Résumé Adventure #20: Job with Vague Promise of Potential Pay in the Future, Maybe

I have been M.I.A. from M.R.A. for quite a while. Let us just pretend that nothing when awry and get back on track with Résumé Adventure #20. For this Résumé Adventure, I am applying  to a position on Craigslist with Hollywood Leek. Their writing position offers no pay, but the potential to get paid in the future. Maybe. If I am lucky. But you, probably not. I have excerpted the job posting from Craigslist below. My cover letter follows. Be sure to look over my luckeriffic résumé on Moonbow's Résumé page.

It is not easy being leeky (photo by snickclunk via Flickr).

The Job Posting

Comedy Writer for HollywoodLeek.com (Hollywood)

Date: 2012-06-21, 3:47PM, PDT

Location: Hollywood

Compensation: No initial pay. Potential for Future Staff Position.

HollywoodLeek.com is an entertainment news satire service currently recruiting comedy writers to create satirical content. Along with articles, Hollywood Leek is developing a video component with a producing partner, including viral videos, fake trailers, and a daily news show. 

Hollywood Leek provides writers with immense visibility in the industry and nationwide. Writers will work alongside award winning comedians, produced screenwriters, Emmy-nominated TV writers, film producers and more. Huge potential for future salaried staff position. 

We would love to talk further about writing for Hollywood Leek! Please contact us to set up an interview. Thank you!

My Cover Letter

Dear Leek of Hollywood,

I am responding to your job post from the List that is Craig's. Did you rip-off the title of the mother of all modern short printed news satire, The Onion? I bet The Onion hates you for treading on their odoriferous vegetate-allium title + satire territory. Do you have a feud with them now? Please, please, please say YES. I hope so. And I hope it is long-standing and grueling. I personally adore a good feud. Feuding is the sole reason that I got into lone-warrior beatboxing and street fighting. I hate the ass-cheeky, self-satisfied, predictable attempts at humor that The Onion tries to pass off as readable. Sometimes if I am trying to get coffee from one of those public coffee dispensing establishments with free wireless fidelity, already seated window-hogging coffee-bitches will ask me if I have seen such-and-such article in The Onion blah-blah-blah because apparently social caffeine drinkers think it is just soooooo funny hahahahahahha. But, it isn't. The Onion just is not funny at all ever. Don't worry. I stay true to myself by sneering at their feeble attempts to engage me in that chat that is chit. I have made a vow to one day become a barista just so I can conceal my own spittle in the foam of their over-priced cappuccinos and then REVENGE WILL BE MINE. I hope you wipe the linoleum with The Onion so you can get some revenge too. Let's agree to think evil-y sort of thoughts about the The Onion while eating actual onions until our common enemy has been appropriately  subverted and dominated.

So, yeah, you should work with me because I am a good writer. Nah, I am a great writer. No. Scratch that. I am a fist-pumping, jacked-up-mega-unicorn-posse writer. It is true. You can ask the kids up in 'Dena. They know all about my unicorn posse. Do you know what makes me a great writer? Huh? Guess. Come on. Just guess, already. No, I am not telling you until you at least try to guess at why I am a great writer. Fine. Whatever. I'll tell you. Ready? Wait for it...I HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Two of them in fact. I can write with pens. I can write with pencils. I can write with crayons and colored pencils. And I can write with a keyboard. Or a stylus. Or even a touchscreen keyboard. Yeah...you read right...I can write it all, baby. I can write stuff while ice skating or eating snacks or listening to White Snake B-sides. I can even write stuff while I have the syndrome that is premenstrual. I bet you can't do that. I have definitely got some mad writing skillz, for real. 

Also, like wouldn't it be awesome it viral videos actually gave people viruses? Then you could totally use them for feuds. If that viral video dream ever came true, I would totally pretend to be friendly with my numerous and many and formidable enemies and I would be like "Hey, Ex-Enemy." And then they would be like "Hey, Moonbow. Please don't street fight us today." And then I would be like "No, I don't want want to fight. I want to be friends. Let us be friends. Here, check out this hilarious and adorable online video of a kitten snuggling with a baby panda bear that is snuggling with baby that is dressed up as a panda bear." And then my enemies would watch the video and before they could squeal "awwww, so cute," WHAM! They would have contracted varicella zoster virus. Maybe if you befriend me we could put a zoster virus on your website. That would be so AWESOME!

At this point, I bet you are like totally impressed with my feuding and writing skills. You should probably just hire me now. Oh wait, you won't hire me. Hahahahahhahahahhaha. LOL x infinity +1. I totally forgot about that part where you want people to work for you without compensation. Joke is on me, I suppose. HAHAHAHAhahahahahHAHAHAHha. You are indeed funny, my friend. Oh well, you do say that there is huge potential involved with your writing position. As an American, I do like me some huge. I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Just remember, Moonbow Luvs Yoo!

Yours in Power-Scallions,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #19: Beverly Hills Secretary!!!

For Résumé Adventure #19, I am applying to my dream job. 13 hour days, an illegal payment system, working for minimum wage in Beverly Hills so I can drool over those that have more (way more) than me. Yeah, that sounds just divine. You can read the original job post on Craigslist or read the excerpted part below. My emailed cover letter follows and my résumé can be found on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).

The Job Post

"2 Office Assistants/Secretary (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour

Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.

Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.

Hours are between 10AM-11PM

Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.

Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."

My Cover Letter

Dear Dream Job Recruiter,

I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary. 

First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits. 

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

There is no need to fear 

When Moonbow Rollings is near

Answering the Powowowowower Phones

In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit! 

Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!

Can you hold...my heart? 

JK LOL No I don't think so!

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode. 

You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers. 

You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!! 

I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you. 

As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!

The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits. 

I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Pee-Patties,

Moonbow Rollings

Stuff Moonbow Luvs: Double Full-On Rainbow Man

Being unemployed is hard work and I like to take it easy on the weekends. So instead of applying for jobs, I do other stuff like obsessively watch YouTube videos. Right now, I am totally enchanted by the Double Full-On Rainbow Man. I never thought I would ever encounter my awesome equal, but I have met my match in Double Full-On Rainbow Man. I have watched his video Yosemitebear Mountain Giant Double Rainbow 1-8-10 like a billion times already. I highly recommend that you do the same. I have posted it here for you to revel in its awesome power:

Moonbow luvs yoo, Double Full-On Rainbow Man

Stuff Moonbow Luvs: When Meow-Meows Wear Clothes!!!

I love dressing cats up in clothes. It just takes their sassifrass cuteness to a whole new level of extreme adorableness. That said, Cattire is the best website of all time ever and ever and even stretching into other dimensions the best.You should look at it all of the time. I know I do. LOL! =(^.^)=

OMG SO KYOOT (photo by RBerteig via Flickr).

Résumé Adventure #18: I Wanna be Willy Loman When I Grow Up!

For Résumé Adventure #18, I am taking a look southward towards that beacon of gleaming boredom and detached single family homes, San Diego! I am not having much luck up here in Long Beach finding any work, but maybe San Diego can scootch over a nudge and make room for Moonbow. This morning, a Craigslist job post beckons to me, calling out for me to leave my desk behind for the Willy Loman door-to-door sales path to enlightenment. You can read the excerpted job post and my cover letter below. You can bask in the glory of my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Door-to-door sales are the stuff of nightmares (photo by h3h via Flickr.)

