Thursday, May 24, 2012

Résumé Adventure #10: When Opportunity Comes a-Shootin'

Normally, I like to hunt down job opportunities on websites like Craigslist. But sometimes you have got to be creative and make up your own Résumé Adventure opportunities if you stay ahead of the curve. So for today's Résumé Adventure, I am seizing an opportunity that I read about in the news. The Los Angeles Times Blog reported in "Fatal Shooting of Mountain Lion by Police Sparks Criticism" that the Santa Monica Police shot and killed a mountain lion that got trapped in a building courtyard on May 22. Since the police shouldn't have done that, and because they were basically just big nature-hating screw-ups, and since everybody in Los Angeles is really mad at them, I figure they are probably going to get fired. And when someone gets fired, that means that someone else, LIKE ME, can get hired. So I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the California Department of Fish and Game, just in case they are looking to beef up their team with people that actually love nature and especially nature of the cat persuasion. You can view my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

This is what mountain lions look like when they are not being 
tortured and murdered by the police (photo by katsrcool via Flickr).

My Cover Letter

Dear California Department of Fish and Game,

After the recent tragic mountain lion shooting that occurred in Santa Monica on May 22, you are no doubt looking for new employees to replace those that surely must be fired for acting so rashly as to kill a lost lion. Clearly the shooter and those present at the crime scene hate nature and should not be in the business of protecting it. So, that is where I, Moonbow Rollings, come in. I would like to be considered as a replacement employee for one of those that you will have to terminate for being cat killers. I have three key skills that would be of value to the Department of Fish and Game:

First of all, I heart nature and flora and fauna a lot. Especially cute animals. And rocks. And ocean. And I would never do anything to hurt the preciousness of any of those entities. That is not true for the people that killed the trapped mountain lion. They like to frighten and torture nature with pepper spray balls, hoses, and darts, and then kill it. I would never do that stuff because I know nature is awesome. Furthermore, I have the ability to think of the big picture. For example, the cat that the police killed was female and she might have been a momma cat and now maybe not only is she a victim of sloppy policing, but maybe her kittens are too because they won't be able to survive without her. 

Second, I have street fighting skillz that don't require the use of gunz. If I ever had to subdue some nature thing, I would just like do some ninja mind tricks to get it to chill out. If I found some people being nature douches and like doing bad stuff in nature, I would do ninja kicks in the air and then yell really loud and that would be enough to subdue the nature-perp. Perp is short for perpetrator. I heard it used on TV on X-Files. It is a pretty cool word that I know because I am in the know, you know? I would be like "STAND BACK OR I'LL NINJA KICK, NATURE PERP! YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" You know how the police that killed the mountain lion were defending their actions by saying that the lion might go across the street and hurt the pre-schoolers, well that sort of excuse dishing would never happen if you hired me because I know that guns kill many, many, many, many, many, many more people in one year that mountain lions have ever killed anybody. why wasn't the shooting cop worried about shooting his gun around the freakin' preschoolers? Huh? I would never do that. That is some stinky BS. 

Third and most importantly, I am a fluent speaker of MeowCat Language. I speak the House Cat Dialect with excellent proficiency. I am just at an advanced conversational level in the Mountain Lion Dialect, but that is still quite good. I can even prove to you how good I speak Mountain Lion: You know that photo of the mountain lion that was in the Los Angeles Times? You know, the cute one? Well, I can translate the cat's body language for you right now. That mountain lion, may she rest in peace, was just saying "Hey! I'm just a cute little lost 75-pound mountain lion. I am scared. I am trapped. I don't know how to get out of this building. I keep on trying to get out of here to go back to my home in the mountains but these mean humans keep on throwing pepper spray and darts at me and hosing me down. I don't know what to do. I am really scared. I don't want to hurt anyone." If you hire me, next time a lion gets trapped in a building, I can tell it not to worry, that we are just going to sedate it and then take it home. So, yeah, that is a really cool skill that I have. Talking to lions is just how I roll. 

I have attached my résumé to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Naturally Awesomely Yours,
Moonbow Rollings

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