Résumé Adventure #19: Beverly Hills Secretary!!!

For Résumé Adventure #19, I am applying to my dream job. 13 hour days, an illegal payment system, working for minimum wage in Beverly Hills so I can drool over those that have more (way more) than me. Yeah, that sounds just divine. You can read the original job post on Craigslist or read the excerpted part below. My emailed cover letter follows and my résumé can be found on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Pee-patties! Kidz just luv 'em!!! (photo by Napolean_70 via Flickr).

The Job Post

"2 Office Assistants/Secretary (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2012-06-10, 6:59PM PDT
Location: Beverly Hills
Compensation: Pay is $8 Cash per hour

Looking for a Full Time and Part Time secretary to answer phones, send letters, emails, etc in a Children's Community Center.

Must know computers well, look professional, be able to multi task, be a people person, computer literate, have a car, and live within a few miles radius.

Hours are between 10AM-11PM

Please send your picture along with your resume with the email title being Office Assistant.

Pay is Cash - so we don't take off any money for taxes."

My Cover Letter

Dear Dream Job Recruiter,

I am interested in the Community Center Receptionist position you posted on Craigslist. I have been a job seeker for many years now, in part because I have difficulty finding high-quality positions that offer a decent wage in a nice work environment. These opportunities are few and far between in Los Angeles nowadays. But when I read your wonderful job post, I just knew I had found my DREAM JOB! HOLLA! Go dream job, go dream job, Gooooo! Let me tell you why you should hire me to be your moderately skilled secretary. 

First, I am like sooooo office-y and stuff. I will put on a power suit and get all up in that joint and answer phones. POWER PHONEZ!!!! I just made you a song about power phonez and power suits. 

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

There is no need to fear 

When Moonbow Rollings is near

Answering the Powowowowower Phones

In her coordinating P-P-P-Power Suit! 

Hello? Yeah, I'll transfer you, baby!

Can you hold...my heart? 

JK LOL No I don't think so!

Power Phones! P-P-P-Power Phonez! 

And Power Suit! P-P-P-Power Suit!

PP, yeah! PS, yeah! PP, oh! 

PS, I love you!

Yeah, that is how I roll when I am in office mode. 

You want someone that is computer literate, too, huh? I am awesome with computers. I like to keep computers really clean. Did you know that is not good to clean computers with water or commercial household cleaning products? Well it is true. That is why I clean computers animal-style with my tongue. A nice, thin, freshly applied layer of spittle dries a lot faster than other cleaners so you don't have to worry about damaging fragile hardware. Clearly, I know everything there is to know about computers. 

You state that you are looking for a people person. Well, I am more of cat person, to tell you the truth. But I assure you that will not be a problem. I will just bring my 18 cats to work with me. Your work day is 13 hours from 10AM to 11PM and I can't leave my cats alone that long everyday anyway. That solution will be win-win for everyone involved. You won't mind it I set up a litter box in your lobby, right? I mean, that is cool, right? I use scoopable litter and you know how kids (especially the little ones that go to community centers) love those hard little pee-patties that form in the litter box! They can double as biodegradable building blocks or frisbees! So that won't be a problem at all...pee-patties...kids just LUV 'EM!!! 

I would like to talk about your multi-tasking request now. There have been multiple studies that have proven than multi-tasking is less efficient that old-school single tasking and that it messes up the circuitry in your brain a little bit, but whatever. Like my email address says, I luv yoo and I am willing to make that multi-tasking sacrifice for you. 

As far as your requirement that your future $8/hour secretary have a car and live just a few miles from you, which means in the expensive part of town...um...uh... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OMG. LOL. That is freakin' HILARIOUS! Heh-heh. Yeah, right. You are never going to be able to find someone that is going to work 13 hour days for eight bucks an hour that can afford to live around the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills and deal with the upkeep, gas, and insurance for a car that you probably expect them to use without compensation in your service. You are never going to find that, so I am just going to ignore that job requirement. You crack me up, you really do. So funny, you are!

The position in paid in cash...probably so you don't have to account for taxes or benefits or with paying overtime or any of that legal stuff that a legitimate employer is supposed to do. I am not above going along with your law-breaking deeds because I really want you to hire me for this dream job. I don't even care that you are asking for a photo so that you can screen out people who don't meet your prejudiced race, gender, and age ideals. I just really want this job. Give me this freakin' job already, damn it. What the heck are you waiting for? It isn't every day that you are going to get the opportunity to hire someone with as many SKILLZ as I have for $8/hour without benefits. 

I have attached my graven image and résumé to this email because that is just how I roll. Thanks for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Pee-Patties,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #18: I Wanna be Willy Loman When I Grow Up!

For Résumé Adventure #18, I am taking a look southward towards that beacon of gleaming boredom and detached single family homes, San Diego! I am not having much luck up here in Long Beach finding any work, but maybe San Diego can scootch over a nudge and make room for Moonbow. This morning, a Craigslist job post beckons to me, calling out for me to leave my desk behind for the Willy Loman door-to-door sales path to enlightenment. You can read the excerpted job post and my cover letter below. You can bask in the glory of my résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

Door-to-door sales are the stuff of nightmares (photo by h3h via Flickr.)

The Job Post

"Are you Tired of Working at a Desk? (san diego)
Date: 2012-06-08, 8:49AM PDT
Location: san diego

Have you spent 8 hours a day or more sitting at a desk staring out the window wishing you were outside enjoying the beautiful San Diego weather?!
Many of our current employees say that this was them. What we are looking for is 5 energetic highly motivated individuals to help our marketing department.
This is the healthiest industry in the economy today. What we specialize in is energy efficient home improvements.
There are many companies in San Diego doing what we do.
However there isn't one out there that has 25 years in business or that generates anywhere near the 23 million in new sales volumes each year as we do.

If you are a people person, if you have a professional appearance and most importantly if your ready to make over 1500$ a week with no experience required than this is the job for you.
We offer paid training in a fun and exciting work environment.
Please don't spend you time behind a desk unhappy anymore making little money compared to the effort you put in.
We have the vehicle to change your life and promote a new career for yourself.
For immediate consideration please email your resume"

My Cover Letter

Dear Silicon City Recruiter,

I read your job post on Craigslist and I am interested in joining your sales team. Once I join, we can call ourselves the Sales Force Five and get coordinating but not matching uniforms with sleek utility belts. I am totally going to take San Diego by sales-storm. Sales Force Five will br organized ourselves like Charlie's Angels and we'll do cool ninja spy stuff with office supplies too. Maybe we'll make nun-chucks out of pencils and rubber bands. And we'll have secret code words too. I know we'll be a really good secret terminology team because I can already understand your code language. For example, I can tell that the beautiful sun-drenched job that you are describing in your post is actually a Willy Loman style door-to-door sales job in an over-saturated market. Ah-ah! You see! I TOTALLY get you and we haven't even met yet!!! Also, I totally dig the way you like practically beg people to apply for you job. Don't worry. It shows that you are a man or woman of the people and that you are not afraid to bow down to the awesomeness of my presence. 

In your job post you say that you are looking for people that are sick of being stuck at their desk jobs. Well, I don't actually have a desk job, but I do have a desk and I do sit at it all day long while I troll the Internet looking for cute pictures of cats dressed up in business suits. I guess it would be better to get out there in the world and make some money. Plus with all of that time out in the blaring hot Southern California sun, I should be able to overcome my vitamin D deficiency. That would be AWESOME! Honestly, if I did have a desk job, I would be super triple unicorn happy about just being employed and I would fight fang and claw to keep my comfy, cushy desk job. Who in their right mind would leave their ergonomically designed swiveling office seat to go stumbling around in the hot sun on foot all day doing door-to-door sales? I dunno. Not me. So, if you actually get people that already have comfortable jobs that want to leave their job to sell crap outside, you should flatly reject them because you know they must be crazy. WE CANNOT HAVE CRAZY PEOPLE OF SALES FORCE FIVE. That would be too risky and might compromise our mission. But since I don't have any job at all, desk or otherwise, and since I am like hyper-doubly-sane, I would be happy to join your door-to-door Sales Force Five

I definitely meet your oh-so-stringent job requirements: I definitely look professional as you can see from the photo background on my résumé and I definitely want to make $1,500 every week. I am not necessary the most energetic person, but I do know how to jack myself up on candy to make it appear as though I am naturally energized. I am not really much of a people person, but I am a cat person and God knows, that is like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better anyway. Cat ladies are natural sales women. And also, not only can I help you sell your product, but I can help you like, you know, edit all of the grammatical errors out of your future job posts because OMG OMG OMG, I've got mad GRAMMAR SKILLZ!