The Job Post

"Are you Tired of Working at a Desk? (san diego)
Date: 2012-06-08, 8:49AM PDT
Location: san diego

Have you spent 8 hours a day or more sitting at a desk staring out the window wishing you were outside enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather?!
Many of our current employees say that this was them. What we are looking for is 5 energetic highly motivated individuals to help our marketing department.
This is the healthiest industry in the economy today. What we specialize in is energy efficient home improvements.
There are many companies in San Diego doing what we do.
However there isn't one out there that has 25 years in business or that generates anywhere near the 23 million in new sales volumes each year as we do.

If you are a people person, if you have a professional appearance and most importantly if your ready to make over 1500$ a week with no experience required than this is the job for you.
We offer paid training in a fun and exciting work environment.
Please don't spend you time behind a desk unhappy anymore making little money compared to the effort you put in.
We have the vehicle to change your life and promote a new career for yourself.
For immediate consideration please email your resume"

My Cover Letter

Dear Silicon City Recruiter,

I read your job post on Craigslist and I am interested in joining your sales team. Once I join, we can call ourselves the Sales Force Five and get coordinating but not matching uniforms with sleek utility belts. I am totally going to take San Diego by sales-storm. Sales Force Five will br organized ourselves like Charlie's Angels and we'll do cool ninja spy stuff with office supplies too. Maybe we'll make nun-chucks out of pencils and rubber bands. And we'll have secret code words too. I know we'll be a really good secret terminology team because I can already understand your code language. For example, I can tell that the beautiful sun-drenched job that you are describing in your post is actually a Willy Loman style door-to-door sales job in an over-saturated market. Ah-ah! You see! I TOTALLY get you and we haven't even met yet!!! Also, I totally dig the way you like practically beg people to apply for you job. Don't worry. It shows that you are a man or woman of the people and that you are not afraid to bow down to the awesomeness of my presence. 

In your job post you say that you are looking for people that are sick of being stuck at their desk jobs. Well, I don't actually have a desk job, but I do have a desk and I do sit at it all day long while I troll the Internet looking for cute pictures of cats dressed up in business suits. I guess it would be better to get out there in the world and make some money. Plus with all of that time out in the blaring hot Southern California sun, I should be able to overcome my vitamin D deficiency. That would be AWESOME! Honestly, if I did have a desk job, I would be super triple unicorn happy about just being employed and I would fight fang and claw to keep my comfy, cushy desk job. Who in their right mind would leave their ergonomically designed swiveling office seat to go stumbling around in the hot sun on foot all day doing door-to-door sales? I dunno. Not me. So, if you actually get people that already have comfortable jobs that want to leave their job to sell crap outside, you should flatly reject them because you know they must be crazy. WE CANNOT HAVE CRAZY PEOPLE OF SALES FORCE FIVE. That would be too risky and might compromise our mission. But since I don't have any job at all, desk or otherwise, and since I am like hyper-doubly-sane, I would be happy to join your door-to-door Sales Force Five

I definitely meet your oh-so-stringent job requirements: I definitely look professional as you can see from the photo background on my résumé and I definitely want to make $1,500 every week. I am not necessary the most energetic person, but I do know how to jack myself up on candy to make it appear as though I am naturally energized. I am not really much of a people person, but I am a cat person and God knows, that is like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better anyway. Cat ladies are natural sales women. And also, not only can I help you sell your product, but I can help you like, you know, edit all of the grammatical errors out of your future job posts because OMG OMG OMG, I've got mad GRAMMAR SKILLZ!

I have attached my résumé for you to behold, in all of its Microsoft-y glory. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Death-of-a-Salesman Street Style,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #17: Secret Shopper Scam!

For Résumé Adventure #17, I am responding to a clearly fraudulent email from a recruiter claiming that he works for a secret shopping service called Customer Perspectives. You can read the email below...I have excerpted the whole thing in its entirety, including tons of dead-give-away grammatical and structural errors that just scream not-too-bright scam artist. Between you and me...I know this job is a total fake and I am not going to get involved with this recruiter beyond sending in my sarcastic cover letter, which you can ch-ch-ch-check out below. I hope it teaches that scam-tard a lesson. I seem to get these sort of fake employment emails frequently, but this one is a little different because the sender seems to be impersonating a legitimate business. So after I send out my cover letter to this fake recruiter, I am going to call the real Customer Perspectives company up and let them know what is going on. Being unemployed gives me lots of time to fight crime and evil doers! You should read what the Better Business Bureau wrote about this scam.

You forget what shopping looks like when you have been unemployed for as long as I have. 

I think it looks like this (photo by epSos.de via Flickr). 

The Recruitment Email

"Hello,

Our company conducts surveys and evaluate other companies. We get hired to go to other peoples companies and act like customers in order to know how the staffs and personnel there handle company services in relation to their customers. Once we have a contract to do you would be directed to the company or outlet and you would be given the funds you need to do the job (either purchase things or require services) after which you would write a comment on the staffs activities and give a detailed record of your experience. Examples of details you would forward to us are;

1) How long it took you to get services.
2) Smartness of the attendant.
3) Customer service professionalism.
4) Sometimes you might be required to upset the attendant to see how they react to clients when they get tensed (under pressure).

'When performance is measured and reported, service improves. When performance is measured, reported and shared with employees, service accelerates.company representatives play in driving purchase intent. Most companies employ our assistance when people give complaints about their services or when they feel there is need for them to improve their service.

JOB DESCRIPTIONS?
1. Receive payment from a mystery shopper in form of certified check/money order
2. Cash and Deduct $250 which will be your salary.
3. Forward balance after deduction salary to a mystery shopper whose information will be provided in subsequents emails via an outlet you will be evaluating

DO YOU NEED TO PAY FOR THE TRANSFER FEE FROM YOUR PERCENTAGE?

No you do not have to; all necessary transfer fees should be deducted from the balance after you must have cashed and deduct your $250 from the total money Received after cashing.

ADVANTAGES

You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent
contractor right from your home / office.
Your job is absolutely legitimate.
You can earn up To 3000- 4000USD monthly depending on time you will
spend for this job.
You do not need any capital to start.
You can do the work easily without leaving or affecting your present
Job.The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers.Anyway our employees never leave us.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS,
18 years or older, Legally capable, Responsible, Ready to work 3-4 hours per week. With PC knowledge, E-mail and Internet experience (minimal)

Your identity would be kept confidential as the job states (secret shopper) you would be pain $250 for every survey you carry out bonus
on
Your transportation allowance and funds would be given to you if you have to dine as part of the duty.

Your job will be to evaluate and comment on customer service in a wide
variety of shops, stores, restaurant and services in your area. No
commitment is made on this job and you would have the flexible hours as it
suits you.

If you are interested do send in your:

(I)Your Full Name:
(II)Your Residential address:
City:
State:
Zip Code:
(III)Present work address:
(IV)Home and mobile Phone numbers:
(V)Email address:
(VI)Your age and Current Occupation:
(VII) Your Gender:

So we can look at your distance from the locations which you have to put your service into, and your address would also be needed for your payments. We also implore you to send a scanned copy of any form of identification for the processing of your application form and also for record purpose but if you cannot provide it presently then you can provide it later..

