Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Résumé Adventure #4: Raising Money for the Apocalypse

You know those annoying, collegiate-aged throngs of matching t-shirt clad, clipboard-waving kids that harass people to give them money and credit card information for charitable causes in front of the grocery store and other public places? Yeah...you do. Of course you do. We all do. Well, for Résumé Adventure #4, I am going to apply to be one of those folks, a street canvasser. I found a street canvasser job posting on Craigslist and you can view the original job posting or read the excerpted text below. I have honored the recruiter's typos and dramatic use of bold text, but omitted her last name to protect her privacy. You can view my resumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

This is what the Apocalypse will probably look like. Photo by mikelehen via Flickr.

The Job Posting

"FT/PT work for The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency! (Central L.A.)
Date: 2012-05-15, 10:00AM PDT
Location: Central L.A.
Compensation: Solid base pay and competitive bonuses - health benefits, 401K and paid time off

Join the Emergency Response Team- US Association for UN Refugee Agency

What is the most preternatural disaster?

In most recent history we had the earthquake on the island of Sumatra in 2010 leaving more than 1,000 people dead and several thousand more trapped underneath the rubble.

In 2008, the people of Myanmar were victims of Cyclone Nargis that killed 78,000 people and the same month the earthquake in Western China killed 67,000.

In January of 2010, the Haitian people suffered a severe earthquake in a country that already has so many challenges killing 22,000.

To sum it up, in 2010, 260,000 people died worldwide from natural disasters up from 15,000 in 2009. There are endless examples of things that happen for which there is nothing we can do. The storm hits, the damage is done and often this happens in the matter of hours before resources can be mobilized and NGO's, like UNHCR's Emergency Response Team, are rushing in to handle the emergency humanitarian crisis that was created by these natural disasters. This is the best, more reasonable response to these types of disasters. 

Now we get the question, what is the most preternatural disaster?

There are situations in the world today which we know about. We have been forewarned. We have time to act. We have the opportunity to raise funds, but sometimes, we do nothing. That is the biggest disaster of all. Most people want to help, but they do not know how. Start Today!

For these very same types of disasters above, we raise funds. For the people in Eastern Africa, we raise funds. For the 12 million stateless people around the world, we raise funds. For the war-torn people in Darfur, we raise funds. For the family in Iraq, we raise funds.

The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency is now hiring for our brand new fundraising teams in the Los Angeles Area. We are hiring Fundraisers and Team Leaders all with hourly wages or salaries, bonuses, family heath benefits, 401K, and PTO. We are hitting the streets hard in 2012 with out residential canvassing teams and our street teams. BE THE FIRST to apply.

So, the most Preternatural Disaster of all is doing NOTHING at all. Be the CHANGE! Apply today. 

Please send all resumes - Attention: Angela ---- "

My Cover Letter

Dear Angela,

Your job post sounds so grave! I guess the world was a big mess between 2008 and 2010. I am not sure why you don't use recent 2012 death toll statistics, but that does not matter to me because I know the biggest preternatural event ever -- THE APOCALYPSE -- is coming. It is true. I saw a documentary about the Mayan Calendar and how the world is going to end in 2012 because the calendar is going to end in 2012. We really, really need to prepare for the worst by raising funds. We here in the United States will probably be spared too much END-OF-THE-WORLD hardship, but industrializing countries will definitely be hard hit by God's wrath. It just isn't fair to ignore poorer countries even during the inevitable END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. I really like that your organization rushes in to help after a natural disaster strikes because rushing in before an unseen event would just be a waste of money. That is a mantra that I can definitely support and I would love to be a part of your fundraising street team. 

I do not have any experience in fundraising, but I have encountered tons of college age kids trying to get me to give them my credit card information outside of Trader Joe and Whole Foods. I never give those fundraisers the time of day, I despise them, and I really hate that I can't just take care of my shopping without being harassed. When fundraiser canvassers come to my door asking for money, I usually just crouch down low by the front door and bark and growl like I am a vicious guard dog until they leave. That said, I KNOW HOW THE AVERAGE ANTI-CANVASSER PERSON THINKS! I will certainly be able to use this knowledge to my advantage to make your organization and myself lots of money. For example, it doesn't matter how friendly the canvasser seems, I won't give them money. Their false offering of friendship just makes me distrust them. So what I would do is be really blunt with potential donors. I would be like "Hey, you! If you don't give us some money for people in Africa who might get KILLED IN AN EARTHQUAKE, I'm going to tell everybody that you hate poor people." That shaming will definitely do the trick. It is sort of like reverse psychology and stuff, you know?

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to ponder. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Moonbow Rollings

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