I have attached my résumé for you to behold, in all of its Microsoft-y glory. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in Death-of-a-Salesman Street Style,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #16: Eight Hours of Daily Hell with La Canada Age-Discriminators

For Résumé Adventure #16, we are going to take a cover letter trip to the pristine streets of affluent La Canada, California. I found a job post on Craigslist from a family ageist douche-tubes that needs someone to deal with all of the unpleasant parts of life for them. I have excerpted the job post below. My cover letter follows. You can read the résumé that I sent this domestic dream-maker on Moonbow's Résumé Page. This is pretty far from Long Beach, but I hope I get it any way. Wish me lots of luck!

Srubstep goes hand in hand with beatboxing (photo by wrestlingentropy via Flickr). 

The Job Post

"full-time housekeeper (la canada)
Date: 2012-06-05, 12:59PM PDT
Location: la canada

We are looking for a full-time, female housekeeper, 8 hours a day Monday through Friday. Must have experience with a large house. Must drive. Duties include all housecleaning services: clean floors, windows, change beds, laundry, clean kitchen, etc... we need a reliable person who is great with children and is professional and organized. We would prefer someone under the age of 50. This is a long term employment opportunity. Please only respond if you are qualify. Thank You."

My Cover Letter

Dear Maid Seeker,

I am interested in the housekeeper position that you posted on Craigslist. You list several job requirements in your post and I believe that I meet them all.

First, you want someone that is female. Well, guess, what? Yup, you got it! I AM FEMALE. GIRLZ ROOL!!!! You gotta admit -- the best part about being a woman is that you get solicitations to clean other people's toilets. Like, srsly, who ever hear of a man cleaning up a house? God, I love being a woman. I am woman! Hear me scour!

Second, you want someone that drives. Well, I do. Okay, so I do have this little problem where ice cream truck jingles put me into a medically-verified trance that often results in me running my car off the road, but I can probably drive up in La Canada where you live because it is pretty fancy and affluent up there and you probably don't have any ice cream trucks randomly driving around like we do down here in the LBC.

Third, you are looking for someone with experience with a large house. I have a pretty big place of my own...600 square feet of rented heaven that I share with a huge pride of adorable house cats. I manage and clean my whole place on my own. I sweep, mop, clean up dust, scoop up sticky hairballs, scrub the toilet and litter box, cook, and do shopping all on my own. Not many people can say that they take care of their own house these days. I can totally do that for you. Cleaning is an art form. It is okay if you haven't mastered cleanliness and house hygiene in your own home yet. I will use my mop mastery to pull you out of the filth-laden pit that has become your life. So yeah, I've got that requirement covered! :-D

Fourth, you need someone that is great with kids. I am going to guess that since you even had to mention this, that your little ones are just total, inconsiderate self-entitled slobs that like to trash newly cleaned areas and just leave all of their toys and dirty laundry and half-eaten snacks laying all over the house for the maid to pick up. It is probably pretty hard to get someone who is willing to put up with that kind of abuse. Well, look no further because I AM YOUR VICTIM! YEAH! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! I have no qualms about dealing with children. In fact, kids should be minded by their housekeepers and not their own parents. I know this is true because nobody ever complains about the inadequacy of their housekeepers in therapy, just their parents. LOL! My philosophy about kids is that as long as they are not playing with matches or watching reality television, that they should just do whatever they want.

Fifth, you said that you prefer someone that is under the age of 50. Well, once again, that is me. I want to come and clean your house and watch your kids and run your errands for you sooooooo bad that I am not even going to report you for putting that illegal ageism age-discrimination bullshit in your job post. I mean, I love people of all ages, but if you hate people over the age of 50 so much that you won't even let them interview for your housekeeping job, well that is your business. Just because people over the age of 50 are capable of important things like governing countries, being judges, running large organizations, and other responsibility-laden stuff like that, does not in any way indicate that older workers are smart enough to clean the soap scum ring out of your bathtub.

Lastly, I would like to say that I think it would be awesome to land your long-term employment job. Since it is long term, I bet you offer benefits like health care, paid time off, and sick leave. I know you didn't mention those things in your post, but you know, I bet you offer those basic work benefits. Right? Ok, who am I kidding? You probably were not planning on giving your future employee any of those things. But, after you meet me, I know you are going to want to hook me up with that stuff. Why, you ask? Because not only do I meet all of the requirements of your job listing, but I also have more skillz. For example, I have MAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ! I can defend you and your family in the event of a spontaneous smack down challenge. Also, I know how to beatbox, so if your electricity ever goes out and you can't put the kids in front of the television to keep them out of your way, I can entertain them with my musical stylings. If you are a single parent and need to hire someone to fill that labor need, I am clearly just the sort of protective and entertaining lioness that you are looking for. Finally, I am all about attention to detail which is an excellent quality in any employee. For example, I noticed every single one of your job post typos! All nine of them.

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to gaze intently at. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours in Yellow Rubber Gloves,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #15: I Know You are Trying to Scam Me, But I Am Not Sure How

Résumé Adventure #15 is a mystery. I don't know what company sent this recruitment email to me. Nor do I know the recruiter's name because they didn't include one in their sign-off. I also don't know where they got my email. It might have been from Monster or Craigslist or from this blog or maybe a vision of Moonbow's Résumé Page came to them during a dream. Either way, I don't really think the recruiter knows very much about me, but they seem to think that I am a good candidate for the job, just so long as I have a printer. Because the email sender just left out so much pertinent information about who they are, I am sure that they are trying to scam me, but I am just not sure how. Jeez, where is Angela Lansbury when you need her?!?!?! Whatever...I am not too proud to throw away a job lead, however disappointing it may be. The truth is that I need to find a job ay-sap because I need medical-grade laser treatments to get rid of the now-permanent neon orange colored stains that have marred my fingertips from my unwitting over consumption of that most delicious puffed snack food, Cheetos. People are starting to think I have radioactive jaundice symptoms. You can read the secret recruiter's email below. I have kept their flagrant display of their inability to properly capitalize letters in tact for your viewing sympathy. As usual, my cover letter follows.

Cats like it when printers go "purr" and printers like it when cats go "purr" (photo by Mary-Lynn via Flickr).

The Job Post

"Hello  

PAYMENT DISPATCHER/BOOK KEEPER NEEDED

Looking for someone to help with book keeping. you are going to need a printer for this,if  your are interested please kindly get back to me  and get paid $700 Per month doing so, and it is on a part time bases too so you need not worry about time. You get to do this  once in a week.  

What is your location and what do you do for a living?  

Do you have a printer and what type of printer do you have?  

What you do is simple,you help printout and send payments out,all infos you will need will be provided.get back to me via email. 

Regards"

My Cover Letter

Dear Invisi-Cruiter,

Thank you so much for taking the time to email me about your open job position. It seems as though your only job requirement is that I have a printer. Well, you are in luck. Are you ready for this? I DO HAVE A PRINTER! BAM! I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? And I have MAD PRINTER SKILLZ!!! I know how to load paper, remove paper, push "ctrl + p" at the same time, plug the printer in to the wall outlet, and even push the printer's power-on button. I, Moonbow, am to small home printers what circus lion tamers are to fierce lions. Oh, yeah, I am a FREAKIN' PRINTER MASTER, BABY. Uh-huh. Yes, I am. 

You did not tell me your name or even who you work for, but you know, I guess that just means that we are such close friends that we don't even need to use names. Like you know when you call up your bestie and you just say "hey, its me" and they know that it is you? Yeah, that is how you and I are. We are tight like that. Already. After only a single email. 