Are you a U.S. citizen or otherwise authorized to work in the U.S._______

PLEASE NOTE: ONLY INTERESTED APPLICANTS SHOULD RESPOND. AND CHECK YOUR EMAIL BACK FOR RESPONSE WITHINT 24  HOURS............

Regards,
Thanks.
Hiring Manager.
Thomaks tura
Customer Perspectives"

My Cover Letter

Dear Thomaks tura,

Thank you for sending me an email about your secret shopper job opportunity. Actually, scratch that. No thank-you. I wish you never sent me this job opportunity because it is clearly a BIG STUPID WTF SCAM. You really suck at putting together a believable recruitment email. Really, you do. Let me tell you how I knew your recruitment email was a scam-tard fake:

First of all, your spelling sucks, you don't structure anything consistently, you don't punctuate properly, and you don't use words or symbols that a fluent English speaker would use. You didn't even capitalize your own last name! You are clearly living somewhere over-seas and you obviously have a very poor concept of American vernacular. Or worse yet, you just think that all Americans are hopelessly dumb. Well, I certainly am not dumb and I find your lack of attention to detail annoying and insulting. For god's sake man, the website of the company that you are impersonating doesn't have the same sort of flawed language as your email. No legitimate company would ever let an email that was brimming with so many errors go out into the world as a representation of their work. I know ninja kittens who write better letters than you. 

Second, your email address name doesn't match the name that you sign-off with. Nor does your email address match that of the Customer Perspectives contacts. Company employees generally do not use gmail addresses for official business and if they do, they do not use the phrase "handsome1" as you have done. I would be a whole week's ration of Flaming Cheetos that you are not even handsome. Why do you have to turn me into a player hater like that? You make me player hate you.

Third, um, dude, seriously, anything involving the LAUNDERING OF CERTIFIED CHECKS is BLATANTLY CRIMINAL. WTF ARE YOU THINKING?

Fourth, in the United States, it is ILLEGAL to ask for the candidate's age in a job post or employment application. No legitimate company or recruiter would ever do that.

Fifth, the fact that you have to stress the legitimacy of your job opportunity and how wonderful it is means that you are over-compensating for the fact that it is indeed fake and total bullshit.

But, um, despite all of that, I am going to answer your ridiculous little survey anyway:

(I)Your Full Name: MOONBOW ROLLINGS
(II)Your Residential address: ROT IN A CHEETO-LESS HELL!
City: TAKE A LONG WALK OFF OF A SHORT PIER!
State: YOU SUCK COCKROACH BALLS!
Zip Code: I WILL NEVER HIGH FIVE YOU! NEVER!
(III)Present work address: WTF?!!!
(IV)Home and mobile Phone numbers: 555-GO-SCREW-YOURSELF
(V)Email address: UNICORNS HATE YOU!
(VI)Your age and Current Occupation: ADORABLE KITTENS HATE YOU!
(VII) Your Gender: MOONBOW HATES YOU!

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Yours in Cockroach Balls,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #16: Eight Hours of Daily Hell with La Canada Age-Discriminators

For Résumé Adventure #16, we are going to take a cover letter trip to the pristine streets of affluent La Canada, California. I found a job post on Craigslist from a family ageist douche-tubes that needs someone to deal with all of the unpleasant parts of life for them. I have excerpted the job post below. My cover letter follows. You can read the résumé that I sent this domestic dream-maker on Moonbow's Résumé Page. This is pretty far from Long Beach, but I hope I get it any way. Wish me lots of luck!

Srubstep goes hand in hand with beatboxing (photo by wrestlingentropy via Flickr). 

The Job Post

"full-time housekeeper (la canada)
Date: 2012-06-05, 12:59PM PDT
Location: la canada

We are looking for a full-time, female housekeeper, 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. Must have experience with a large house. Must drive. Duties include all housecleaning services: clean floors, windows, change beds, laundry, clean kitchen, etc... we need a reliable person who is great with children and is professional and organized. We would prefer someone under the age of 50. This is a long term employment opportunity. Please only respond if you are qualify. Thank You."

My Cover Letter

Dear Maid Seeker,

I am interested in the housekeeper position that you posted on Craigslist. You list several job requirements in your post and I believe that I meet them all.

First, you want someone that is female. Well, guess, what? Yup, you got it! I AM FEMALE. GIRLZ ROOL!!!! You gotta admit -- the best part about being a woman is that you get solicitations to clean other people's toilets. Like, srsly, who ever hear of a man cleaning up a house? God, I love being a woman. I am woman! Hear me scour!

Second, you want someone that drives. Well, I do. Okay, so I do have this little problem where ice cream truck jingles put me into a medically-verified trance that often results in me running my car off the road, but I can probably drive up in La Canada where you live because it is pretty fancy and affluent up there and you probably don't have any ice cream trucks randomly driving around like we do down here in the LBC.

Third, you are looking for someone with experience with a large house. I have a pretty big place of my own...600 square feet of rented heaven that I share with a huge pride of adorable house cats. I manage and clean my whole place on my own. I sweep, mop, clean up dust, scoop up sticky hairballs, scrub the toilet and litter box, cook, and do shopping all on my own. Not many people can say that they take care of their own house these days. I can totally do that for you. Cleaning is an art form. It is okay if you haven't mastered cleanliness and house hygiene in your own home yet. I will use my mop mastery to pull you out of the filth-laden pit that has become your life. So yeah, I've got that requirement covered! :-D

Fourth, you need someone that is great with kids. I am going to guess that since you even had to mention this, that your little ones are just total, inconsiderate self-entitled slobs that like to trash newly cleaned areas and just leave all of their toys and dirty laundry and half-eaten snacks laying all over the house for the maid to pick up. It is probably pretty hard to get someone who is willing to put up with that kind of abuse. Well, look no further because I AM YOUR VICTIM! YEAH! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! I have no qualms about dealing with children. In fact, kids should be minded by their housekeepers and not their own parents. I know this is true because nobody ever complains about the inadequacy of their housekeepers in therapy, just their parents. LOL! My philosophy about kids is that as long as they are not playing with matches or watching reality television, that they should just do whatever they want.

Fifth, you said that you prefer someone that is under the age of 50. Well, once again, that is me. I want to come and clean your house and watch your kids and run your errands for you sooooooo bad that I am not even going to report you for putting that illegal ageism age-discrimination bullshit in your job post. I mean, I love people of all ages, but if you hate people over the age of 50 so much that you won't even let them interview for your housekeeping job, well that is your business. Just because people over the age of 50 are capable of important things like governing countries, being judges, running large organizations, and other responsibility-laden stuff like that, does not in any way indicate that older workers are smart enough to clean the soap scum ring out of your bathtub.

Lastly, I would like to say that I think it would be awesome to land your long-term employment job. Since it is long term, I bet you offer benefits like health care, paid time off, and sick leave. I know you didn't mention those things in your post, but you know, I bet you offer those basic work benefits. Right? Ok, who am I kidding? You probably were not planning on giving your future employee any of those things. But, after you meet me, I know you are going to want to hook me up with that stuff. Why, you ask? Because not only do I meet all of the requirements of your job listing, but I also have more skillz. For example, I have MAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ! I can defend you and your family in the event of a spontaneous smack down challenge. Also, I know how to beatbox, so if your electricity ever goes out and you can't put the kids in front of the television to keep them out of your way, I can entertain them with my musical stylings. If you are a single parent and need to hire someone to fill that labor need, I am clearly just the sort of protective and entertaining lioness that you are looking for. Finally, I am all about attention to detail which is an excellent quality in any employee. For example, I noticed every single one of your job post typos! All nine of them.

