The Job Post
"Hot Hostesses Needed for Millionaire's Luau (Los Angeles)
Date: 2012-05-13, 9:17AM PDT
Location: Los Angeles
We are now hiring hostesses for the upcoming PB Millionaire's Luau party at the famous PB Castle! It will be held Saturday, June 16th, from 4 to 11PM. We are looking for friendly, outgoing people with good, positive energy. You will be greeting guests, serving jello shots, and just looking good for the cameras as this is also part of a reality show. You will also be wearing festive luau themed attire. The pay is $100. Email us a photo and your contact info.
Become our friend on facebook for more details: http://www.facebook.com./pbreality
To see what our parties are all about, click to play our video:"
My Cover Letter
Dear Luau Reality Show Recruiter,
I am interested in your luau eye-candy position. I know that you really just want an emailed photo to see that I am indeed a hottie, but I thought that sending you a professional cover letter might increase my chances and set me apart from the anti-Mensa crowd that normally engages your attention. I see that even though the position is in the San Diego metro area, you have posted the job in the Los Angeles section of Craigslist. I guess you ran out of women with hot bodies down there. Or maybe you just don't have any pretty ones left because the women on your show clearly need some fancy makeup to pass. If that is the case, shame on you, because people can't help if their faces negatively reflect the ugly, cruel person that they are on the inside like walking Dorian Gray paintings with less than stellar faces. They shouldn't be judged for that! Or maybe you do have pretty and fit women down in San Diego, but you just can't seem to find one that is really good at pretending to be a mildly developmentally delayed modern-harem 'ho', televised pimp stable pony, popular culture reality show programming media skankatron. Well, if that is what you are looking for...I AM THE SKANKATRON FOR YOU!
While I do not have experience attending parties or working in pre-fab mini castles, I can definitely fake it until I make it for the PB Millionaire. A little bit about me: I am five and a half feet tall. I weigh 150 booty-licious pounds. I wear a size 12. I am a natural beauty that does not need to brush her hair or her teeth to know that she is gorgeous. I wear old eye glasses that I found on a bus stop bench because it is just cheaper to wear found items rather than go to an optometrist. They are not my actual prescription, but whatever, they hide some of my wrinkles and adult acne for the camera.
I do not drink alcohol, but I often have terrible allergies from my pride of house cats that require me to take shots of alcohol-laden Ny-Quil from that little measured plastic cup that comes with the bottle. I believe that my experience with alcohol containing, bright green medications from shot-sized vessels will carry over nicely in a generalized sort of way to jello shots. Also I am experienced at wearing costumes, oops, excuse me, I mean "luau themed attire."
Furthermore, for this glorious, life-affirming chance to be on a reality show, I am willing to accept your minimum wage payment even though the PB Millionaire could clearly afford to pay me more because he is a millionaire with a freaking castle. I think that the travel expenses down to San Diego will probably eat up all of the minimum wages that you are offering, so I was wondering if you have a travel stipend because a travel stipend would be totally awesome and stuff.
Anyway, I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you! Woooooooooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!