So since we are such good friends, I am going to be brutally honest with you. I am concerned because it seems to me, that despite of or even in spite of my kick-ass printer skillz, you don't seem to be interested in me at all anymore!!! After all you and I have been through together, all you care about is my printer!!! All you ever talk about is printer this and printer that tell me about your printer blah blah blah. What gives? Are you ditching me for my printer? It isn't even that attractive!!! If you had seen my printer before I decorated it will all of those scratch-and-sniff stickers, you would not be impressed with its bland ecru exterior. You don't love me any more. You don't even like me! You and my printer must be fooling around behind my back. Well, I see how it is...screw you! You just wait until that printer starts messing up all of your minor print jobs with crumpled, jammed paper feeds and weakened black ink. Then who are you going to turn to when that happens, huh? You sure as hell won't be able to turn to the printer to fix itself because it doesn't have opposable thumbs!!! 

Whatever. I have attached my résumé to this email for your consideration. I doubt I will hear from you ever again because you only care about my stupid printer and not about me or the fragility of my feelings. You probably just want to funnel credit card payments to you through me from stolen credit cards that you stole yourself. You just want to use me. 

IF YOU PRICK ME DO I NOT BLEED?!!!

Yours in Rage and Jealousy,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #13: Partner with Paul, Get Rich, and Hook Up!

For Résumé Adventure #13, I posted my résumé in the Craigslist résumé section. Soon after, I received an email solicitation from a recruiter that works for Partner for Paul. What the hell is Partner with Paul, you say? I don't know. Never heard of it. The recruiter's email was short, but contained a link to a sales pitch that dragged on pointlessly for so long that I had to take a tinkle break just to get through the tawdry thing. I have posted the recruiter's email, complete with authentic typos below, but have changed her name so she can't sue me for slander. Lawsuits are a luxury that I just can't afford until I am employed again. I have also excerpted parts of the web page that she recommended. You can view the whole, long, drawn-out thing using the link I provided. My thoughtful response follows.

This is how you become a Partner with Paul millionaire (photo by ishane via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Hi,

Nice writing to you, a few minutes ago I read your post on craigslist and it attracted me, right now I have some work need you if you have time,

for the details please read

partnerwithpaul which I post with descriptions

If you have any questions feel free to shoot me an email.

Regards,

Boogerina Mountain"

My Cover Letter

Dear Boogerina Mountain,

Thank-you so much for responding to my post on Craigslist. You decision to contact me clearly shows that you have an eye for quality. I knew that giving my post the title "I Got Skillz. Hire Me. Now." followed up by a blatant typo would serve me well as the key to my future as a career girl. 

So, um, yeah, I followed that link you sent me. It starts off by promising that you can show me how to make a quick $500 to $5,000 a month. And that some kindly rich white dude named Paul that likes to take his family to the beach in matching outfits is going to tell me how. I saw that Paul photo and I was like...OMG! If I could be Paul's partner, I could buy my very own family and take them to my very own beach and we could wear matching clothes too! So I kept on reading. And reading. And reading. And I continued to hold out hope that Paul would throw down a job description somewhere. I just kinda sorta figured that since I posted in the résumé/jobs wanted section that you must be emailing me about an actual job. But no, apparently not.

So anyway, I read though the fake charts and graphs that you offer up as proof of your legitimacy. And then I read through the tedious blathering about how Paul is an awesome dude and not just some guy that preys on poor unsuspecting unemployed and under-employed folks just trying to get out of debt. And then I read through a bunch of hyped-up bullshit shtick that is ironically supposed to demonstrate that Paul is a no-hype and no bullshit kind of practical business man that just likes to help people. Um, yeah, I didn't quite get that part. But whatever...if irony is what gets the almighty Paul off, to each his own. At this point I probably would have just given up, but then I read "we will LITERALLY hold your hand if necessary" and I was like, OMG, JACKPOT! I know that holding hands leads to hookin' up and I am all about that. Yeah, you know what I am talking about! 

So, re-invigorated with hand-holding hope, I read your steps to success where you claim with no skills or experience or free time, that I too, can become like really rich and stuff. I would sum the steps up like this:

Step One: Join the Partner with Paul website.

Step Two:  Go to a secret website that tells you how to make money from home without a real job.

Step Three: Make a bunch of money. 

Step Four: Join Paul's mysterious inner circle. Oooooooh. That sounds exclusive. I bet Paul will want to hold MY HAND. 

I told my cats all about this wonderful opportunity that you are offering me and they said "Meow meow merrrrrow meeeeiaow meowmeoweyoweyoweyow" which translates as "Um, Moonbow, we think this is a waste of time scam, you better investigate this." So I took their advice and I googled "Partner with Paul + scam" and learned that all y'all want to do is make me buy a $40 Herbal Life sales kit and that you are a big scam-a-rama-thon. So like it that true, Ms. Mountain? Are you an Herbal Life scam? Because if you are, I am not interested. Herbal Life if sooooo ghetto. It is like ghetto Mary Kay and you don't even get a pink car. 

Yours in Hand-Holding,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #12: Off-Shore Scammer with a Half-Rate Pyramid Scheme

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow times five!!! Today's Résumé Adventure is a mega-doozy. I received an email from a recruiter named EdwinBob007. I am not sure where he got my email address, but apparently he wants to hire me without ever meeting me or seeing my résumé. I mean, yes, I am Moonbow and I am FrEaKiN' AWESOME and employers should hire me on the spot, but this lecherous email is just a tad suspect. Okay, actually, it is tremendously suspect. He apparently needs a personal assistant to steal shit for him from heaven only knows who. You can read EdwinBob007's recruitment email in all of its poorly written, poorly spaced, poorly spelled glory below. My response follows.

This is how you should dress if you are going to rob someone. This is also how you should dress

if you are going on a blind date (photo by Ski Mask Kid via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"I need a (PA) Personal Assistant. I'm looking for someone that can be trusted and reliable to work very well and good understanding person. This position is home-based and flexible, working with me is basically about instructions and following them, my only fear is that I may come at you imprompt sometimes, so I need someone who can be able to meet up with my irregular timings. As my assistant, your activities amongst other things will include 

I received your application,I'm sure you'll understand I tend to have a very busy schedule at this point. Please note that this position is not office based for now because of my frequent travels and tight schedules, it's part-time, work from home basis and the  flexibility means that there will be busier weeks than others, so it's a little difficult judging the exact number of hours you'll be doing per week.If you can manage your time properly, this job may even give you some extra while you do something else on the side for now.

As I have said, I'd want us to get a head start with things as soon as possible. I do have a pile up of work and a number of unattended chores which you can immediately assist me with, I hope we can meet up with the workload eventually. Permit me to use this week to test your efficiency and diligence towards all this, also to work out your time schedule and fit it to mine. I really need to find the perfect person for this job, I'm confident you can take up the challenge and on the long run we should have a relatively sound working relationship between us.

I'm glad you are willing to work with me and i promise to be a good boss.I am also glad on the commitment in working. I have been checking my files and what i would want you to do for me this week is to do shopping for office equipment/printing materials for my new office thats am setting up soon  .A check will be mail to you from a Client this week  , the money is needed to get some Tools need for my new office. and maind you i will meet with you in the nest 8days,   so you dont have to worry your self on how we are to meet okay.

So the payment you are receiving is for my Client and the Money is Needed to furnish my New Office  .  the Money is needed to get some Equipments and tools into the Office  .

So once you received the Check all needed of you to do is for you to deduct your $400 weekly Pay from it and i will send you the rest of what to shop   and send the remaining money to the Manager to arrange those Tools inside the Office  .  I want you to email me back soon as you received this message for me to be rest assure you are still with

me  .

I await your mail.."

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister EdwinBob007,

Thank you so much for sending me a job offer + recruitment letter all wrapped up in one seedy email. I love your two-for-one style. But seriously, EdwinBob007, who do you think you are kidding? My name is MOONBOW, not FALLS-FOR-RETARDED-SCAMS-BOW!!! 