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to gaze intently at. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours in Yellow Rubber Gloves,
Moonbow Rollings

Second Update on Résumé Adventure #15: OMG, You're Kidding Me, Right?

Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, but I am not Sure How is the adventure that just keeps on giving. After sending in my résumé and cover letter to their recruiter, I have received two responses. The first response just said something about being on a wait list. I did not respond to that one. On the surface, the second one looks like it might be legitimate because it seems to take my cover letter response into consideration, gives a company name (Emalex), and has a job description; but, ultimately must be bullshit. The email doesn't give the recruiter's name, has a yahoo email address -- not a professional one, and gives a job description that is describing a very unlikely job scenario. You can read the recruiter's email and my response below. The recruiter's email had a link in it to Walmart. I didn't include it because I don't like Walmart.

Check fraud is no laughing matter, so I picked out this boring check picture.

 Are you laughing? No, neither am I (photo by comedy_nose via Flickr).

Another Email from the Emalex Recruiter

"Hello,

Payment Dispatcher/Book Keeper

Your job description includes sending payments out on our behalf to individuals who have indicated interest in selling their Antique products. 

After we have evaluated and discussed the pricing with the individual, you will be sent the details, so you print the check and mail it out to the individual.

These are regular payroll checks for our employees

This job offer would require you to get this package below in the link.
1. CHECK CREATION SOFTWARE AND 500 BUSINESS BLANK PAPER CHECKS


The package includes Bank compliant check printer and blank check paper, plus all you will need to make the payment and send it out.
You will receive a salary of $700 every Month and you are to paid fully with the amount you spend to purchase supplies, so your first salary would be $800 plus money for supplies.

We will provide you with our Affiliates Bank account details and FedEx/ UPS account
This jobs is quite flexible but requires your time when there is job to be done.
Payment dispatching occurs only Once weekly, so just a few hours of your day is needed for a week's job pay and you can choose a day which you are less busy so we can work on that day so as not to interruprt your normal schedules.

Kindly get back to me if interested in any of the above, so we can start up and i get you enrolled and update you with further details.

Regards."

My Second Response

Dear Emalex,

Wow...are you kidding me? Did you totally miss the overt sarcasm of my last email to you? Do you really think that I am going to go out and send out fake checks that I print at home with money drawn from suspicious-sounding bank account of your supposed affiliates? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND? WELL, ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?! I am about as likely to join your crime ring as I am to hook up...and as everyone knows, hookin' up is not my strong suit. My beauty just totally intimidates all guys. You probably don't know what it is like to be so desired that nobody wants to be around you because they are afraid of your awesome gorgeousnessosity because you are too busy trying to mastermind pathetic, unsuccessful crimes from your home computer. 

Honestly, the part where you just seem desperate to give me, Moonbow, a total stranger, access to any bank account is completely suspicious. Nobody in their right mind would do that, that is of course, unless they were up to no good lying, cheating, stealing, pooping on flower-beds, murdering unicorns and kittens, and other general fraud and evil stuff. You are a blatantly stupid criminal mind. There will never be a cool TV sitcom that is based on your true crime story because you are LAME-O. Your email looks so fake that it makes me hate you. You better not email me again because I am bored of this repetitive email exchange. You and I both must know by now that it is a big waste of our time. You are no longer entertaining to me and worst of all, you don't even have a freakin' job to offer me and you damn well know it. If I knew where you were I would come and kick your ass with my AaWwEeSsOoMmEe STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ!!!!! I would be like KICK! THWACK! CHOP! WHIZ! BOP! And you would run away. But since I don't, I will just call the police on your pathetic attempt at criminal action if you ever contact me again. 

I am sorry your life sucks so bad that you have to resort to this sort of petty crime. But that is NO EXCUSE because mine sucks too and I don't try to do this sort of thing. If in the unlikely event that this is a real job, in the amount of time that you spend sending these ridiculous emails out to God only knows how many people, you could be doing this check thing yourself. 

You Better Behave Yourself or Else,

Moonbow Rollings

Update on Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, but I am not Sure How

I got a near-immediate response from the no-name mystery recruiter from Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, but I am not Sure How. Unfortunately, the response was bot-generated and not very promising. It contains an ominous looking link and some other obvious bullshit. You can read the response, minus the evil link below. On well...better luck for Moonbow next time. :-(

The Recruiter-Bot's Response

"Hello Moonbow Rollings,

Your message 'Re: PAYMENT DISPATCHER/BOOK KEEPER' to me

was waitlisted.

Get your message to my inbox by clicking the following link.

Thank you,

P.S. ...you'll only have to do this once. Future email will appear immediately in my inbox."

Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, But I Am Not Sure How

Résumé Adventure #15 is a mystery. I don't know what company sent this recruitment email to me. Nor do I know the recruiter's name because they didn't include one in their sign-off. I also don't know where they got my email. It might have been from Monster or Craigslist or from this blog or maybe a vision of Moonbow's Résumé Page came to them during a dream. Either way, I don't really think the recruiter knows very much about me, but they seem to think that I am a good candidate for the job, just so long as I have a printer. Because the email sender just left out so much pertinent information about who they are, I am sure that they are trying to scam me, but I am just not sure how. Jeez, where is Angela Lansbury when you need her?!?!?! Whatever...I am not too proud to throw away a job lead, however disappointing it may be. The truth is that I need to find a job ay-sap because I need medical-grade laser treatments to get rid of the now-permanent neon orange colored stains that have marred my fingertips from my unwitting over consumption of that most delicious puffed snack food, Cheetos. People are starting to think I have radioactive jaundice symptoms. You can read the secret recruiter's email below. I have kept their flagrant display of their inability to properly capitalize letters in tact for your viewing sympathy. As usual, my cover letter follows.

Cats like it when printers go "purr" and printers like it when cats go "purr" (photo by Mary-Lynn via Flickr).

The Job Post

"Hello  

PAYMENT DISPATCHER/BOOK KEEPER NEEDED

Looking for someone to help with book keeping. you are going to need a printer for this,if  your are interested please kindly get back to me  and get paid $700 Per month doing so, and it is on a part time bases too so you need not worry about time. You get to do this  once in a week.  

What is your location and what do you do for a living?  

Do you have a printer and what type of printer do you have?  

What you do is simple,you help printout and send payments out,all infos you will need will be provided.get back to me via email. 

Regards"

My Cover Letter

Dear Invisi-Cruiter,

Thank you so much for taking the time to email me about your open job position. It seems as though your only job requirement is that I have a printer. Well, you are in luck. Are you ready for this? I DO HAVE A PRINTER! BAM! I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? And I have MAD PRINTER SKILLZ!!! I know how to load paper, remove paper, push "ctrl + p" at the same time, plug the printer in to the wall outlet, and even push the printer's power-on button. I, Moonbow, am to small home printers what circus lion tamers are to fierce lions. Oh, yeah, I am a FREAKIN' PRINTER MASTER, BABY. Uh-huh. Yes, I am. 

