Résumé Adventure #12: Off-Shore Scammer with a Half-Rate Pyramid Scheme

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow times five!!! Today's Résumé Adventure is a mega-doozy. I received an email from a recruiter named EdwinBob007. I am not sure where he got my email address, but apparently he wants to hire me without ever meeting me or seeing my résumé. I mean, yes, I am Moonbow and I am FrEaKiN' AWESOME and employers should hire me on the spot, but this lecherous email is just a tad suspect. Okay, actually, it is tremendously suspect. He apparently needs a personal assistant to steal shit for him from heaven only knows who. You can read EdwinBob007's recruitment email in all of its poorly written, poorly spaced, poorly spelled glory below. My response follows.

This is how you should dress if you are going to rob someone. This is also how you should dress

if you are going on a blind date (photo by Ski Mask Kid via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"I need a (PA) Personal Assistant. I'm looking for someone that can be trusted and reliable to work very well and good understanding person. This position is home-based and flexible, working with me is basically about instructions and following them, my only fear is that I may come at you imprompt sometimes, so I need someone who can be able to meet up with my irregular timings. As my assistant, your activities amongst other things will include 

I received your application,I'm sure you'll understand I tend to have a very busy schedule at this point. Please note that this position is not office based for now because of my frequent travels and tight schedules, it's part-time, work from home basis and the  flexibility means that there will be busier weeks than others, so it's a little difficult judging the exact number of hours you'll be doing per week.If you can manage your time properly, this job may even give you some extra while you do something else on the side for now.

As I have said, I'd want us to get a head start with things as soon as possible. I do have a pile up of work and a number of unattended chores which you can immediately assist me with, I hope we can meet up with the workload eventually. Permit me to use this week to test your efficiency and diligence towards all this, also to work out your time schedule and fit it to mine. I really need to find the perfect person for this job, I'm confident you can take up the challenge and on the long run we should have a relatively sound working relationship between us.

I'm glad you are willing to work with me and i promise to be a good boss.I am also glad on the commitment in working. I have been checking my files and what i would want you to do for me this week is to do shopping for office equipment/printing materials for my new office thats am setting up soon  .A check will be mail to you from a Client this week  , the money is needed to get some Tools need for my new office. and maind you i will meet with you in the nest 8days,   so you dont have to worry your self on how we are to meet okay.

So the payment you are receiving is for my Client and the Money is Needed to furnish my New Office  .  the Money is needed to get some Equipments and tools into the Office  .

So once you received the Check all needed of you to do is for you to deduct your $400 weekly Pay from it and i will send you the rest of what to shop   and send the remaining money to the Manager to arrange those Tools inside the Office  .  I want you to email me back soon as you received this message for me to be rest assure you are still with

me  .

I await your mail.."

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister EdwinBob007,

Thank you so much for sending me a job offer + recruitment letter all wrapped up in one seedy email. I love your two-for-one style. But seriously, EdwinBob007, who do you think you are kidding? My name is MOONBOW, not FALLS-FOR-RETARDED-SCAMS-BOW!!! 

When I started reading your email, I felt sorry for you. You really struggle to command the English language and I figured that you must be a hard working immigrant just trying to make the American Dream a reality. I initially though that I could help you with your correspondence, and through the miracle of proper grammar, I could help your mystery business flourish a whole bunch if I could just make you look more competent via email.

But as I read on, I realized, nah, you are just some off-shore scammer trying to get other people to steal for you through some half-rate pyramid scheme, probably some check and credit card fraud bullshit. I mean the part where you stress how absolutely busy you are with your traveling and working, followed by the long and barely comprehensible email is a dead give away. Not to mention the convoluted way you explain how you are going to pay me.

Look, on one hand, I feel your pain. If you are in a situation that is so bad that you have to resort to petty electronic theft to make ends meet, that is tough. Really tough. But on the other hand, yo, dude, like why would you want to pull other innocent people into your measly crime ring? If you were in Long Beach, I would kick your butt with my RAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ for trying to pull one over on me like that. Um, yeah, seriously, I would do that.

This is not an LOL matter, Mr. EdwinBob007. I am calling the cops on you if you ever send me an email ever again. 

Fuck Off,

Moonbow Rollings