Cats like it when printers go "purr" and printers like it when cats go "purr" (photo by Mary-Lynn via Flickr).
The Job Post
PAYMENT DISPATCHER/BOOK KEEPER NEEDED
Looking for someone to help with book keeping. you are going to need a printer for this,if your are interested please kindly get back to me and get paid $700 Per month doing so, and it is on a part time bases too so you need not worry about time. You get to do this once in a week.
What is your location and what do you do for a living?
Do you have a printer and what type of printer do you have?
What you do is simple,you help printout and send payments out,all infos you will need will be provided.get back to me via email.
My Cover Letter
Thank you so much for taking the time to email me about your open job position. It seems as though your only job requirement is that I have a printer. Well, you are in luck. Are you ready for this? I DO HAVE A PRINTER! BAM! I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? And I have MAD PRINTER SKILLZ!!! I know how to load paper, remove paper, push "ctrl + p" at the same time, plug the printer in to the wall outlet, and even push the printer's power-on button. I, Moonbow, am to small home printers what circus lion tamers are to fierce lions. Oh, yeah, I am a FREAKIN' PRINTER MASTER, BABY. Uh-huh. Yes, I am.
You did not tell me your name or even who you work for, but you know, I guess that just means that we are such close friends that we don't even need to use names. Like you know when you call up your bestie and you just say "hey, its me" and they know that it is you? Yeah, that is how you and I are. We are tight like that. Already. After only a single email.
So since we are such good friends, I am going to be brutally honest with you. I am concerned because it seems to me, that despite of or even in spite of my kick-ass printer skillz, you don't seem to be interested in me at all anymore!!! After all you and I have been through together, all you care about is my printer!!! All you ever talk about is printer this and printer that tell me about your printer blah blah blah. What gives? Are you ditching me for my printer? It isn't even that attractive!!! If you had seen my printer before I decorated it will all of those scratch-and-sniff stickers, you would not be impressed with its bland ecru exterior. You don't love me any more. You don't even like me! You and my printer must be fooling around behind my back. Well, I see how it is...screw you! You just wait until that printer starts messing up all of your minor print jobs with crumpled, jammed paper feeds and weakened black ink. Then who are you going to turn to when that happens, huh? You sure as hell won't be able to turn to the printer to fix itself because it doesn't have opposable thumbs!!!
Whatever. I have attached my résumé to this email for your consideration. I doubt I will hear from you ever again because you only care about my stupid printer and not about me or the fragility of my feelings. You probably just want to funnel credit card payments to you through me from stolen credit cards that you stole yourself. You just want to use me.
IF YOU PRICK ME DO I NOT BLEED?!!!
Yours in Rage and Jealousy,