You did not tell me your name or even who you work for, but you know, I guess that just means that we are such close friends that we don't even need to use names. Like you know when you call up your bestie and you just say "hey, its me" and they know that it is you? Yeah, that is how you and I are. We are tight like that. Already. After only a single email. 

So since we are such good friends, I am going to be brutally honest with you. I am concerned because it seems to me, that despite of or even in spite of my kick-ass printer skillz, you don't seem to be interested in me at all anymore!!! After all you and I have been through together, all you care about is my printer!!! All you ever talk about is printer this and printer that tell me about your printer blah blah blah. What gives? Are you ditching me for my printer? It isn't even that attractive!!! If you had seen my printer before I decorated it will all of those scratch-and-sniff stickers, you would not be impressed with its bland ecru exterior. You don't love me any more. You don't even like me! You and my printer must be fooling around behind my back. Well, I see how it is...screw you! You just wait until that printer starts messing up all of your minor print jobs with crumpled, jammed paper feeds and weakened black ink. Then who are you going to turn to when that happens, huh? You sure as hell won't be able to turn to the printer to fix itself because it doesn't have opposable thumbs!!! 

Whatever. I have attached my résumé to this email for your consideration. I doubt I will hear from you ever again because you only care about my stupid printer and not about me or the fragility of my feelings. You probably just want to funnel credit card payments to you through me from stolen credit cards that you stole yourself. You just want to use me. 

IF YOU PRICK ME DO I NOT BLEED?!!!

Yours in Rage and Jealousy,

Moonbow Rollings

May 2012 Résumé Adventure Progress Statistics Looking Up, But Not Looking Good

These calculators are locked up and quarantined 20 stories below the surface of earth because 

they are contaminated with a deadly space alien bacteria (photo by Steve Parker via Flickr). 

For those of you that have been following my Résumé Adventures, you know that I actually have a degree in sociology. And for those of you that know what sociology is, you know that sociology peeps learn how to track data statistically. I though it would be a good idea to keep track of my employment progress, so here are my Résumé Adventure stats for the May (13 seems to be my lucky number):

Résumé Adventure Stats for May 2012

Total Number of Résumé Adventures for the Month of May 2012: 13

Total Number of Résumé Adventures for All Time Ever: 13

Total Number of Résumés Sent by Moonbow: 13

Total Number of Recruiter Responses: 2

Percentage of Recruiter Response Rate: 15.384615384615385

Number of Interviews: 0

Number of Job Offers: 0

Moonbow's Fractional Degree of Disappointment: 99/100

Résumé Adventure #14: Babysitting French Teenagers for $7 a Day!

For Résumé Adventure #14, I applied for a job with a SERIOUS PAYLOAD: A babysitting gig that pays $7 A DAY. Wow. That is soooo much money. You better not try to steal this gig from me or I won't share my résumé adventures with you any more. I have copied the job posting content including the author's typos below, but you can find the original job post on Craiglist. My cover letter follows. You can view my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. Wish me luck! I think I have an SUPER OMG LOL MOST EXCELLENT CHANCE of landing this job!

Windsurfing is totally obscene (photo by Bob n Renee via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"Please Help $$ Host a French Teen $$ (SoCal)

Date: 2012-06-01, 10:42AM PDT

Location: SoCal

Compensation: $150-$200 (depending on length of stay (3 or 4 weeks)

HELP!!! I have only 5 more teens from France flying on to the San Diego airport (SAN) throughout the summer for 3-4 weeks. They deserpately need host families. If you have more than one person living in the home, have an extra bed and are willing to open our heart and home to one of the students below, PLEASE contact me. You must pass a background check. WE DO COMPENSATE OUR HOST FAMILIES $50/week. The students come with their own money for activities and souvenirs.

You can contact me directly or respond to this posting!

Felix is 17 and he will arrive July 6 and depart August 2 ($200 stipend). He enjoys water sports, tennis, bicycling, movies, and swimming. He also plays the clarinet. He says 'I want to know more about American way of life and the California Culture.'

Jean-Charles is 16 and he will arrive July 8 and depart July 29 ($150 stipend). He enjoys tennis, golf, running, camping, cooking, shopping, climbing and windsurfing. He says, 'I love the USA to meet peoples and to discover a new country.'

Romain is 14 and he will arrive July 10 and depart July 31 ($150 stipend). He enjoys sailing, water sports, bicycling, computers, videogames, movies, swimming and plays chess. He says 'I like the way of thinking in the West Coast.'

Louis is 16 and he will arrive July 11 and depart August 1 ($150 stipend). He enjoys basketball, tennis, swimming, water sports, movies, reading and music. He says 'I'm an easy person, open minded and curious.'

Diane is 16 and will arrive July 23 and depart August 20 ($200 stipend). She enjoys bicycling, horseback riding, dancing, movies, reading, music, museums and she plays the violin. She says, 'I want to discover a new country and meet new people.' "

My Cover Letter,

Dear International Liaison,

I am responding your Craigslist job post. I am interested in helping you out of your desperate situation. Your circumstances with these French kids must be positively dire for you to digitally declare "HELP!!!" I mean God only knows what will happen if you don't find practically free vacation residences for these five teenagers. The poor dears certainly deserve a free stay in America...being European is just so hard. Maybe they are the next generation teen super heroes and they have an important earth-saving mission to accomplish that requires them to be stateside for a few weeks. Maybe the world will end if these kids don't make it to Southern California. Maybe God will make a mega earthquake that will rip through the San Andreas fault, killing almost everybody, while simultaneously disturbing a long-forgotten dormant plague that is waiting under the surface of out planet's crust to kill almost everybody else...if these five French kids don't get to come party in Southern California. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH OMG OMG OMG OMG SPOOOOOOOOOKY! Seriously, it could happen. You know it. And I know it.

I sat down and did the math and it appears that you are paying a whopping $7 a day. Awesome! Those $$$ dollar signs that you stuck in the post heading really go a long way in describing the big bucks that someone can make as your babysitter. I am truly surprised that you are having trouble finding hosts that are willing provide round-the-clock food, shelter, utilities, laundry, security, and supervision for a growing, probably ravenous, hormonally-charged teenager...all for seven whole big ones a day! I think that the cost of food alone will probably be more than that, but if you pick me to be host, I am just going to keep tabs on the your little jet setter and cut the kid off after they meet a preset-by-me $5 ration of life sustaining stuff. That way I will make a $2 profit on this international collaboration. I believe that I meet your requirements because I live with several others...18 house cats (all of whom have babysitting experience). I also have a spare air mattress that I can blow up and throw in my hallway for your burgeoning little tourist.

My only caveat is that I am only willing to take on Diana because seriously, water sports are effing disgusting and I am not willing to put up with a teenager that is into that nasty stuff in my own house. So yeah, Felix, Romain, and Louis are out of the question. And frankly, windsurfing is just repulsive and I don't associate with windsurfers. Sorry Jean-Charles!

I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours in Mayonnaise and Wine,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #13: Partner with Paul, Get Rich, and Hook Up!

For Résumé Adventure #13, I posted my résumé in the Craigslist résumé section. Soon after, I received an email solicitation from a recruiter that works for Partner for Paul. What the hell is Partner with Paul, you say? I don't know. Never heard of it. The recruiter's email was short, but contained a link to a sales pitch that dragged on pointlessly for so long that I had to take a tinkle break just to get through the tawdry thing. I have posted the recruiter's email, complete with authentic typos below, but have changed her name so she can't sue me for slander. Lawsuits are a luxury that I just can't afford until I am employed again. I have also excerpted parts of the web page that she recommended. You can view the whole, long, drawn-out thing using the link I provided. My thoughtful response follows.

