Monday, May 21, 2012

Résumé Adventure #7: I'm Not Scared of You, Gordon Ramsay Restaurant!

For today's Résumé Adventure, I am applying for a job as a Gordon Ramsay bar-wench at The Grove. For those Résumé Adventurers that don't know who Mister Ramsay is, um, he is basically this guy that has a bunch on Michelin Stars and a bunch of reality cooking shows where he is really mean to his employees. Not always, of course, but you know, enough for him to earn some street cred for being a meanie. If you don't know what the Grove is, just picture the fake old-timey town at Disneyland and then take away all of the fun rides and replace it with boring and expensive retail shops. The Ramimator's temper doesn't scare me one bit because there is a unicorn-mounted posse of seventh graders up in Altadena that got my back no matter what, so I think I will probably get this job just for being so brave. You can see the original job post on Craigslist, or you can read the excerpted text below. Always the stickler for accuracy, I have included the recruiter's original typos. You can view the résumé that I sent to the Rams-aurant on Moonbow's Résumé Page. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it because I don't have health insurance in the event that I get chef-whipped.

Flambé-style street fighting skillz (photo by geezaweezer via Flickr). 

The Job Posting 

"Bartenders for new Gordon Ramsay Restaurant (The Grove)
Date: 2012-05-21, 9:15AM PDT
Location: The Grove
Compensation: Compensation is dependent on experience.

New restaurant at The Grove by Gordon Ramsay and Andi Van Willigan is looking for a fantastic bartending team! This new high-volume concept will present elevated California comfort cuisine with a British flair. You will be making delicious cocktails made from fresh, local ingredients. You must be experienced in full-service, high-volume restaurants and have a true passion for hospitality and great service.

A track record of success is a must!"

My Cover Letter

Hey RamVaniGan Grove-aurant Recruiter,

Hey, whazz up? I was trolling around Craigslist, just cruising the job section and I saw your bartending  post. It was at this moment that an imaginary light bulb turned on near my forehead because I know that not many people will be applying for this job which means that OMG OMG OMG my chances of getting an interview for the position are quite high. Statistically speaking, those STATS RULE! 

First off, I'm gonna say please pass this message on to your boss: Yo, G-Ram! You get mad props for opening up a business and hiring employees because we seriously need more jobs in Los Angeles. The job market here just effing sucks so effing bad. Like srsly, it does. You should totally give yourself a high-five for that. HIGH FIVE!!!!! The part where you are all like talking about how the restaurant is going to be like new and high-volume and concept and like elevated California comfort and like cuisine and like British Flair-ized is truly like just going to Santa Monica (crazy, I know) which is really smart because a lot of peeps totally love Santa Monica but like nobody has the time to go all the way over there to get their SM on. Going to your Ram-man pub thing in the Grove would be like having a lil' mini Santa Monica vacation! SOOOO AWESOME!

Second off, I am going to address the reason that you will not be getting a high response rate for this job posting: The Ramster has some seriously bass-ass, mo-fo street cred. Everybody in the Internet knows that Ramsay will cut a bitch if he needs to. He would be all like "Hey, I don't like you. I'm famous which means I have a license to treat you like crap. I'm about to get Sweeny Todd on your ass." Then PARING KNIFE SLASH! KICK! SLAP! FORK STAB! FIGGY PUDDING TO THE FACE! DOUSE WITH ALCOHOL AND PROCEED TO FLAMBÉ! Yeah, just like that. Potential candidates are definitely gonna be worried that the Gordon-a-tron might hurt them because he's got that mean streak reputation that he self-justifies with his fame. But you know what? I am not afraid of the Ram-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong. Nope. Not me. I have ninja skillz. And street fighting skillz. And I got my head reinforced with steel just in case zombies try to eat my brains, but a cool perk of that surgery is that my reinforced brain-case means that it is imposssible for grouchy chefs to give me concussions. I never heard of Andi Van Willigan, but I'm gonna take an educated guess that she is like a henchwoman and stuff. That is totally aweome. Henchwomen rock! GRRRL POWRRR!

Yeah, so I am the ultimate-mega-best job candidate for your position because I am not scared of the Gor-Force. I don't have any bartending skillz, but since I have never had to attend any court-mandated alcohol-related 12-step programs, I should be fine. I won't sneak any sips of fancy liquors from you. Granted the tacky throngs of nouveau riche women that don't have any thing better to do with their time than shop at the prefabricated wonder-mound of bland shopping that is the Grove, um, yeah, they scare the Bee Gees out of me. But no worries! Over time I will develop the appropriate stealth combat skillz to defeat them if they challenge me to a duel. It will be like on-the-job training.

I have attached my résumé to this email for your admiration. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Hahahahahahahaha...LOL, I just rhymed. Admiration...consideration...get it? Haha. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you! 

Yours in the Ram-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am,
Moonbow Rollings

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