When I started reading your email, I felt sorry for you. You really struggle to command the English language and I figured that you must be a hard working immigrant just trying to make the American Dream a reality. I initially though that I could help you with your correspondence, and through the miracle of proper grammar, I could help your mystery business flourish a whole bunch if I could just make you look more competent via email.

But as I read on, I realized, nah, you are just some off-shore scammer trying to get other people to steal for you through some half-rate pyramid scheme, probably some check and credit card fraud bullshit. I mean the part where you stress how absolutely busy you are with your traveling and working, followed by the long and barely comprehensible email is a dead give away. Not to mention the convoluted way you explain how you are going to pay me.

Look, on one hand, I feel your pain. If you are in a situation that is so bad that you have to resort to petty electronic theft to make ends meet, that is tough. Really tough. But on the other hand, yo, dude, like why would you want to pull other innocent people into your measly crime ring? If you were in Long Beach, I would kick your butt with my RAD STREET FIGHTING SKILLZ for trying to pull one over on me like that. Um, yeah, seriously, I would do that.

This is not an LOL matter, Mr. EdwinBob007. I am calling the cops on you if you ever send me an email ever again. 

Fuck Off,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #11: Pyramid Scheme

For Résumé Adventure #11, I am responding to a two-week old recruitment email from a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions district manager that somehow found my résumé online. You can read the email from Farmers Insurance below. I kept the original typos intact. My response follows. You can view the same résumé that the recruiter viewed on Moonbow's Résumé Page. I have changed the Farmers Insurance district manager's name to protect his privacy.

Camels are zero emission vehicles (photo by jaybergesen via Flickr). 

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Juan Smith, and I manage a district office of Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions. I found your resume online, and I feel your background is a potential match for a position we have available. I currently have a need for a couple new Sales Agents within my district. 

If you are selected for a position within my district, I will help you capitalize on your strengths in a highly supportive and consultative environment. Many of our established advisors are producing well over a six-figure income; I feel this is a great opportunity for you to look into. We require candidates to have no felonies on record and no bankruptcies within the last 2.5 years, and at least 2 years of professional experience.

If you feel that you are interested in developing a new career with us, please send an e-mail to me and send me an updated version of your resume.

After reviewing your updated resume I will contact you directly.

Best Regards,

Juan Smith

District Manager

To learn more about this position, please go to our website."

My Cover Letter

Dear District Manager,

Thanks so much for sending me an email about your open sales position. I am not sure where you found my email. Hopefully you found it on your own through my blog and are just acting out of desperation because, seriously, I don't have any sales skillz. If you used some sort of bot to cruise Monster for you, well, I should inform you that it isn't working very well because I did not specify any interest in sales. None at all. I am more interested in street fighting and cats and stuff. But whatevs...I need a job. A "J" to the "O" to the "B." I suppose since you and I are both clearly not preoccupied with other stuff and because you claim I can make six figures, we might as well pursue this open stream of correspondence as far as it can go, right? Right.

So, six figures, eh? That is a lot of money and I like money a lot. How exactly does a Farmers Insurance and Financial Solutions Sales Agent bring in that kind of commission? Is it through some sort of pyramid scheme?  If so that would be AWESOME! I LOVE EGYPT! Did you know that the Great Pyramid was built by like aliens from outer space and stuff? And also that the aliens did chimera experiments on people in ancient Egypt and that is how they have so many pictures of half human half bird people on the walls of the pyramid and on pottery and stuff? Yeah, it is true. I saw it on History Channel. I watch a lot of TV since I have been unemployed for so many years. 

As per your email, the job requirements that you have for the Sales Agent position boil down to three skillzzzz. I think you will be supremely impressed with my skillzzzzzzzzz set, and if fact, I think that you may find that I am overqualified for the position. The first requirement that you mentioned is that I have no felonies on record. Well, let me tell you...actually you are going to be so blown away by this that you may want to sit down. Sit down. Hurry up. I am waiting for you to sit down. Ok. Are you sitting now? Good. So get this...I HAVE NO FELONIES EVER!!!!!! Nope none. Give me ten extra bonus points. I definitely meet that job requirement. The second is that I have no bankruptcies within the last two and a half years. I meet that condition as well because even though I am very broke, I have not filed for bankruptcy, because seriously, dude, filing for bankruptcy is really expensive and I can't afford the attorney fees. Not only have I avoided bankruptcy for the last two and a half years, I have avoided it for 31 years. Did you just gasp is awe? Hahahahahah, I sure bet you did. Wink. Wink. Lol. Finally, you require two years of professional experience. Um, yeah, I got that. I have been a professional-grade cat lady and unmarried housewife for way longer that two years. 

In addition to my rundown of your requirements, I would like to add that I have even more skillzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. For example, have you noticed how I casually intergrate the letter "z" into emails to illustrate my coolness factor? Yeah, customers will totally dig that and will want to buy insurance from me just so that my coolness can rub off on them. Also, I am really helpful. Here, I will prove it to you by giving you a helpful tip for free: The grammar rule for writing numbers is that everything below and including the number ten must be written out as a word. Everything including and above the number 13 must be written out in digits. Eleven and twelve are flexible. It is okay to write them out as words or digits. So for example, when you wrote that you "require at least 2 years of professional experience" what you really should right there is "two years of professional experience." Yeah, you should probably fix that. You are welcome.

Thank you so much once again for your time and consideration. I have attached my résumé to this email. I look forward to hearing from you! :-)

Yours in Picking Scarabs,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #9: Taking Advantage of the Geriatric Set

Wow! Bankers Life and Casualty Company wants to interview me about selling stuff to unsuspecting seniors.ME! Can you believe it? I didn't even apply for a job with their company, they just sent me an email that basically says come be our sales bitch, yo! I think I might actually be getting closer to getting a job :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)  I signed up for Monster and I just knew that the barrage of annoying half-rate predatory advertisements must mean that Monster is a valuable and worthwhile website. I sent my résumé and cover letter the the recruiter. You can read my ageless résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter and the recruiter's poorly written email can be found below. I left out some identifying parts on account of how I am nice about privacy and stuff, but mostly because I don't want any other résumé adventurers stealing my job lead. Nobody puts Moonbow in a corner!

YUM!!! Coffin full of doughnuts (photo by Smath via Flickr).

The Recruiter's Email

"Dear Moonbow,

My name is Sunny Sunsmith and I am a branch manager at Bankers Life and Casualty Company. I came across your resume on Monster. I believe you have the skills to be a successful independent insurance agent at Bankers and would like to extend an invitation to meet me and my management team. Bankers is a leading national insurance company who has been in business for over 130 years. We help service the needs of the retirement market by educating individuals on the financial realities of retirement. Our insurance products help provide peace of mind and independence. 

Bankers is also committed to supporting the causes that affect our customers and their families. Bankers is a proud national sponsor of the Alzheimer's Association and since 2003, has helped raise more than $2 million for the Alzheimer's Association through our annual Forget Me Not Days nationwide fundraiser and corporate donations.

If you would like to learn more about Bankers and the opportunities we have available, please schedule a time to meet with my management team online. The online process takes less than 2 minutes.

Thanks and I look forward to meeting you.

Sunny Sunsmith

Branch Manager|Bankers Life and Casualty Company"

My Cover Letter

Dear Mister Sunsmith,

Thank you so much for using a bot to scour the electronic underbelly of Monster.com to find me. It must have been a treacherous journey through their forest of pop-up advertisements. I am glad you survived and want to be the gallant knight in a cheap suit and tie that rescues me from the throws of unemployment. Normally, I would suspect that you are offering a really crappy job because you are trying to sell the job to me without me having to sell my skill set to you. Generally speaking, that means an employer is desperate because their job sucks so bad that nobody wants it. But you know, since you are just all about genuinely helping out senior citizens, well, you must be good people. I read on Wikipedia that you guys get sued all the time for denying policy holders their benefits, but that must be a mistake because you are so NICE!!! I am sure that you don't give money to charitable causes just to wrangle more customers and unsuspecting job seekers. I can totally tell from your superfluous mention of your Alzheimer's charity in a recruitment email that you must really care about your clients! 