This is how you become a Partner with Paul millionaire (photo by ishane via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Hi,

Nice writing to you, a few minutes ago I read your post on craigslist and it attracted me, right now I have some work need you if you have time,

for the details please read

partnerwithpaul which I post with descriptions

If you have any questions feel free to shoot me an email.

Regards,

Boogerina Mountain"

My Cover Letter

Dear Boogerina Mountain,

Thank-you so much for responding to my post on Craigslist. You decision to contact me clearly shows that you have an eye for quality. I knew that giving my post the title "I Got Skillz. Hire Me. Now." followed up by a blatant typo would serve me well as the key to my future as a career girl. 

So, um, yeah, I followed that link you sent me. It starts off by promising that you can show me how to make a quick $500 to $5,000 a month. And that some kindly rich white dude named Paul that likes to take his family to the beach in matching outfits is going to tell me how. I saw that Paul photo and I was like...OMG! If I could be Paul's partner, I could buy my very own family and take them to my very own beach and we could wear matching clothes too! So I kept on reading. And reading. And reading. And I continued to hold out hope that Paul would throw down a job description somewhere. I just kinda sorta figured that since I posted in the résumé/jobs wanted section that you must be emailing me about an actual job. But no, apparently not.

So anyway, I read though the fake charts and graphs that you offer up as proof of your legitimacy. And then I read through the tedious blathering about how Paul is an awesome dude and not just some guy that preys on poor unsuspecting unemployed and under-employed folks just trying to get out of debt. And then I read through a bunch of hyped-up bullshit shtick that is ironically supposed to demonstrate that Paul is a no-hype and no bullshit kind of practical business man that just likes to help people. Um, yeah, I didn't quite get that part. But whatever...if irony is what gets the almighty Paul off, to each his own. At this point I probably would have just given up, but then I read "we will LITERALLY hold your hand if necessary" and I was like, OMG, JACKPOT! I know that holding hands leads to hookin' up and I am all about that. Yeah, you know what I am talking about! 

So, re-invigorated with hand-holding hope, I read your steps to success where you claim with no skills or experience or free time, that I too, can become like really rich and stuff. I would sum the steps up like this:

Step One: Join the Partner with Paul website.

Step Two:  Go to a secret website that tells you how to make money from home without a real job.

Step Three: Make a bunch of money. 

Step Four: Join Paul's mysterious inner circle. Oooooooh. That sounds exclusive. I bet Paul will want to hold MY HAND. 

I told my cats all about this wonderful opportunity that you are offering me and they said "Meow meow merrrrrow meeeeiaow meowmeoweyoweyoweyow" which translates as "Um, Moonbow, we think this is a waste of time scam, you better investigate this." So I took their advice and I googled "Partner with Paul + scam" and learned that all y'all want to do is make me buy a $40 Herbal Life sales kit and that you are a big scam-a-rama-thon. So like it that true, Ms. Mountain? Are you an Herbal Life scam? Because if you are, I am not interested. Herbal Life if sooooo ghetto. It is like ghetto Mary Kay and you don't even get a pink car. 

Yours in Hand-Holding,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #12: Off-Shore Scammer with a Half-Rate Pyramid Scheme

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow times five!!! Today's Résumé Adventure is a mega-doozy. I received an email from a recruiter named EdwinBob007. I am not sure where he got my email address, but apparently he wants to hire me without ever meeting me or seeing my résumé. I mean, yes, I am Moonbow and I am FrEaKiN' AWESOME and employers should hire me on the spot, but this lecherous email is just a tad suspect. Okay, actually, it is tremendously suspect. He apparently needs a personal assistant to steal shit for him from heaven only knows who. You can read EdwinBob007's recruitment email in all of its poorly written, poorly spaced, poorly spelled glory below. My response follows.

This is how you should dress if you are going to rob someone. This is also how you should dress

if you are going on a blind date (photo by Ski Mask Kid via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"I need a (PA) Personal Assistant. I'm looking for someone that can be trusted and reliable to work very well and good understanding person. This position is home-based and flexible, working with me is basically about instructions and following them, my only fear is that I may come at you imprompt sometimes, so I need someone who can be able to meet up with my irregular timings. As my assistant, your activities amongst other things will include 

I received your application,I'm sure you'll understand I tend to have a very busy schedule at this point. Please note that this position is not office based for now because of my frequent travels and tight schedules, it's part-time, work from home basis and the  flexibility means that there will be busier weeks than others, so it's a little difficult judging the exact number of hours you'll be doing per week.If you can manage your time properly, this job may even give you some extra while you do something else on the side for now.

As I have said, I'd want us to get a head start with things as soon as possible. I do have a pile up of work and a number of unattended chores which you can immediately assist me with, I hope we can meet up with the workload eventually. Permit me to use this week to test your efficiency and diligence towards all this, also to work out your time schedule and fit it to mine. I really need to find the perfect person for this job, I'm confident you can take up the challenge and on the long run we should have a relatively sound working relationship between us.

I'm glad you are willing to work with me and i promise to be a good boss.I am also glad on the commitment in working. I have been checking my files and what i would want you to do for me this week is to do shopping for office equipment/printing materials for my new office thats am setting up soon  .A check will be mail to you from a Client this week  , the money is needed to get some Tools need for my new office. and maind you i will meet with you in the nest 8days,   so you dont have to worry your self on how we are to meet okay.

So the payment you are receiving is for my Client and the Money is Needed to furnish my New Office  .  the Money is needed to get some Equipments and tools into the Office  .

So once you received the Check all needed of you to do is for you to deduct your $400 weekly Pay from it and i will send you the rest of what to shop   and send the remaining money to the Manager to arrange those Tools inside the Office  .  I want you to email me back soon as you received this message for me to be rest assure you are still with

me  .

I await your mail.."

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister EdwinBob007,

Thank you so much for sending me a job offer + recruitment letter all wrapped up in one seedy email. I love your two-for-one style. But seriously, EdwinBob007, who do you think you are kidding? My name is MOONBOW, not FALLS-FOR-RETARDED-SCAMS-BOW!!! 

When I started reading your email, I felt sorry for you. You really struggle to command the English language and I figured that you must be a hard working immigrant just trying to make the American Dream a reality. I initially though that I could help you with your correspondence, and through the miracle of proper grammar, I could help your mystery business flourish a whole bunch if I could just make you look more competent via email.

But as I read on, I realized, nah, you are just some off-shore scammer trying to get other people to steal for you through some half-rate pyramid scheme, probably some check and credit card fraud bullshit. I mean the part where you stress how absolutely busy you are with your traveling and working, followed by the long and barely comprehensible email is a dead give away. Not to mention the convoluted way you explain how you are going to pay me.

Look, on one hand, I feel your pain. If you are in a situation that is so bad that you have to resort to petty electronic theft to make ends meet, that is tough. Really tough. But on the other hand, yo, dude, like why would you want to pull other innocent people into your measly crime ring? If you were in Long Beach, I would kick your butt with my RAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ for trying to pull one over on me like that. Um, yeah, seriously, I would do that.

