Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Résumé Adventure #11: Pyramid Scheme

For Résumé Adventure #11, I am responding to a two-week old recruitment email from a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions district manager that somehow found my résumé online. You can read the email from Farmers Insurance below. I kept the original typos intact. My response follows. You can view the same résumé that the recruiter viewed on Moonbow's Résumé Page. I have changed the Farmers Insurance district manager's name to protect his privacy.

Camels are zero emission vehicles (photo by jaybergesen via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Juan Smith, and I manage a district office of Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions. I found your resume online, and I feel your background is a potential match for a position we have available. I currently have a need for a couple new Sales Agents within my district. 

If you are selected for a position within my district, I will help you capitalize on your strengths in a highly supportive and consultative environment. Many of our established advisors are producing well over a six-figure income; I feel this is a great opportunity for you to look into. We require candidates to have no felonies on record and no bankruptcies within the last 2.5 years, and at least 2 years of professional experience.

If you feel that you are interested in developing a new career with us, please send an e-mail to me and send me an updated version of your resume.

After reviewing your updated resume I will contact you directly.

Best Regards,
Juan Smith
District Manager

To learn more about this position, please go to our website."

My Cover Letter

Dear District Manager,

Thanks so much for sending me an email about your open sales position. I am not sure where you found my email. Hopefully you found it on your own through my blog and are just acting out of desperation because, seriously, I don't have any sales skillz. If you used some sort of bot to cruise Monster for you, well, I should inform you that it isn't working very well because I did not specify any interest in sales. None at all. I am more interested in street fighting and cats and stuff. But whatevs...I need a job. A "J" to the "O" to the "B." I suppose since you and I are both clearly not preoccupied with other stuff and because you claim I can make six figures, we might as well pursue this open stream of correspondence as far as it can go, right? Right.

So, six figures, eh? That is a lot of money and I like money a lot. How exactly does a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions Sales Agent bring in that kind of commission? Is it through some sort of pyramid scheme?  If so that would be AWESOME! I LOVE EGYPT! Did you know that the Great Pyramid was built by like aliens from outer space and stuff? And also that the aliens did chimera experiments on people in ancient Egypt and that is how they have so many pictures of half human half bird people on the walls of the pyramid and on pottery and stuff? Yeah, it is true. I saw it on History Channel. I watch a lot of TV since I have been unemployed for so many years. 

As per your email, the job requirements that you have for the Sales Agent position boil down to three skillzzzz. I think you will be supremely impressed with my skillzzzzzzzzz set, and if fact, I think that you may find that I am overqualified for the position. The first requirement that you mentioned is that I have no felonies on record. Well, let me tell you...actually you are going to be so blown away by this that you may want to sit down. Sit down. Hurry up. I am waiting for you to sit down. Ok. Are you sitting now? Good. So get this...I HAVE NO FELONIES EVER!!!!!! Nope none. Give me ten extra bonus points. I definitely meet that job requirement. The second is that I have no bankruptcies within the last two and a half years. I meet that condition as well because even though I am very broke, I have not filed for bankruptcy, because seriously, dude, filing for bankruptcy is really expensive and I can't afford the attorney fees. Not only have I avoided bankruptcy for the last two and a half years, I have avoided it for 31 years. Did you just gasp is awe? Hahahahahah, I sure bet you did. Wink. Wink. Lol. Finally, you require two years of professional experience. Um, yeah, I got that. I have been a professional-grade cat lady and unmarried housewife for way longer that two years. 

In addition to my rundown of your requirements, I would like to add that I have even more skillzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For example, have you noticed how I casually intergrate the letter "z" into emails to illustrate my coolness factor? Yeah, customers will totally dig that and will want to buy insurance from me just so that my coolness can rub off on them. Also, I am really helpful. Here, I will prove it to you by giving you a helpful tip for free: The grammar rule for writing numbers is that everything below and including the number ten must be written out as a word. Everything including and above the number 13 must be written out in digits. Eleven and twelve are flexible. It is okay to write them out as words or digits. So for example, when you wrote that you "require at least 2 years of professional experience" what you really should right there is "two years of professional experience." Yeah, you should probably fix that. You are welcome.

Thank you so much once again for your time and consideration. I have attached my résumé to this email. I look forward to hearing from you! :-)

Yours in Picking Scarabs,
Moonbow Rollings

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