Let me use your charitable giving as an example to show you how good I am at selling stuff: You are probably thinking that Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance has to donate money to Alzheimer's research to make sure that your customer base doesn't get Alzheimer's because then they will be too sick to deal with buying insurance from you. That is definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of approach. I would take the glass-is-half-full path and use client memory loss as a way to SELL MORE INSURANCE. I would be like "Hey, do you want to buy some insurance for when you die?" And the customer would be like "I already bought insurance from you, Moonbow." And then I would be all like "Ummmmm, no you didn't. Your age-related memory loss is confusing you." And then the customer would be like "Oh yeah, I guess you are right. You better sell me some more insurance." And then we would both eat doughnuts from your in-office snack station and it would be AWESOME! So, yeah, I can totally be a douchey, predatory saleswoman that targets venerated elders. No problemo. 

Also, I really like that your company name has the word "life" in it before "casualty." That shows that you like to think on the bright side, too! Just like me, Moonbow! Casualty makes me think of war and death and unwaxed floss. SO SPOOKY!!!! I also like that you refer to your management team so much. Are you guys like a corporate gang? That is soooo gangster, dude! My only question for you is like, if I come work for you, how long will I have to target unsuspecting mature adults before I get to retire in style myself? I want to move to Leisure World in Seal Beach when I retire. They have this giant metal globe in front of their assisted living community that is really cool. When I retire to Leisure World, I am going to pronounce the word "leisure" the real classy way. You know, like "leh-sha world" instead of like "leesure world" which is just so declasse!

I have attached my résumé to this email for your records. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. 

Yours in Socially Acceptable Stealing,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #8: Dysfunctional Sexy Nacho Time Reality Show on Major Network!

Today's Résumé Adventure is for grown-ups only. Apparently a major network is looking for someone to be on their reality show about sexy-time stuff and I, Moonbow, am all about sexy-time stuff. On yeah, you know it! You can see the original job post in all of its improperly capitalized glory on Craigslist, or you can just view excerpted the text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's masterful butchering of written English and random use of bold text, underlines, and random highlighting. I emailed my résumé and cover letter to the TV show's recruiter today. You can view my titillating résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter can be found below.

When sexy-time partners don't wear matching clothes, you know there is trouble in paradise 

(photo by gareth1953 Alive and Well and Much Better via Flickr).

The Job Post

"SEX THERAPY Series on MAJOR NETWORK Now Casting Season 2! (Los Angeles)

Date: 2012-05-22, 11:53AM PDT

Location: Los Angeles

Compensation: TBD

Successful Sex Therapy Series on Major Network is Now Getting Ready to Kick-Off Season 2!

We are looking for Individuals or Couples with Sexual Addictions, Compulsions, Intimacy Disorders & Anything in Between.

• Is Sex Ruining Your Relationship, Marriage, Job, or Life?

• Does your Sexual Fetish make you feel powerless?

• Or do you find Sex Difficult?

Now Casting Individuals or Couples 18 and older who need the help or a Sex Specialist!

To apply:

Send us an E-Mail about yourself to the e-mail address provided above. Please include:

• Name
• Age
• Current Photo
• Your City and State
• Phone Number
• Tell Us About Yourself

*PLEASE USE E-MAIL ADDRESS PROVIDED ABOVE*"

My Cover Letter

Dear Theraputic Sexual Recruiter,

My name is Moonbow Rollings. I am 31 years young. I am living large in Long Beach, California. I don't have a phone number, sorry, but if you need to get a message or contract to me, my cats are trained messengers. Here is a little bit about me and why I want to be on your sexy dysfunction TV show: 

I have been unemployed for a mega-long time and it is definitely affecting my ability to find a man to do sexy things with such as eating nachos or pretending to be prehistoric animals. I guess being unemployed has got me down in the dumpster and I just can't use my womanly ways with processed cheese like I used to. OMG! If it weren't for my precious little baby cats, I would be totally extra lonely. Wait...does that make it sound like I date cats? Well, I don't. That isn't what I meant. Like, duh! Don't worry, I don't eat nachos with my cats. That would be soooooo gross. Srsly. I know that people from La Jolla are into hookin' up with felines, but no way, man, not me. We don't do that kind of thing in here in Long Beach. Anyway, I just know that I would be an excellent subject for a major network show that reveals the most secret, private stuff of people that don't get sexy-time. 

I don't have any addictions or compulsions or intimacy issues, I just have trouble getting men to like me even though I am way more beautiful than any other woman in Long Beach. Lately, if I do find a cute guys that I want to have Mesozoic beast fun with, they expect me to pay them!!! Maybe they need the money because the economy is so bad, but this is a major problem for me because I can't afford to pay them because I am unemployed. What I really need is guys to do sexy stuff with me for free. When I see a man on the street that I think is a total hottie like myself, I offer him some Flamin' Hot Cheetos because they are a scientifically proven aphrodisiac. But guess what? Not even Cheetos are enough to seduce a nice man these days. :-(  I would like your sex specialist to help me find sexy nacho time for free. It would also be okay for the sex helper to give me some money so I can pay some beef cake hotties to hook up with me. Like if you want to tape me talking about all this stuff with the sex specialist, that is cool, so long as you pay me (I am a job seeker, you know). I don't have any human family members to embarrass by putting all of the private business of my private parts out in the public sphere on national television. I do have cats for family, but they don't like reality television shows, so I don't think they will care if I am on one. They do like a good crime drama, but I promised them I would never be on a crime drama, so we are all good on that front. 

I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Your in Sexy Thang Miracles,

Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #7: I'm Not Scared of You, Gordon Ramsay Restaurant!

For today's Résumé Adventure, I am applying for a job as a Gordon Ramsay bar-wench at The Grove. For those Résumé Adventurers that don't know who Mister Ramsay is, um, he is basically this guy that has a bunch on Michelin Stars and a bunch of reality cooking shows where he is really mean to his employees. Not always, of course, but you know, enough for him to earn some street cred for being a meanie. If you don't know what the Grove is, just picture the fake old-timey town at Disneyland and then take away all of the fun rides and replace it with boring and expensive retail shops. The Ramimator's temper doesn't scare me one bit because there is a unicorn-mounted posse of seventh graders up in Altadena that got my back no matter what, so I think I will probably get this job just for being so brave. You can see the original job post on Craigslist, or you can read the excerpted text below. Always the stickler for accuracy, I have included the recruiter's original typos. You can view the résumé that I sent to the Rams-aurant on Moonbow's Résumé Page. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it because I don't have health insurance in the event that I get chef-whipped.

Flambé-style street fighting skillz (photo by geezaweezer via Flickr). 

The Job Posting 

"Bartenders for new Gordon Ramsay Restaurant (The Grove)

Date: 2012-05-21, 9:15AM PDT

Location: The Grove

Compensation: Compensation is dependent on experience.

New restaurant at The Grove by Gordon Ramsay and Andi Van Willigan is looking for a fantastic bartending team! This new high-volume concept will present elevated California comfort cuisine with a British flair. You will be making delicious cocktails made from fresh, local ingredients. You must be experienced in full-service, high-volume restaurants and have a true passion for hospitality and great service.

A track record of success is a must!"

My Cover Letter

Hey RamVaniGan Grove-aurant Recruiter,

Hey, whazz up? I was trolling around Craigslist, just cruising the job section and I saw your bartending  post. It was at this moment that an imaginary light bulb turned on near my forehead because I know that not many people will be applying for this job which means that OMG OMG OMG my chances of getting an interview for the position are quite high. Statistically speaking, those STATS RULE! 

First off, I'm gonna say please pass this message on to your boss: Yo, G-Ram! You get mad props for opening up a business and hiring employees because we seriously need more jobs in Los Angeles. The job market here just effing sucks so effing bad. Like srsly, it does. You should totally give yourself a high-five for that. HIGH FIVE!!!!! The part where you are all like talking about how the restaurant is going to be like new and high-volume and concept and like elevated California comfort and like cuisine and like British Flair-ized is truly like just going to Santa Monica (crazy, I know) which is really smart because a lot of peeps totally love Santa Monica but like nobody has the time to go all the way over there to get their SM on. Going to your Ram-man pub thing in the Grove would be like having a lil' mini Santa Monica vacation! SOOOO AWESOME!

