Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Résumé Adventure #9: Taking Advantage of the Geriatric Set

Wow! Bankers Life and Casualty Company wants to interview me about selling stuff to unsuspecting seniors.ME! Can you believe it? I didn't even apply for a job with their company, they just sent me an email that basically says come be our sales bitch, yo! I think I might actually be getting closer to getting a job :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  I signed up for Monster and I just knew that the barrage of annoying half-rate predatory advertisements must mean that Monster is a valuable and worthwhile website. I sent my résumé and cover letter the the recruiter. You can read my ageless résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter and the recruiter's poorly written email can be found below. I left out some identifying parts on account of how I am nice about privacy and stuff, but mostly because I don't want any other résumé adventurers stealing my job lead. Nobody puts Moonbow in a corner!

YUM!!! Coffin full of doughnuts (photo by Smath via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Sunny Sunsmith and I am a branch manager at Bankers Life and Casualty Company. I came across your resume on Monster. I believe you have the skills to be a successful independent insurance agent at Bankers and would like to extend an invitation to meet me and my management team. Bankers is a leading national insurance company who has been in business for over 130 years. We help service the needs of the retirement market by educating individuals on the financial realities of retirement. Our insurance products help provide peace of mind and independence. 

Bankers is also committed to supporting the causes that affect our customers and their families. Bankers is a proud national sponsor of the Alzheimer's Association and since 2003, has helped raise more than $2 million for the Alzheimer's Association through our annual Forget Me Not Days nationwide fundraiser and corporate donations.

If you would like to learn more about Bankers and the opportunities we have available, please schedule a time to meet with my management team online. The online process takes less than 2 minutes.

Thanks and I look forward to meeting you.

Sunny Sunsmith
Branch Manager|Bankers Life and Casualty Company"

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister Sunsmith,

Thank you so much for using a bot to scour the electronic underbelly of to find me. It must have been a treacherous journey through their forest of pop-up advertisements. I am glad you survived and want to be the gallant knight in a cheap suit and tie that rescues me from the throws of unemployment. Normally, I would suspect that you are offering a really crappy job because you are trying to sell the job to me without me having to sell my skill set to you. Generally speaking, that means an employer is desperate because their job sucks so bad that nobody wants it. But you know, since you are just all about genuinely helping out senior citizens, well, you must be good people. I read on Wikipedia that you guys get sued all the time for denying policy holders their benefits, but that must be a mistake because you are so NICE!!! I am sure that you don't give money to charitable causes just to wrangle more customers and unsuspecting job seekers. I can totally tell from your superfluous mention of your Alzheimer's charity in a recruitment email that you must really care about your clients! 

Let me use your charitable giving as an example to show you how good I am at selling stuff: You are probably thinking that Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance has to donate money to Alzheimer's research to make sure that your customer base doesn't get Alzheimer's because then they will be too sick to deal with buying insurance from you. That is definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of approach. I would take the glass-is-half-full path and use client memory loss as a way to SELL MORE INSURANCE. I would be like "Hey, do you want to buy some insurance for when you die?" And the customer would be like "I already bought insurance from you, Moonbow." And then I would be all like "Ummmmm, no you didn't. Your age-related memory loss is confusing you." And then the customer would be like "Oh yeah, I guess you are right. You better sell me some more insurance." And then we would both eat doughnuts from your in-office snack station and it would be AWESOME! So, yeah, I can totally be a douchey, predatory saleswoman that targets venerated elders. No problemo. 

Also, I really like that your company name has the word "life" in it before "casualty." That shows that you like to think on the bright side, too! Just like me, Moonbow! Casualty makes me think of war and death and unwaxed floss. SO SPOOKY!!!! I also like that you refer to your management team so much. Are you guys like a corporate gang? That is soooo gangster, dude! My only question for you is like, if I come work for you, how long will I have to target unsuspecting mature adults before I get to retire in style myself? I want to move to Leisure World in Seal Beach when I retire. They have this giant metal globe in front of their assisted living community that is really cool. When I retire to Leisure World, I am going to pronounce the word "leisure" the real classy way. You know, like "leh-sha world" instead of like "leesure world" which is just so declasse!

I have attached my résumé to this email for your records. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Socially Acceptable Stealing,
Moonbow Rollings


  1. Yeah, it is true. I am.
    Moonbow definitely luvs yoo!

  2. I got nearly this exact same email today. Googled the text of it and found your blog.


  3. Dear Not Senile Yet,

    Really? You got it too? That sucks. It is such BS that they treat people so generically. They should probably beef up their recruitment skills. I made the mistake of posting my resume on Monster...that is how this recruitment letter came to my inbox.

    If you are looking for work, I wish you the very best of luck! I am happy that you found my blog and do hope you return often. :-)