Thursday, May 31, 2012

Résumé Adventure #13: Partner with Paul, Get Rich, and Hook Up!

For Résumé Adventure #13, I posted my résumé in the Craigslist résumé section. Soon after, I received an email solicitation from a recruiter that works for Partner for Paul. What the hell is Partner with Paul, you say? I don't know. Never heard of it. The recruiter's email was short, but contained a link to a sales pitch that dragged on pointlessly for so long that I had to take a tinkle break just to get through the tawdry thing. I have posted the recruiter's email, complete with authentic typos below, but have changed her name so she can't sue me for slander. Lawsuits are a luxury that I just can't afford until I am employed again. I have also excerpted parts of the web page that she recommended. You can view the whole, long, drawn-out thing using the link I provided. My thoughtful response follows.

This is how you become a Partner with Paul millionaire (photo by ishane via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email


Nice writing to you, a few minutes ago I read your post on craigslist and it attracted me, right now I have some work need you if you have time,

for the details please read
partnerwithpaul which I post with descriptions

If you have any questions feel free to shoot me an email.
Boogerina Mountain"

My Cover Letter

Dear Boogerina Mountain,

Thank-you so much for responding to my post on Craigslist. You decision to contact me clearly shows that you have an eye for quality. I knew that giving my post the title "I Got Skillz. Hire Me. Now." followed up by a blatant typo would serve me well as the key to my future as a career girl. 

So, um, yeah, I followed that link you sent me. It starts off by promising that you can show me how to make a quick $500 to $5,000 a month. And that some kindly rich white dude named Paul that likes to take his family to the beach in matching outfits is going to tell me how. I saw that Paul photo and I was like...OMG! If I could be Paul's partner, I could buy my very own family and take them to my very own beach and we could wear matching clothes too! So I kept on reading. And reading. And reading. And I continued to hold out hope that Paul would throw down a job description somewhere. I just kinda sorta figured that since I posted in the résumé/jobs wanted section that you must be emailing me about an actual job. But no, apparently not.

So anyway, I read though the fake charts and graphs that you offer up as proof of your legitimacy. And then I read through the tedious blathering about how Paul is an awesome dude and not just some guy that preys on poor unsuspecting unemployed and under-employed folks just trying to get out of debt. And then I read through a bunch of hyped-up bullshit shtick that is ironically supposed to demonstrate that Paul is a no-hype and no bullshit kind of practical business man that just likes to help people. Um, yeah, I didn't quite get that part. But whatever...if irony is what gets the almighty Paul off, to each his own. At this point I probably would have just given up, but then I read "we will LITERALLY hold your hand if necessary" and I was like, OMG, JACKPOT! I know that holding hands leads to hookin' up and I am all about that. Yeah, you know what I am talking about! 

So, re-invigorated with hand-holding hope, I read your steps to success where you claim with no skills or experience or free time, that I too, can become like really rich and stuff. I would sum the steps up like this:
Step One: Join the Partner with Paul website.
Step Two:  Go to a secret website that tells you how to make money from home without a real job.
Step Three: Make a bunch of money. 
Step Four: Join Paul's mysterious inner circle. Oooooooh. That sounds exclusive. I bet Paul will want to hold MY HAND. 

I told my cats all about this wonderful opportunity that you are offering me and they said "Meow meow merrrrrow meeeeiaow meowmeoweyoweyoweyow" which translates as "Um, Moonbow, we think this is a waste of time scam, you better investigate this." So I took their advice and I googled "Partner with Paul + scam" and learned that all y'all want to do is make me buy a $40 Herbal Life sales kit and that you are a big scam-a-rama-thon. So like it that true, Ms. Mountain? Are you an Herbal Life scam? Because if you are, I am not interested. Herbal Life if sooooo ghetto. It is like ghetto Mary Kay and you don't even get a pink car. 

Yours in Hand-Holding,
Moonbow Rollings

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