Second off, I am going to address the reason that you will not be getting a high response rate for this job posting: The Ramster has some seriously bass-ass, mo-fo street cred. Everybody in the Internet knows that Ramsay will cut a bitch if he needs to. He would be all like "Hey, I don't like you. I'm famous which means I have a license to treat you like crap. I'm about to get Sweeny Todd on your ass." Then PARING KNIFE SLASH! KICK! SLAP! FORK STAB! FIGGY PUDDING TO THE FACE! DOUSE WITH ALCOHOL AND PROCEED TO FLAMBÉ! Yeah, just like that. Potential candidates are definitely gonna be worried that the Gordon-a-tron might hurt them because he's got that mean streak reputation that he self-justifies with his fame. But you know what? I am not afraid of the Ram-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong. Nope. Not me. I have ninja skillz. And street fighting skillz. And I got my head reinforced with steel just in case zombies try to eat my brains, but a cool perk of that surgery is that my reinforced brain-case means that it is imposssible for grouchy chefs to give me concussions. I never heard of Andi Van Willigan, but I'm gonna take an educated guess that she is like a henchwoman and stuff. That is totally aweome. Henchwomen rock! GRRRL POWRRR!

Yeah, so I am the ultimate-mega-best job candidate for your position because I am not scared of the Gor-Force. I don't have any bartending skillz, but since I have never had to attend any court-mandated alcohol-related 12-step programs, I should be fine. I won't sneak any sips of fancy liquors from you. Granted the tacky throngs of nouveau riche women that don't have any thing better to do with their time than shop at the prefabricated wonder-mound of bland shopping that is the Grove, um, yeah, they scare the Bee Gees out of me. But no worries! Over time I will develop the appropriate stealth combat skillz to defeat them if they challenge me to a duel. It will be like on-the-job training.

I have attached my résumé to this email for your admiration. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Hahahahahahahaha...LOL, I just rhymed. Admiration...consideration...get it? Haha. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you! 

Yours in the Ram-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am,

Moonbow Rollings

Moonbow Teaches the Children Well

It is the weekend, which means it is time for me, Moonbow, to kick back and relax to get away from all of my hard work as an unemployed hottie living large in Long Beach, California. Instead of applying for a job this weekend, I am taking this opportunity to respond to some of my youngest disciples, a set of four middle schoolers from Altadena. They worship me, as they rightly should. You can read their letter to me and my learned response below.

School lunch means beans + tacos + hot dogs (photo by USDAgov via Flickr.)

The Fan Mail

Dear Mrs. Rollings,

I just want to tell you that Mr. Jaworski's 7th grade English class is learning about the resume and cover letter writing. Mr. J. is using your blog as an Instructional Aide and tells us "this is what NOT to do" but we think you rule and hope you stay tru 2 yourself!!

FYI we hope you could come visit our class sometime before summer and debate Mr. J. on staying tru vs. him saying we need to tell the corporate world what they want to hear. Would you please please please?!? It would rule so hard and LOL he's kinda cute too. We think he might be getting separated or divorced soon cause he's not wearing his wedding ring the past few weeks. You can see the tan line for real.

Anyway, good luck no matter what happens. I can't send you an email cause I'm 14 etc etc so I hope you hit us back on this. We're at Eliot Middle School in Altadena which is pretty far from Long Beach but maybe we could all collect for some gas money and buy you lunch in Cafe Eliot. We have superstar fierce mac and cheese. YUM! Either way Stay Classy and bTru@U!!

Sincerely,
Kelly
Janine
Jared
Usha

My Response

Dear Children,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter and yes, you are right, I do rule and stuff. You mentioned several points that I would like to address.

First of all, you should give mad props to your seventh grade selves for learning about résumé-writing. You are only 14 which means that if you play your report cards right, you could easily get a job as a child laborer in a downtown sweat shop. Employers love workers that they don't have to pay well and everybody knows that you can get kids to do your dirty work if you give them just like a dollar or whatever. Moonbow's Résumé Adventure has a tip for you and that is that you should play up that you failed a few grades! You need to highlight the fact that you are older, more experienced, and more mature than the the typical 12 year old, seventh grade, child labor, sweat shop job candidate.

Also, there is no reason that your English teacher should spend time teaching you about English literature because all the great writers are dead so they can't even be included on your professional references list. What-EV-rrrr Shakespeare. Come on people, am I right or am I right?

But on to more important matters!! Please tell your teacher, Mister Jaworski, that he better watch his back if he is going to dis' my blog, yo. Srsly, like for real...who the hell does he think he is. TONY DANZA?!?! He is just a jealous biotch that probably murders kittens and baby horses in his free time. I hate him. Please tell him that even though Moonbow is living large in the LBC, that she has a unicorn-mounted posse kickin' it in Altadena and that they know where he lives.

Um, I don't actually have a posse up in Altadena. Do you want to be my posse? All you have to do is like beat your teacher's ass for disrespecting Moonbow's Résumé Adventure. I will try to track down some unicorns for you, but that will probably take a while. So until them you can just tell your school peeps that your u-corns are serving time in prison for check fraud, but that they will be out and ready for combat any day pending parole.

I appreciate your mac 'n' cheese invite, kids, because yes I am pretty classy and that would rule so hard but unfortunately, I am going to have to decline your invitation. :-( Children, there is a dark side to unemployment that you are far too young to know about -- unemployment is not all fun and games. When you are unemployed you don't leave your house very much because you don't have a job go to or any money to spend on tiger tchotchkes. You are for all practical purposes, completely removed from the rest of civil society, which means that you have not built up an immunity to all of the crippling diseases that kids carry. After being jobless for like forever, stepping one foot inside of a junior high school would be a death sentence for me. :-0

That is it from me, your noble mentor. Good luck whoopin' Mr. Jaworski's ass!

Yours in U-corns,
Moonbow

Résumé Adventure #6: Appear in a Party Bus Promo Video for No Money

For today's résumé adventure, Résumé Adventure #6, I am going on a trip -- an imaginary trip where I imagine what it would be like to work on a party bus without monetary compensation for my time. I found the original "Appear in a Party Bus Promotional Video" job posting on Craigslist. The only requirements are few, but stringent: applicants MUST be a video-worthy hottie over the legal alcohol-consumption drinking age. I hope I get the job! I posted my cover letter below. Wish me lots of luck x infinity + 1 because this one is a good one, except for the part where there is no pay involved. I just know I can totally rock this party bus promotional video pioneer style, yo! My cover letter is below. Get drunk and have a regrettable one-night stand with my party-hardy résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

This is what it will look like when you get really drunk on a party bus (photo by rendallren via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"Party Bus Promotional Video (Hollywood)

Date: 2012-05-17, 1:03PM PDT

Location: Hollywood

Compensation: no pay

We need 25 attractive, enthusiastic women to be in our promotional video for our party bus and night club service. You will visit several Hollywood nightclubs while cruising aboard our party bus. You will enjoy the service for free. No compensation for this event.

MUST BE 21 OR OVER (A valid ID will be required the day of the shoot)

Please reply to this posting with a clear photo and which of the following dates you will be available:

Sat, May 19, 9pm -- 2:30am

Fri, May 25, 9pm -- 2:30am

Sat, May 26, 9pm -- 2:30am

Fri, June 1, 9pm -- 2:30am

Sat, June 2, 9pm -- 2:30am"

My Cover Letter

Dear Party Bus,

Rollin', rollin', rollin'...keep the party rollin'...keep those hotties movin', rawhideparybus! I want to be in your video. I think your party-bus business model is just so inspiring and intrepid. I would love to be a part of such a venture. What you have created is sort of like Little House on the Prairie, but instead of Michael Landon, you have a BUS! And not just any bus, a PAR-TAAYYYY BUS! You are like contemporary La-La Land pioneers, just a-roamin' and a-ramblin' the wild, trash-cluttered streets of Hollywood in a modern-day covered Conestoga wagon inhabited by a bartender and a DJ. Yee-Haw! I think it would be really awesome to work for you for five-and-a-half hours straight without pay.

