Monday, June 25, 2012

Résumé Adventure #20: Job with Vague Promise of Potential Pay in the Future, Maybe

I have been M.I.A. from M.R.A. for quite a while. Let us just pretend that nothing when awry and get back on track with Résumé Adventure #20. For this Résumé Adventure, I am applying  to a position on Craigslist with Hollywood Leek. Their writing position offers no pay, but the potential to get paid in the future. Maybe. If I am lucky. But you, probably not. I have excerpted the job posting from Craigslist below. My cover letter follows. Be sure to look over my luckeriffic résumé on Moonbow's Résumé page.

It is not easy being leeky (photo by snickclunk via Flickr).

The Job Posting

Comedy Writer for (Hollywood)
Date: 2012-06-21, 3:47PM, PDT
Location: Hollywood
Compensation: No initial pay. Potential for Future Staff Position. is an entertainment news satire service currently recruiting comedy writers to create satirical content. Along with articles, Hollywood Leek is developing a video component with a producing partner, including viral videos, fake trailers, and a daily news show. 

Hollywood Leek provides writers with immense visibility in the industry and nationwide. Writers will work alongside award winning comedians, produced screenwriters, Emmy-nominated TV writers, film producers and more. Huge potential for future salaried staff position. 

We would love to talk further about writing for Hollywood Leek! Please contact us to set up an interview. Thank you!

My Cover Letter

Dear Leek of Hollywood,

I am responding to your job post from the List that is Craig's. Did you rip-off the title of the mother of all modern short printed news satire, The Onion? I bet The Onion hates you for treading on their odoriferous vegetate-allium title + satire territory. Do you have a feud with them now? Please, please, please say YES. I hope so. And I hope it is long-standing and grueling. I personally adore a good feud. Feuding is the sole reason that I got into lone-warrior beatboxing and street fighting. I hate the ass-cheeky, self-satisfied, predictable attempts at humor that The Onion tries to pass off as readable. Sometimes if I am trying to get coffee from one of those public coffee dispensing establishments with free wireless fidelity, already seated window-hogging coffee-bitches will ask me if I have seen such-and-such article in The Onion blah-blah-blah because apparently social caffeine drinkers think it is just soooooo funny hahahahahahha. But, it isn't. The Onion just is not funny at all ever. Don't worry. I stay true to myself by sneering at their feeble attempts to engage me in that chat that is chit. I have made a vow to one day become a barista just so I can conceal my own spittle in the foam of their over-priced cappuccinos and then REVENGE WILL BE MINE. I hope you wipe the linoleum with The Onion so you can get some revenge too. Let's agree to think evil-y sort of thoughts about the The Onion while eating actual onions until our common enemy has been appropriately  subverted and dominated.

So, yeah, you should work with me because I am a good writer. Nah, I am a great writer. No. Scratch that. I am a fist-pumping, jacked-up-mega-unicorn-posse writer. It is true. You can ask the kids up in 'Dena. They know all about my unicorn posse. Do you know what makes me a great writer? Huh? Guess. Come on. Just guess, already. No, I am not telling you until you at least try to guess at why I am a great writer. Fine. Whatever. I'll tell you. Ready? Wait for it...I HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Two of them in fact. I can write with pens. I can write with pencils. I can write with crayons and colored pencils. And I can write with a keyboard. Or a stylus. Or even a touchscreen keyboard. read right...I can write it all, baby. I can write stuff while ice skating or eating snacks or listening to White Snake B-sides. I can even write stuff while I have the syndrome that is premenstrual. I bet you can't do that. I have definitely got some mad writing skillz, for real. 

Also, like wouldn't it be awesome it viral videos actually gave people viruses? Then you could totally use them for feuds. If that viral video dream ever came true, I would totally pretend to be friendly with my numerous and many and formidable enemies and I would be like "Hey, Ex-Enemy." And then they would be like "Hey, Moonbow. Please don't street fight us today." And then I would be like "No, I don't want want to fight. I want to be friends. Let us be friends. Here, check out this hilarious and adorable online video of a kitten snuggling with a baby panda bear that is snuggling with baby that is dressed up as a panda bear." And then my enemies would watch the video and before they could squeal "awwww, so cute," WHAM! They would have contracted varicella zoster virus. Maybe if you befriend me we could put a zoster virus on your website. That would be so AWESOME!

At this point, I bet you are like totally impressed with my feuding and writing skills. You should probably just hire me now. Oh wait, you won't hire me. Hahahahahhahahahhaha. LOL x infinity +1. I totally forgot about that part where you want people to work for you without compensation. Joke is on me, I suppose. HAHAHAHAhahahahahHAHAHAHha. You are indeed funny, my friend. Oh well, you do say that there is huge potential involved with your writing position. As an American, I do like me some huge. I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Just remember, Moonbow Luvs Yoo!

Yours in Power-Scallions,
Moonbow Rollings

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