Thursday, May 17, 2012

Résumé Adventure #5: MTV Reality Show Opportunity of a Lifetime

For Résumé Adventure #5, I'm going to try my luck with the most prestigious of all employers, MTV. More formally known amongst the academic set as Music Television, this audio-visual wonder of pubescent anti-smarts is offering a no pay "opportunity of a lifetime." You can view the original job posting from Craigslist or just read the copied text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's youthful use of excessive quotation marks and care-free lack of proper punctuation. I sent my low-concept résumé on to MTV on to the recruiter, but you can view it on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter is below.

Welcome to Torrance, CA (photo by HectorF via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"MTV reality show casting (torrance,ca)
Date: 2012-05-17, 12:27PM PDT
Location: torrance,ca
Compensation: no pay

Are you funnier than the "situation?" Do you have more gusto than "J Wow?" Do friends and family members constantly tell you that you should have your own show? This could be the opportunity of a lifetime for you. We are seeking people between the ages of 18-25 from the tri-state area that have what it takes to be a reality star. 

For open casting details, please submit your name, contact details and recent photo and a brief description about why you can be the next reality star to"

My Cover Letter

Dear Opportunity of a Lifetime Recruiter,

I would LOVE so freaking HARD to be on an MTV reality show because I would love to be famous for like doing stuff on TV or whatever. You know? I am six years too old, but it isn't like cool to be an age discriminator and you guys shouldn't do that. You would think that my 31 years of maturity would have left me with the common sense to know that MTV is the cultural equivalent of stepping in still-warm body temperature dog poop on a sidewalk, but no, I have not developed that sense yet. I am still awesome and youthful and sexy. Plus I can buy beer for the under-age cast members. You didn't mention it in the job description, but I TOTALLY ROCK at making duck lips. I am a duck lip expert that knows that duck lips are what all of the cool kids are into these days. Actually, I practice making them for hours each day just like the girls on Jersey Shore.

I am definitely funnier than "the situation." And I am waaaay funnier than the situations that MTV contrives for the sake of fake drama. Hahahahaha! I just made a rhyme. Double unicorn LOLz! Anyway, I know I would be funnier than the contrived situations that are on reality shows because they are not funny at all. Well, actually, they are funny in a sad, laughing-at-the-expense-of-pathetically-shameless people kind of way, but not funny as a comedic sort of way. I am sure you know what I mean because this cover letter has already made us simpatico now. Two minds in one cover letter, two souls in one résumé. Two and me baby, all the way.

I am awesome and perfect for your show because I would excel at sitting in a small room to recite scripted dialog that is supposed to look like really emotional real stuff even though it is not because my great grandmother used to lock me in small closets as punishment for not fetching her cigarettes fast enough, like all the time when I was a child, and when I was trapped in the closet I would make up stories about tender-hearted Conestoga wagon pioneers in the style of Her Most Luminous Majesty, Vanna White, which is basically the same premise as reality shows.

I don't really have any friends or family, but I do have lots of cats and they DEFINITELY AGREE that I should have my own show. I know that you are not going to offer me any compensation for any hard work or talent that I bring to your reality show, but since it is a FrEaKInG OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and because it is in OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG that beacon of high art and culture, TORRANCE, CA...I am down with not getting paid. I know that even that even though MTV is a multi-million dollar pop-culture venture and an industry leader, that not compensating people is just how MTV rolls. Booooyah! 

Thank-you so much for your time and consideration! I have attached my résumé and my semi-professional (minus the professional part) head shot to this email. I look forward to making fake stuff look real, but not really with you!

Yours in Cheap Broadcasting Options,
Moonbow Rollings

PS. Did you know that I am also a reality TV show expert? Well, it is true. I am! I can name tons of reality shows like Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Jersey ShoreNick and Jessica, Survivor, Tommy Lee Goes to College, The Surreal Life, Big Brother, The Simple Life, Road Rules, The Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, Top Chef, America's Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Toddlers in Tiaras, American Idol, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Miami, Real Housewives of DC, Real Housewives of Israel, Real Housewives of Vancouver, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: London, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Miami, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Hawaii, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Sydney, The Real World: Denver, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Cancun, The Real World: Washington, DC, The Real World: Saint Thomas, and Live! With Regis and Kelly

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