There are three qualifications outlined in the job description, and let me tell you mister or missus fancy bus, today is your lucky day, because I meet ALL THREE job qualifications. Yup, that is right! All three. I am attractive, enthusiastic, and over the age of 21. But, wait...there is more! I am not only attractive, but I am 150 pounds of smokin' hot, adipose-blessed pounds that roll over my body when I dance like amber waves of grain, gently swaying in a good old-fashioned Americana, gentle gust of adult-onset acne. I am definitely enthusiastic, but you don't have to take my word for it. Here, let me demonstrate my enthusiasm about your party bus video job. OMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG PICK ME TO BE IN YOUR PARTY BUS VIDEO ENTHUSIASMENTHUSIASM WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOH. YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, I am well over the age of 21. Not only do I meet your age requirement, but I surpass it by ten years. Impressive, I know. What's that you say? You don't believe that I am a day over 21 because of my fun attitude and youthful looks? Well, you are wrong. I am 31 and I can prove it with valid government-issued photo identification documents.

At this time, I would like to further set myself apart from your other job applicants. I know that the wheels on your bus go round and round the cheesy Hollywood club scene. While certain high-quality individuals might be turned off by this element of So-Cal tackiness, I say, it is okay to be cheesy, because cheesy rhymes with sleazy and sleazy rhymes with hookin' up and everybody and their mama loves hookin' up. Plus, with all of those mobile STD testing vehicles that they have on Santa Monica and Sunset Boulevards now, hookin' up without worry is a breeze! Clearly, I have the right attitude to make your booze-cruise on tires a big success. Together we can redefine and reclaim the term "cheese-bus."

Thank-you so much for your time and consideration. I am most interested in riding the bus on all of the days you have listed, but I am a beacon of flexibility, especially if you put a few liquid ounces of Alize (any variety) in me. Yeah, so like any day that you choose is fine. I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Please feel free to contact me any time.

Cheers,
Moonbow Rollings

Résumé Adventure #5: MTV Reality Show Opportunity of a Lifetime

For Résumé Adventure #5, I'm going to try my luck with the most prestigious of all employers, MTV. More formally known amongst the academic set as Music Television, this audio-visual wonder of pubescent anti-smarts is offering a no pay "opportunity of a lifetime." You can view the original job posting from Craigslist or just read the copied text below. I stayed true to the recruiter's youthful use of excessive quotation marks and care-free lack of proper punctuation. I sent my low-concept résumé on to MTV on to the recruiter, but you can view it on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter is below.

Welcome to Torrance, CA (photo by HectorF via Flickr).

The Job Posting

"MTV reality show casting (torrance,ca)

Date: 2012-05-17, 12:27PM PDT

Location: torrance,ca

Compensation: no pay

Are you funnier than the "situation?" Do you have more gusto than "J Wow?" Do friends and family members constantly tell you that you should have your own show? This could be the opportunity of a lifetime for you. We are seeking people between the ages of 18-25 from the tri-state area that have what it takes to be a reality star. 

For open casting details, please submit your name, contact details and recent photo and a brief description about why you can be the next reality star to"

My Cover Letter

Dear Opportunity of a Lifetime Recruiter,

I would LOVE so freaking HARD to be on an MTV reality show because I would love to be famous for like doing stuff on TV or whatever. You know? I am six years too old, but it isn't like cool to be an age discriminator and you guys shouldn't do that. You would think that my 31 years of maturity would have left me with the common sense to know that MTV is the cultural equivalent of stepping in still-warm body temperature dog poop on a sidewalk, but no, I have not developed that sense yet. I am still awesome and youthful and sexy. Plus I can buy beer for the under-age cast members. You didn't mention it in the job description, but I TOTALLY ROCK at making duck lips. I am a duck lip expert that knows that duck lips are what all of the cool kids are into these days. Actually, I practice making them for hours each day just like the girls on Jersey Shore.

I am definitely funnier than "the situation." And I am waaaay funnier than the situations that MTV contrives for the sake of fake drama. Hahahahaha! I just made a rhyme. Double unicorn LOLz! Anyway, I know I would be funnier than the contrived situations that are on reality shows because they are not funny at all. Well, actually, they are funny in a sad, laughing-at-the-expense-of-pathetically-shameless people kind of way, but not funny as a comedic sort of way. I am sure you know what I mean because this cover letter has already made us simpatico now. Two minds in one cover letter, two souls in one résumé. Two and me baby, all the way.

I am awesome and perfect for your show because I would excel at sitting in a small room to recite scripted dialog that is supposed to look like really emotional real stuff even though it is not because my great grandmother used to lock me in small closets as punishment for not fetching her cigarettes fast enough, like all the time when I was a child, and when I was trapped in the closet I would make up stories about tender-hearted Conestoga wagon pioneers in the style of Her Most Luminous Majesty, Vanna White, which is basically the same premise as reality shows.

I don't really have any friends or family, but I do have lots of cats and they DEFINITELY AGREE that I should have my own show. I know that you are not going to offer me any compensation for any hard work or talent that I bring to your reality show, but since it is a FrEaKInG OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and because it is in OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG that beacon of high art and culture, TORRANCE, CA...I am down with not getting paid. I know that even that even though MTV is a multi-million dollar pop-culture venture and an industry leader, that not compensating people is just how MTV rolls. Booooyah! 

Thank-you so much for your time and consideration! I have attached my résumé and my semi-professional (minus the professional part) head shot to this email. I look forward to making fake stuff look real, but not really with you!

Yours in Cheap Broadcasting Options,

Moonbow Rollings

PS. Did you know that I am also a reality TV show expert? Well, it is true. I am! I can name tons of reality shows like Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Jersey Shore, Nick and Jessica, Survivor, Tommy Lee Goes to College, The Surreal Life, Big Brother, The Simple Life, Road Rules, The Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, Top Chef, America's Top Model, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Toddlers in Tiaras, American Idol, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Miami, Real Housewives of DC, Real Housewives of Israel, Real Housewives of Vancouver, The Real World: New York, The Real World: Back to New York, The Real World: Los Angeles, The Real World: London, The Real World: San Francisco, The Real World: Miami, The Real World: Boston, The Real World: Seattle, The Real World: Hawaii, The Real World: New Orleans, The Real World: Chicago, The Real World: Paris, The Real World: Las Vegas, The Real World: San Diego, The Real World: Austin, The Real World: Philadelphia, The Real World: Key West, The Real World: Sydney, The Real World: Denver, The Real World: Hollywood, The Real World: Brooklyn, The Real World: Cancun, The Real World: Washington, DC, The Real World: Saint Thomas, and Live! With Regis and Kelly. 

Résumé Adventure #4: Raising Money for the Apocalypse

You know those annoying, collegiate-aged throngs of matching t-shirt clad, clipboard-waving kids that harass people to give them money and credit card information for charitable causes in front of the grocery store and other public places? Yeah...you do. Of course you do. We all do. Well, for Résumé Adventure #4, I am going to apply to be one of those folks, a street canvasser. I found a street canvasser job posting on Craigslist and you can view the original job posting or read the excerpted text below. I have honored the recruiter's typos and dramatic use of bold text, but omitted her last name to protect her privacy. You can view my resumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page.

This is what the Apocalypse will probably look like. Photo by mikelehen via Flickr.

The Job Posting

"FT/PT work for The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency! (Central L.A.)

Date: 2012-05-15, 10:00AM PDT

Location: Central L.A.

Compensation: Solid base pay and competitive bonuses - health benefits, 401K and paid time off

Join the Emergency Response Team- US Association for UN Refugee Agency

What is the most preternatural disaster?

In most recent history we had the earthquake on the island of Sumatra in 2010 leaving more than 1,000 people dead and several thousand more trapped underneath the rubble.

In 2008, the people of Myanmar were victims of Cyclone Nargis that killed 78,000 people and the same month the earthquake in Western China killed 67,000.

