wedding ring the past few weeks. You can see the tan line for real.
Anyway, good luck no matter what happens. I can't send you an email cause I'm 14 etc etc so I hope you hit us back on this. We're at Eliot Middle School in Altadena which is pretty far from Long Beach but maybe we could all collect for some gas money and buy you lunch in Cafe Eliot. We have superstar fierce mac and cheese. YUM! Either way Stay Classy and bTru@U!!
Thank you for your thoughtful letter and yes, you are right, I do rule and stuff. You mentioned several points that I would like to address.
First of all, you should give mad props to your seventh grade selves for learning about résumé-writing. You are only 14 which means that if you play your report cards right, you could easily get a job as a child laborer in a downtown sweat shop. Employers love workers that they don't have to pay well and everybody knows that you can get kids to do your dirty work if you give them just like a dollar or whatever. Moonbow's Résumé Adventure has a tip for you and that is that you should play up that you failed a few grades! You need to highlight the fact that you are older, more experienced, and more mature than the the typical 12 year old, seventh grade, child labor, sweat shop job candidate.
Also, there is no reason that your English teacher should spend time teaching you about English literature because all the great writers are dead so they can't even be included on your professional references list. What-EV-rrrr Shakespeare. Come on people, am I right or am I right?
But on to more important matters!! Please tell your teacher, Mister Jaworski, that he better watch his back if he is going to dis' my blog, yo. Srsly, like for real...who the hell does he think he is. TONY DANZA?!?! He is just a jealous biotch that probably murders kittens and baby horses in his free time. I hate him. Please tell him that even though Moonbow is living large in the LBC, that she has a unicorn-mounted posse kickin' it in Altadena and that they know where he lives.
Um, I don't actually have a posse up in Altadena. Do you want to be my posse? All you have to do is like beat your teacher's ass for disrespecting Moonbow's Résumé Adventure. I will try to track down some unicorns for you, but that will probably take a while. So until them you can just tell your school peeps that your u-corns are serving time in prison for check fraud, but that they will be out and ready for combat any day pending parole.
I appreciate your mac 'n' cheese invite, kids, because yes I am pretty classy and that would rule so hard but unfortunately, I am going to have to decline your invitation. :-( Children, there is a dark side to unemployment that you are far too young to know about -- unemployment is not all fun and games. When you are unemployed you don't leave your house very much because you don't have a job go to or any money to spend on tiger tchotchkes. You are for all practical purposes, completely removed from the rest of civil society, which means that you have not built up an immunity to all of the crippling diseases that kids carry. After being jobless for like forever, stepping one foot inside of a junior high school would be a death sentence for me. :-0
That is it from me, your noble mentor. Good luck whoopin' Mr. Jaworski's ass!
Yours in U-corns,