This is not an LOL matter, Mr. EdwinBob007. I am calling the cops on you if you ever send me an email ever again. 

Fuck Off,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #11: Pyramid Scheme

For Résumé Adventure #11, I am responding to a two-week old recruitment email from a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions district manager that somehow found my résumé online. You can read the email from Farmers Insurance below. I kept the original typos intact. My response follows. You can view the same résumé that the recruiter viewed on Moonbow's Résumé Page. I have changed the Farmers Insurance district manager's name to protect his privacy.

Camels are zero emission vehicles (photo by jaybergesen via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Juan Smith, and I manage a district office of Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions. I found your resume online, and I feel your background is a potential match for a position we have available. I currently have a need for a couple new Sales Agents within my district. 

If you are selected for a position within my district, I will help you capitalize on your strengths in a highly supportive and consultative environment. Many of our established advisors are producing well over a six-figure income; I feel this is a great opportunity for you to look into. We require candidates to have no felonies on record and no bankruptcies within the last 2.5 years, and at least 2 years of professional experience.

If you feel that you are interested in developing a new career with us, please send an e-mail to me and send me an updated version of your resume.

After reviewing your updated resume I will contact you directly.

Best Regards,

Juan Smith

District Manager

To learn more about this position, please go to our website."

My Cover Letter

Dear District Manager,

Thanks so much for sending me an email about your open sales position. I am not sure where you found my email. Hopefully you found it on your own through my blog and are just acting out of desperation because, seriously, I don't have any sales skillz. If you used some sort of bot to cruise Monster for you, well, I should inform you that it isn't working very well because I did not specify any interest in sales. None at all. I am more interested in street fighting and cats and stuff. But whatevs...I need a job. A "J" to the "O" to the "B." I suppose since you and I are both clearly not preoccupied with other stuff and because you claim I can make six figures, we might as well pursue this open stream of correspondence as far as it can go, right? Right.

So, six figures, eh? That is a lot of money and I like money a lot. How exactly does a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions Sales Agent bring in that kind of commission? Is it through some sort of pyramid scheme?  If so that would be AWESOME! I LOVE EGYPT! Did you know that the Great Pyramid was built by like aliens from outer space and stuff? And also that the aliens did chimera experiments on people in ancient Egypt and that is how they have so many pictures of half human half bird people on the walls of the pyramid and on pottery and stuff? Yeah, it is true. I saw it on History Channel. I watch a lot of TV since I have been unemployed for so many years. 

As per your email, the job requirements that you have for the Sales Agent position boil down to three skillzzzz. I think you will be supremely impressed with my skillzzzzzzzzz set, and if fact, I think that you may find that I am overqualified for the position. The first requirement that you mentioned is that I have no felonies on record. Well, let me tell you...actually you are going to be so blown away by this that you may want to sit down. Sit down. Hurry up. I am waiting for you to sit down. Ok. Are you sitting now? Good. So get this...I HAVE NO FELONIES EVER!!!!!! Nope none. Give me ten extra bonus points. I definitely meet that job requirement. The second is that I have no bankruptcies within the last two and a half years. I meet that condition as well because even though I am very broke, I have not filed for bankruptcy, because seriously, dude, filing for bankruptcy is really expensive and I can't afford the attorney fees. Not only have I avoided bankruptcy for the last two and a half years, I have avoided it for 31 years. Did you just gasp is awe? Hahahahahah, I sure bet you did. Wink. Wink. Lol. Finally, you require two years of professional experience. Um, yeah, I got that. I have been a professional-grade cat lady and unmarried housewife for way longer that two years. 

In addition to my rundown of your requirements, I would like to add that I have even more skillzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For example, have you noticed how I casually intergrate the letter "z" into emails to illustrate my coolness factor? Yeah, customers will totally dig that and will want to buy insurance from me just so that my coolness can rub off on them. Also, I am really helpful. Here, I will prove it to you by giving you a helpful tip for free: The grammar rule for writing numbers is that everything below and including the number ten must be written out as a word. Everything including and above the number 13 must be written out in digits. Eleven and twelve are flexible. It is okay to write them out as words or digits. So for example, when you wrote that you "require at least 2 years of professional experience" what you really should right there is "two years of professional experience." Yeah, you should probably fix that. You are welcome.

Thank you so much once again for your time and consideration. I have attached my résumé to this email. I look forward to hearing from you! :-)

Yours in Picking Scarabs,

Moonbow Rollings

Good God, Bless this Blog

Staycations are not just a time to binge eat snacks on the sofa while bitterly ruminating on inability to afford a real vacation. Staycations are also a time for spiritual reflection. In the past few days I have consumed so many processed, bagged, and preservative-laden snacks that I have gone into a peyote-like trance. My spiritual journey through a cheesey-poof induced coma has revealed to me what is really important in life...BLOGGING. To honor that which the most holy snack muses have divulged, today shall be a day of prayer for my blog. Pray for my blog. Now. Do it. Ask whatever god you dig to bless my blog. I made up a prayer that you can chant over and over again to bless my blog. Say it 100 times. I know that if you pray with me about my Moonbow's Résumé Adventure blog, that it will become really famous and stuff.

I wish this godly guy would pray for Moonbow's Résumé Adventure (photo by MacJewell via Flickr).

Prayer for Moonbow's Blog

May Moonbow's blog brim all the way up to the stratosphere with awesome posts and stuff.

May Moonbow's Résumé Adventure make infinity dollars. 

May advertisers be bountiful, smitten, well-laden, and well-hung.

May God smite all hackers that try to mess with Moonbow's shit. 

May Moonbow have the strength to hunt down and street fight spammers.

God, you should command blessings on Moonbow's Résumé Adventure and to all those that are touched by this blogs awesomenessability. 

Oh Lord, may you repeatedly bless Moonbow's Résumé Adventure like so hard and stuff that the universe conducts tons of traffic to this site. 

Oh Lord hear this prayer. 

AMEN + OMG + LOL + :-) + AMEN

Moonbow's Memorial Day Weekend Staycation

It is officially Memorial Day weekend, which can only mean one thing...time for Moonbow's Staycation! There is no point in applying for jobs over Memorial Day weekend because nobody will bother to read them. So I am just going to kick it on the couch with movie musicals and several bags full of generic-branded cheese curls. Oh yeah, this is how we live large in Long Beach!

Cheese-flavored snacks (photo by jronaldee via Flickr).

Résumé Adventure #10: When Opportunity Comes a-Shootin'

Normally, I like to hunt down job opportunities on websites like Craigslist. But sometimes you have got to be creative and make up your own Résumé Adventure opportunities if you stay ahead of the curve. So for today's Résumé Adventure, I am seizing an opportunity that I read about in the news. The Los Angeles Times Blog reported in "Fatal Shooting of Mountain Lion by Police Sparks Criticism" that the Santa Monica Police shot and killed a mountain lion that got trapped in a building courtyard on May 22. Since the police shouldn't have done that, and because they were basically just big nature-hating screw-ups, and since everybody in Los Angeles is really mad at them, I figure they are probably going to get fired. And when someone gets fired, that means that someone else, LIKE ME, can get hired. So I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the California Department of Fish and Game, just in case they are looking to beef up their team with people that actually love nature and especially nature of the cat persuasion. You can view my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

This is what mountain lions look like when they are not being 

tortured and murdered by the police (photo by katsrcool via Flickr).