In January of 2010, the Haitian people suffered a severe earthquake in a country that already has so many challenges killing 22,000.

To sum it up, in 2010, 260,000 people died worldwide from natural disasters up from 15,000 in 2009. There are endless examples of things that happen for which there is nothing we can do. The storm hits, the damage is done and often this happens in the matter of hours before resources can be mobilized and NGO's, like UNHCR's Emergency Response Team, are rushing in to handle the emergency humanitarian crisis that was created by these natural disasters. This is the best, more reasonable response to these types of disasters. 

Now we get the question, what is the most preternatural disaster?

There are situations in the world today which we know about. We have been forewarned. We have time to act. We have the opportunity to raise funds, but sometimes, we do nothing. That is the biggest disaster of all. Most people want to help, but they do not know how. Start Today!

For these very same types of disasters above, we raise funds. For the people in Eastern Africa, we raise funds. For the 12 million stateless people around the world, we raise funds. For the war-torn people in Darfur, we raise funds. For the family in Iraq, we raise funds.

The US Association for the UN Refugee Agency is now hiring for our brand new fundraising teams in the Los Angeles Area. We are hiring Fundraisers and Team Leaders all with hourly wages or salaries, bonuses, family heath benefits, 401K, and PTO. We are hitting the streets hard in 2012 with out residential canvassing teams and our street teams. BE THE FIRST to apply.

So, the most Preternatural Disaster of all is doing NOTHING at all. Be the CHANGE! Apply today. 

Please send all resumes - Attention: Angela ---- "

My Cover Letter

Dear Angela,

Your job post sounds so grave! I guess the world was a big mess between 2008 and 2010. I am not sure why you don't use recent 2012 death toll statistics, but that does not matter to me because I know the biggest preternatural event ever -- THE APOCALYPSE -- is coming. It is true. I saw a documentary about the Mayan Calendar and how the world is going to end in 2012 because the calendar is going to end in 2012. We really, really need to prepare for the worst by raising funds. We here in the United States will probably be spared too much END-OF-THE-WORLD hardship, but industrializing countries will definitely be hard hit by God's wrath. It just isn't fair to ignore poorer countries even during the inevitable END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. I really like that your organization rushes in to help after a natural disaster strikes because rushing in before an unseen event would just be a waste of money. That is a mantra that I can definitely support and I would love to be a part of your fundraising street team. 

I do not have any experience in fundraising, but I have encountered tons of college age kids trying to get me to give them my credit card information outside of Trader Joe and Whole Foods. I never give those fundraisers the time of day, I despise them, and I really hate that I can't just take care of my shopping without being harassed. When fundraiser canvassers come to my door asking for money, I usually just crouch down low by the front door and bark and growl like I am a vicious guard dog until they leave. That said, I KNOW HOW THE AVERAGE ANTI-CANVASSER PERSON THINKS! I will certainly be able to use this knowledge to my advantage to make your organization and myself lots of money. For example, it doesn't matter how friendly the canvasser seems, I won't give them money. Their false offering of friendship just makes me distrust them. So what I would do is be really blunt with potential donors. I would be like "Hey, you! If you don't give us some money for people in Africa who might get KILLED IN AN EARTHQUAKE, I'm going to tell everybody that you hate poor people." That shaming will definitely do the trick. It is sort of like reverse psychology and stuff, you know?

I have attached my résumé to this email for you to ponder. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!

Yours in APOCALYPTIC FEAR, 

Moonbow Rollings

Update on Résumé Adventure #3: Hot Hostess Needed for Millionaire's Luau

Within an hour of sending my cover letter, photo, and résumé to the recruiter from Résumé Adventure #3: Hot Hostess Needed for Millionaire's Luau, I got a response. It was indeed disappointing. I did not get the job. Oh well, better luck next time, right? The recruiter seems to have confused me with someone else! And they have threatened to report me to the authorities, although, to my knowledge, sending someone a cover letter that they do not like is not a crime. They also state that they know who I am for some reason as though my identity were a great mystery, but duh, I am Moonbow. I clearly state who I am in the cover letter signature. You can check out the recruiter's response below:

The Recruiter's Response

"We know who you are and we have already warned you once. Stop sending these emails and get professional help or we will be forced to report you to the authorities."

So um, the PB Millionaire misogynists objectify women for profit and THEY have a problem with ME. Hahahaha! Hilarious.

Résumé Adventure #3: Hot Hostess Needed for Millionaire's Luau

Despite decades of Cheeto and Flamin' Cheeto feasting, I am still a hottie. For Résumé Adventure #3, I am putting my good looks to the test and applying for a job as luau eye-candy at a millionaire's party. I found the original job posting on Craigslist, but I have put the text in this post too. You can see my sexy résumé on Moonbow's Résumé Page. My cover letter to the luau recruiter is below. If you decide to go ahead and watch that ridiculous video, you do so at your own risk to your sense of taste and sensibility. Moonbow's Résumé Adventure assumes no responsibility to the affront to your eyes that PB Castle will surely cause.

Jello shots, by UCFFool via Flickr.

The Job Post

"Hot Hostesses Needed for Millionaire's Luau (Los Angeles)

Date: 2012-05-13, 9:17AM PDT

Location: Los Angeles

Compensation: $100

We are now hiring hostesses for the upcoming PB Millionaire's Luau party at the famous PB Castle! It will be held Saturday, June 16th, from 4 to 11PM. We are looking for friendly, outgoing people with good, positive energy. You will be greeting guests, serving jello shots, and just looking good for the cameras as this is also part of a reality show. You will also be wearing festive luau themed attire. The pay is $100. Email us a photo and your contact info.

Become our friend on facebook for more details: http://www.facebook.com./pbreality

To see what our parties are all about, click to play our video:"

My Cover Letter

Dear Luau Reality Show Recruiter, 

I am interested in your luau eye-candy position. I know that you really just want an emailed photo to see that I am indeed a hottie, but I thought that sending you a professional cover letter might increase my chances and set me apart from the anti-Mensa crowd that normally engages your attention. I see that even though the position is in the San Diego metro area, you have posted the job in the Los Angeles section of Craigslist. I guess you ran out of women with hot bodies down there. Or maybe you just don't have any pretty ones left because the women on your show clearly need some fancy makeup to pass. If that is the case, shame on you, because people can't help if their faces negatively reflect the ugly, cruel person that they are on the inside like walking Dorian Gray paintings with less than stellar faces. They shouldn't be judged for that! Or maybe you do have pretty and fit women down in San Diego, but you just can't seem to find one that is really good at pretending to be a mildly developmentally delayed modern-harem 'ho', televised pimp stable pony, popular culture reality show programming media skankatron. Well, if that is what you are looking for...I AM THE SKANKATRON FOR YOU! 

While I do not have experience attending parties or working in pre-fab mini castles, I can definitely fake it until I make it for the PB Millionaire. A little bit about me: I am five and a half feet tall. I weigh 150 booty-licious pounds. I wear a size 12. I am a natural beauty that does not need to brush her hair or her teeth to know that she is gorgeous. I wear old eye glasses that I found on a bus stop bench because it is just cheaper to wear found items rather than go to an optometrist. They are not my actual prescription, but whatever, they hide some of my wrinkles and adult acne for the camera.   

I do not drink alcohol, but I often have terrible allergies from my pride of house cats that require me to take shots of alcohol-laden Ny-Quil from that little measured plastic cup that comes with the bottle. I believe that my experience with alcohol containing, bright green medications from shot-sized vessels will carry over nicely in a generalized sort of way to jello shots. Also I am experienced at wearing costumes, oops, excuse me, I mean "luau themed attire." 

Furthermore, for this glorious, life-affirming chance to be on a reality show, I am willing to accept your minimum wage payment even though the PB Millionaire could clearly afford to pay me more because he is a millionaire with a freaking castle. I think that the travel expenses down to San Diego will probably eat up all of the minimum wages that you are offering, so I was wondering if you have a travel stipend because a travel stipend would be totally awesome and stuff. 

Anyway, I have attached my résumé and photo to this email. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you! Woooooooooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! 

Stay Classy,

Moonbow Rollings