Friday, June 8, 2012

Résumé Adventure #18: I Wanna be Willy Loman When I Grow Up!

For Résumé Adventure #18, I am taking a look southward towards that beacon of gleaming boredom and detached single family homes, San Diego! I am not having much luck up here in Long Beach finding any work, but maybe San Diego can scootch over a nudge and make room for Moonbow. This morning, a Craigslist job post beckons to me, calling out for me to leave my desk behind for the Willy Loman door-to-door sales path to enlightenment. You can read the excerpted job post and my cover letter below. You can bask in the glory of my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Door-to-door sales are the stuff of nightmares (photo by h3h via Flickr.)

The Job Post

"Are you Tired of Working at a Desk? (san diego)
Date: 2012-06-08, 8:49AM PDT
Location: san diego

Have you spent 8 hours a day or more sitting at a desk staring out the window wishing you were outside enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather?!
Many of our current employees say that this was them. What we are looking for is 5 energetic highly motivated individuals to help our marketing department.
This is the healthiest industry in the economy today. What we specialize in is energy efficient home improvements.
There are many companies in San Diego doing what we do.
However there isn't one out there that has 25 years in business or that generates anywhere near the 23 million in new sales volumes each year as we do.

If you are a people person, if you have a professional appearance and most importantly if your ready to make over 1500$ a week with no experience required than this is the job for you.
We offer paid training in a fun and exciting work environment.
Please don't spend you time behind a desk unhappy anymore making little money compared to the effort you put in.
We have the vehicle to change your life and promote a new career for yourself.
For immediate consideration please email your resume"

My Cover Letter

Dear Silicon City Recruiter,

I read your job post on Craigslist and I am interested in joining your sales team. Once I join, we can call ourselves the Sales Force Five and get coordinating but not matching uniforms with sleek utility belts. I am totally going to take San Diego by sales-storm. Sales Force Five will br organized ourselves like Charlie's Angels and we'll do cool ninja spy stuff with office supplies too. Maybe we'll make nun-chucks out of pencils and rubber bands. And we'll have secret code words too. I know we'll be a really good secret terminology team because I can already understand your code language. For example, I can tell that the beautiful sun-drenched job that you are describing in your post is actually a Willy Loman style door-to-door sales job in an over-saturated market. Ah-ah! You see! I TOTALLY get you and we haven't even met yet!!! Also, I totally dig the way you like practically beg people to apply for you job. Don't worry. It shows that you are a man or woman of the people and that you are not afraid to bow down to the awesomeness of my presence. 

In your job post you say that you are looking for people that are sick of being stuck at their desk jobs. Well, I don't actually have a desk job, but I do have a desk and I do sit at it all day long while I troll the Internet looking for cute pictures of cats dressed up in business suits. I guess it would be better to get out there in the world and make some money. Plus with all of that time out in the blaring hot Southern California sun, I should be able to overcome my vitamin D deficiency. That would be AWESOME! Honestly, if I did have a desk job, I would be super triple unicorn happy about just being employed and I would fight fang and claw to keep my comfy, cushy desk job. Who in their right mind would leave their ergonomically designed swiveling office seat to go stumbling around in the hot sun on foot all day doing door-to-door sales? I dunno. Not me. So, if you actually get people that already have comfortable jobs that want to leave their job to sell crap outside, you should flatly reject them because you know they must be crazy. WE CANNOT HAVE CRAZY PEOPLE OF SALES FORCE FIVE. That would be too risky and might compromise our mission. But since I don't have any job at all, desk or otherwise, and since I am like hyper-doubly-sane, I would be happy to join your door-to-door Sales Force Five

I definitely meet your oh-so-stringent job requirements: I definitely look professional as you can see from the photo background on my résumé and I definitely want to make $1,500 every week. I am not necessary the most energetic person, but I do know how to jack myself up on candy to make it appear as though I am naturally energized. I am not really much of a people person, but I am a cat person and God knows, that is like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better anyway. Cat ladies are natural sales women. And also, not only can I help you sell your product, but I can help you like, you know, edit all of the grammatical errors out of your future job posts because OMG OMG OMG, I've got mad GRAMMAR SKILLZ!

I have attached my résumé for you to behold, in all of its Microsoft-y glory. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Death-of-a-Salesman Street Style,
Moonbow Rollings

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