My Cover Letter

Dear California Department of Fish and Game,

After the recent tragic mountain lion shooting that occurred in Santa Monica on May 22, you are no doubt looking for new employees to replace those that surely must be fired for acting so rashly as to kill a lost lion. Clearly the shooter and those present at the crime scene hate nature and should not be in the business of protecting it. So, that is where I, Moonbow Rollings, come in. I would like to be considered as a replacement employee for one of those that you will have to terminate for being cat killers. I have three key skills that would be of value to the Department of Fish and Game:

First of all, I heart nature and flora and fauna a lot. Especially cute animals. And rocks. And ocean. And I would never do anything to hurt the preciousness of any of those entities. That is not true for the people that killed the trapped mountain lion. They like to frighten and torture nature with pepper spray balls, hoses, and darts, and then kill it. I would never do that stuff because I know nature is awesome. Furthermore, I have the ability to think of the big picture. For example, the cat that the police killed was female and she might have been a momma cat and now maybe not only is she a victim of sloppy policing, but maybe her kittens are too because they won't be able to survive without her. 

Second, I have street fighting skillz that don't require the use of gunz. If I ever had to subdue some nature thing, I would just like do some ninja mind tricks to get it to chill out. If I found some people being nature douches and like doing bad stuff in nature, I would do ninja kicks in the air and then yell really loud and that would be enough to subdue the nature-perp. Perp is short for perpetrator. I heard it used on TV on X-Files. It is a pretty cool word that I know because I am in the know, you know? I would be like "STAND BACK OR I'LL NINJA KICK, NATURE PERP! YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" You know how the police that killed the mountain lion were defending their actions by saying that the lion might go across the street and hurt the pre-schoolers, well that sort of excuse dishing would never happen if you hired me because I know that guns kill many, many, many, many, many, many more people in one year that mountain lions have ever killed anybody. Srsly...like why wasn't the shooting cop worried about shooting his gun around the freakin' preschoolers? Huh? I would never do that. That is some stinky BS. 

Third and most importantly, I am a fluent speaker of MeowCat Language. I speak the House Cat Dialect with excellent proficiency. I am just at an advanced conversational level in the Mountain Lion Dialect, but that is still quite good. I can even prove to you how good I speak Mountain Lion: You know that photo of the mountain lion that was in the Los Angeles Times? You know, the cute one? Well, I can translate the cat's body language for you right now. That mountain lion, may she rest in peace, was just saying "Hey! I'm just a cute little lost 75-pound mountain lion. I am scared. I am trapped. I don't know how to get out of this building. I keep on trying to get out of here to go back to my home in the mountains but these mean humans keep on throwing pepper spray and darts at me and hosing me down. I don't know what to do. I am really scared. I don't want to hurt anyone." If you hire me, next time a lion gets trapped in a building, I can tell it not to worry, that we are just going to sedate it and then take it home. So, yeah, that is a really cool skill that I have. Talking to lions is just how I roll. 

I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Naturally Awesomely Yours,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #9: Taking Advantage of the Geriatric Set

Wow! Bankers Life and Casualty Company wants to interview me about selling stuff to unsuspecting seniors.ME! Can you believe it? I didn't even apply for a job with their company, they just sent me an email that basically says come be our sales bitch, yo! I think I might actually be getting closer to getting a job :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  I signed up for Monster and I just knew that the barrage of annoying half-rate predatory advertisements must mean that Monster is a valuable and worthwhile website. I sent my résumé and cover letter the the recruiter. You can read my ageless résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter and the recruiter's poorly written email can be found below. I left out some identifying parts on account of how I am nice about privacy and stuff, but mostly because I don't want any other résumé adventurers stealing my job lead. Nobody puts Moonbow in a corner!

YUM!!! Coffin full of doughnuts (photo by Smath via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Sunny Sunsmith and I am a branch manager at Bankers Life and Casualty Company. I came across your resume on Monster. I believe you have the skills to be a successful independent insurance agent at Bankers and would like to extend an invitation to meet me and my management team. Bankers is a leading national insurance company who has been in business for over 130 years. We help service the needs of the retirement market by educating individuals on the financial realities of retirement. Our insurance products help provide peace of mind and independence. 

Bankers is also committed to supporting the causes that affect our customers and their families. Bankers is a proud national sponsor of the Alzheimer's Association and since 2003, has helped raise more than $2 million for the Alzheimer's Association through our annual Forget Me Not Days nationwide fundraiser and corporate donations.

If you would like to learn more about Bankers and the opportunities we have available, please schedule a time to meet with my management team online. The online process takes less than 2 minutes.

Thanks and I look forward to meeting you.

Sunny Sunsmith

Branch Manager|Bankers Life and Casualty Company"

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister Sunsmith,

Thank you so much for using a bot to scour the electronic underbelly of Monster.com to find me. It must have been a treacherous journey through their forest of pop-up advertisements. I am glad you survived and want to be the gallant knight in a cheap suit and tie that rescues me from the throws of unemployment. Normally, I would suspect that you are offering a really crappy job because you are trying to sell the job to me without me having to sell my skill set to you. Generally speaking, that means an employer is desperate because their job sucks so bad that nobody wants it. But you know, since you are just all about genuinely helping out senior citizens, well, you must be good people. I read on Wikipedia that you guys get sued all the time for denying policy holders their benefits, but that must be a mistake because you are so NICE!!! I am sure that you don't give money to charitable causes just to wrangle more customers and unsuspecting job seekers. I can totally tell from your superfluous mention of your Alzheimer's charity in a recruitment email that you must really care about your clients! 

Let me use your charitable giving as an example to show you how good I am at selling stuff: You are probably thinking that Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance has to donate money to Alzheimer's research to make sure that your customer base doesn't get Alzheimer's because then they will be too sick to deal with buying insurance from you. That is definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of approach. I would take the glass-is-half-full path and use client memory loss as a way to SELL MORE INSURANCE. I would be like "Hey, do you want to buy some insurance for when you die?" And the customer would be like "I already bought insurance from you, Moonbow." And then I would be all like "Ummmmm, no you didn't. Your age-related memory loss is confusing you." And then the customer would be like "Oh yeah, I guess you are right. You better sell me some more insurance." And then we would both eat doughnuts from your in-office snack station and it would be AWESOME! So, yeah, I can totally be a douchey, predatory saleswoman that targets venerated elders. No problemo. 

Also, I really like that your company name has the word "life" in it before "casualty." That shows that you like to think on the bright side, too! Just like me, Moonbow! Casualty makes me think of war and death and unwaxed floss. SO SPOOKY!!!! I also like that you refer to your management team so much. Are you guys like a corporate gang? That is soooo gangster, dude! My only question for you is like, if I come work for you, how long will I have to target unsuspecting mature adults before I get to retire in style myself? I want to move to Leisure World in Seal Beach when I retire. They have this giant metal globe in front of their assisted living community that is really cool. When I retire to Leisure World, I am going to pronounce the word "leisure" the real classy way. You know, like "leh-sha world" instead of like "leesure world" which is just so declasse!

I have attached my résumé to this email for your records. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Socially Acceptable Stealing,

Moonbow Rollings