Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Second Update on Résumé Adventure #15: OMG, You're Kidding Me, Right?

Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, but I am not Sure How is the adventure that just keeps on giving. After sending in my résumé and cover letter to their recruiter, I have received two responses. The first response just said something about being on a wait list. I did not respond to that one. On the surface, the second one looks like it might be legitimate because it seems to take my cover letter response into consideration, gives a company name (Emalex), and has a job description; but, ultimately must be bullshit. The email doesn't give the recruiter's name, has a yahoo email address -- not a professional one, and gives a job description that is describing a very unlikely job scenario. You can read the recruiter's email and my response below. The recruiter's email had a link in it to Walmart. I didn't include it because I don't like Walmart.

Check fraud is no laughing matter, so I picked out this boring check picture.
 Are you laughing? No, neither am I (photo by comedy_nose via Flickr).

Another Email from the Emalex Recruiter


Payment Dispatcher/Book Keeper
Your job description includes sending payments out on our behalf to individuals who have indicated interest in selling their Antique products. 
After we have evaluated and discussed the pricing with the individual, you will be sent the details, so you print the check and mail it out to the individual.

These are regular payroll checks for our employees

This job offer would require you to get this package below in the link.

The package includes Bank compliant check printer and blank check paper, plus all you will need to make the payment and send it out.
You will receive a salary of $700 every Month and you are to paid fully with the amount you spend to purchase supplies, so your first salary would be $800 plus money for supplies.

We will provide you with our Affiliates Bank account details and FedEx/ UPS account
This jobs is quite flexible but requires your time when there is job to be done.
Payment dispatching occurs only Once weekly, so just a few hours of your day is needed for a week's job pay and you can choose a day which you are less busy so we can work on that day so as not to interruprt your normal schedules.

Kindly get back to me if interested in any of the above, so we can start up and i get you enrolled and update you with further details.


My Second Response

Dear Emalex,

Wow...are you kidding me? Did you totally miss the overt sarcasm of my last email to you? Do you really think that I am going to go out and send out fake checks that I print at home with money drawn from suspicious-sounding bank account of your supposed affiliates? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND? WELL, ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?! I am about as likely to join your crime ring as I am to hook up...and as everyone knows, hookin' up is not my strong suit. My beauty just totally intimidates all guys. You probably don't know what it is like to be so desired that nobody wants to be around you because they are afraid of your awesome gorgeousnessosity because you are too busy trying to mastermind pathetic, unsuccessful crimes from your home computer. 

Honestly, the part where you just seem desperate to give me, Moonbow, a total stranger, access to any bank account is completely suspicious. Nobody in their right mind would do that, that is of course, unless they were up to no good lying, cheating, stealing, pooping on flower-beds, murdering unicorns and kittens, and other general fraud and evil stuff. You are a blatantly stupid criminal mind. There will never be a cool TV sitcom that is based on your true crime story because you are LAME-O. Your email looks so fake that it makes me hate you. You better not email me again because I am bored of this repetitive email exchange. You and I both must know by now that it is a big waste of our time. You are no longer entertaining to me and worst of all, you don't even have a freakin' job to offer me and you damn well know it. If I knew where you were I would come and kick your ass with my AaWwEeSsOoMmEe STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ!!!!! I would be like KICK! THWACK! CHOP! WHIZ! BOP! And you would run away. But since I don't, I will just call the police on your pathetic attempt at criminal action if you ever contact me again. 

I am sorry your life sucks so bad that you have to resort to this sort of petty crime. But that is NO EXCUSE because mine sucks too and I don't try to do this sort of thing. If in the unlikely event that this is a real job, in the amount of time that you spend sending these ridiculous emails out to God only knows how many people, you could be doing this check thing yourself. 

You Better Behave Yourself or Else,
Moonbow Rollings

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