Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Résumé Adventure #8: Dysfunctional Sexy Nacho Time Reality Show on Major Network!

Today's Résumé Adventure is for grown-ups only. Apparently a major network is looking for someone to be on their reality show about sexy-time stuff and I, Moonbow, am all about sexy-time stuff. On yeah, you know it! You can see the original job post in all of its improperly capitalized glory on Craigslist, or you can just view excerpted the text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's masterful butchering of written English and random use of bold text, underlines, and random highlighting. I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the TV show's recruiter today. You can view my titillating résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

When sexy-time partners don't wear matching clothes, you know there is trouble in paradise 

The Job Post

"SEX THERAPY Series on MAJOR NETWORK Now Casting Season 2! (Los Angeles)
Date: 2012-05-22, 11:53AM PDT
Location: Los Angeles
Compensation: TBD

Successful Sex Therapy Series on Major Network is Now Getting Ready to Kick-Off Season 2!

We are looking for Individuals or Couples with Sexual Addictions, Compulsions, Intimacy Disorders & Anything in Between.

  • Is Sex Ruining Your Relationship, Marriage, Job, or Life?

  • Does your Sexual Fetish make you feel powerless?

  • Or do you find Sex Difficult?

To apply:
Send us an E-Mail about yourself to the e-mail address provided above. Please include:
  • Name
  • Age
  • Current Photo
  • Your City and State
  • Phone Number
  • Tell Us About Yourself

My Cover Letter

Dear Theraputic Sexual Recruiter,

My name is Moonbow Rollings. I am 31 years young. I am living large in Long Beach, California. I don't have a phone number, sorry, but if you need to get a message or contract to me, my cats are trained messengers. Here is a little bit about me and why I want to be on your sexy dysfunction TV show: 

I have been unemployed for a mega-long time and it is definitely affecting my ability to find a man to do sexy things with such as eating nachos or pretending to be prehistoric animals. I guess being unemployed has got me down in the dumpster and I just can't use my womanly ways with processed cheese like I used to. OMG! If it weren't for my precious little baby cats, I would be totally extra lonely. Wait...does that make it sound like I date cats? Well, I don't. That isn't what I meant. Like, duh! Don't worry, I don't eat nachos with my cats. That would be soooooo gross. Srsly. I know that people from La Jolla are into hookin' up with felines, but no way, man, not me. We don't do that kind of thing in here in Long Beach. Anyway, I just know that I would be an excellent subject for a major network show that reveals the most secret, private stuff of people that don't get sexy-time. 

I don't have any addictions or compulsions or intimacy issues, I just have trouble getting men to like me even though I am way more beautiful than any other woman in Long Beach. Lately, if I do find a cute guys that I want to have Mesozoic beast fun with, they expect me to pay them!!! Maybe they need the money because the economy is so bad, but this is a major problem for me because I can't afford to pay them because I am unemployed. What I really need is guys to do sexy stuff with me for free. When I see a man on the street that I think is a total hottie like myself, I offer him some Flamin' Hot Cheetos because they are a scientifically proven aphrodisiac. But guess what? Not even Cheetos are enough to seduce a nice man these days. :-(  I would like your sex specialist to help me find sexy nacho time for free. It would also be okay for the sex helper to give me some money so I can pay some beef cake hotties to hook up with me. Like if you want to tape me talking about all this stuff with the sex specialist, that is cool, so long as you pay me (I am a job seeker, you know). I don't have any human family members to embarrass by putting all of the private business of my private parts out in the public sphere on national television. I do have cats for family, but they don't like reality television shows, so I don't think they will care if I am on one. They do like a good crime drama, but I promised them I would never be on a crime drama, so we are all good on that front. 

I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Your in Sexy Thang Miracles,
Moonbow Rollings

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